Lesbianism Explored
June 26, 2009
Kidist Paulos Asrat writes:
I read the intriguing interaction you had with Rose, the conservative lesbian. I guess my view is that Muslims will be Muslims, and lesbians will be lesbians, however intelligently and insightfully they (lesbians) present their unconventional life style.
One thing that struck me about Rose’s e-mail to you was how she focused on romantic, Platonic relationships of women, and used the Victorian period as her example. In a way, she is saying that there is no non-romantic, Platonic (or otherwise) relationship possible between women. She doesn’t say this explicitly, but I have a feeling she believes this.
Now, she seems to identify the absence of a father, or a strong father figure, as the underlying cause of her lesbianism. She also seems to think this is the case in general. Like a true liberal (despite her conservative association), she would rather “follow her bliss”, rather than rectify this life style which even she concedes is abnormal.
For example, rather than talk about how to bring about good marriages and strong fathers, she goes into detail about same-gender “hidden” romantic relationships over the centuries.
I agree with your response that sentiment is often exaggerated through letters. And there is another aspect of these Victorian “romances.” I get the feeling that the women were free to “follow their bliss”, with the cumbersome activities of running the house delegated to servants, nannies and governesses.
I think non-romantic friendship with women is possible, and even necessary. I think it flourishes best when women are busy taking care of their families, homes and communities, and need the help and friendship of other women to get them through the day. I agree with your previous post that lesbianism is a “glorification of self” (the “following the bliss” that Rose talks about), where family, children, home and community no longer hold that much importance. Internal satisfaction trumps the external world and its responsibilities.
There is another very sad aspect to lesbianism these days. At one time, young girls admired older classmates, teachers and other women whom they looked up to. Now, with the sexualization that is prevalent everywhere in society, these normal admirations are turned into some kind of sexualized, libidinal experience. Strong feelings are turned over to the libido. TV and movie culture has contributed a lot to this, I think, along with the downgrading of males that has left these girls without the strong male (father) figures they need. So, they turn their attention to strong women, but in unnatural ways.
Laura responds:
You make some interesting points. First, however, I think you are confusing lesbianism in general with radical feminism. They are not necessarily the same thing. Extreme feminist separatists, who represent the most politicized of lesbians, bear comparison with Muslims, but not the many women who seem to have fallen into homosexuality in recent years. Lesbianism is not an ideology. Feminism is and some, not all, lesbians are radical feminists. I also don’t agree that “lesbians will be lesbians.” I see them as individuals, many of whom live unsatisfying lives of childlessness and unstable connections. At the same time, I consider lesbian activists who wish to destroy heterosexual marriage and convert society into a feminist commune as dangerous ideologues. Yes, many lesbians fall into this category.
I don’t believe Rose attributed her lesbianism to the absence of a father. I was the one who said that the absence of a father appears to contribute to homosexuality. Rose talked of her fatherless childhood in relation to her disapproval of same-sex marriage. It is striking, as you say, that Rose so clearly views her lesbianism as an unhealthy adaptation and yet is not able to overcome it. But, homosexual compulsions can be powerful. It takes almost superhuman effort and will for some people to overcome them. I agree with the psychiatrist and author Jeffrey Satinover who equates homosexuality with alcoholism. They are moral and psychological conditions.
Rose says she is lesbian because she cannot find the ideal Platonic friendship with a woman. I’m not sure this tells the full story given the unhappiness of her childhood and I agree with you that it is not impossible to find these friendships. I sensed an unfulfilled desire for intimacy and an overly aesthetic approach to love. Does this aestheticism qualify as “following her bliss?” Perhaps. But, it seems a pained bliss.
Lesbianism is the inevitable result of the obliteration of traditional sex roles. But, to repeat, it’s important to recognize that it is not purely a political phenomenon. It’s mainly a complex psychological one.
You are absolutely right about the sexualization of normal girlish infatuations for other girls. It’s a tragedy, another instance of how promiscuity spoils intimacy. The intense Victorian friendships Rose mentions are probably only possible, as you say, in an aristocratic world, but then many things that sensitive souls crave are only possible in an aristocratic world.
Kidist continues:
I wasn’t at all equating Rose’s (or others’) lesbianism with radical feminism. She clearly isn’t, given the way she rejects some of feminism’s strongest mandates.
I just found her writing to be an excuse for her condition, and I think she cleverly put it into words that would elicit sympathy. It’s like an alcoholic saying “I just can’t help it, and I’m a nice person to boot.”
I personally think both can be overcome. I don’t know how strong one has to be to do so, I have a feeling not that strong. Many of our vices are our own angry egos giving us license.
What I meant by Muslims will be Muslims, and lesbians will be lesbians is that both groups are invested in their conditions, which runs and structures their lives. So I doubt they will change anytime soon, and will try and convince others, to some extent, of the “rightness” of their situations – hence Rose’s comment: “Reading about relations between the sexes today, I can only think how glad I am not to be a part of the whole sordid process.”
Laura replies:
Okay, I understand your point better.
Homosexuality can be overcome. There is ample evidence for that though you will never read about it in the press. Nevertheless, the compulsion runs deep. Many overcome it after intense struggle. I hesitate to judge. I don’t see why anyone would have difficulty giving up drinking or smoking. Apparently, many people do.
Overall, I think lesbians worship intimacy. This is what they crave above all else. This is the crux of their spiritual downfall. When placed on a pedestal, intimacy is no more sacred than sex.
