There are two kinds of women in this world: women who divorce and those who stand by and passively watch. The first kind of women wreck the lives of their children and husbands. The second kind say, “We cannot judge.”

I am sorry to be grim. I have witnessed many divorces. Sometimes I feel as if my family lives amid the rubble of a ruined village. As I walk through this town, I see the place where the post office used to stand and the old bank and that church with the white steeple. All gone. They were decent structures. Each could have lasted for many years. With a few exceptions, they were destroyed by women, capricious women for whom divorce is the most romantic project of their lives.

It’s not true that men are the principal losers. So many women ruin their own happiness and the happiness of  invisible communities formed by couples.  I cannot help but come to this inescapable conclusion: Women cannot handle freedom.

For more reflections on why women divorce, see my recent post, The Unfaithful Wife.

I have little tolerance for men who say this is reason to not marry. They simply need to find women from the second category, those who refuse to judge. These women may not condemn their friends, but they themselves will stay married. Generally, they tend to be less impulsive and less emotional. They are not very exciting on first encounter. Avoid the dynamic woman at all costs. A staid and introverted woman is a good bet.

The men who complain there is no one to marry are the men who are hopelessly fixated on the wrong kind of woman.

                                             —– Comments —–

Karen I. writes:

Your comment about the type of woman men should look for reminds me of a neighbor who recently got married. The young lady is as plain as can be and lived with her mother until marriage. She was clearly a devoted daughter. She is also a good employee at a local doctor’s office, where she worked full time. She led such a quiet and stable life compared to most young women I know and I was surprised when she told me she was engaged two years ago. I was even more surprised when she told me the wedding was two years away! I figured, the way many would these days, that the engagement would break off under the strain of such a long delay. I was pleased to hear I was wrong a few weeks ago, when she had what I heard was a fairy tale wedding. She beamed when she told me she could not wait to show me the wedding pictures and she looked prettier than ever as she smiled, recalling her special day. She is exactly the type of woman you are telling men to look for. But, who would notice the quiet, plain and modest receptionist at the doctor’s office when there are so many other flashy, “fun” women to choose from? A very lucky man, from what I can tell, one who has a devoted, hard-working, loving wife with excellent character. I pray my son will choose as wisely someday.

Laura writes:

Women have power – as mothers and as friends – to create the right kind of woman. Unfortunately, too many have embraced non-judgmentalism and a laissez-faire attitude toward friends and daughters.

Men also have enormous power in influencing women. A man who projects confidence and is not subservient is attractive to women. Henry James’ novel The Bostonians is the best how-to guide for a man who seeks to marry in the modern world. Many women have become feminists and whores out of a misguided desire to please.  James’  feminist character, Verena Tarrant, dynamic but also good-hearted, is ultimately converted by a confident man.  

Karen Wilson writes from England:

“The men who complain there is no one to marry are the men who are hopelessly fixated on the wrong kind of woman.”

This is indeed very true. It is not just women who cannot handle freedom, but most of the adult population. Only about 20-30% of the adult population has sufficient cognitive development to handle freedom. The rest require to be told how to live their lives and to adhere to specific standards and traditions. Liberalism has destroyed these traditions and standards and left in its place a void which has been replaced by a free for all. Freed of guidance, the majority of the population cannot cope. 

The majority of men who are divorced by their wives bring about this situation by their own foolishness. Men are in general too naïve about women to make wise choices about the selection of a suitable wife. In the past a man’s wife would essentially have been chosen and vetted by his parents. The abandonment of tradition has left men to be the victims of predatory women and their own follies. Many men do not take the issue of marriage seriously. They do not look for women who have the qualities required for a life partnership. They simply drift into relationships based upon sexual attraction and as the woman pressures them for commitment they drift into marriages with women who are highly unsuitable to be their wives. When the relationship breaks up, they are confused and hurt but it has usually been obvious to everyone around them that they made a foolish marriage. Many women seek marriages with men whom they regard as a good catch and then end up in positions which they cannot cope with. They then seek to flee the marriage. 

One example is our Duke of York, the son of the Queen who married Sarah Fergusson a commoner. Sarah had been living with several men and had had numerous sexual partners when she saw the chance to land the biggest catch, the Duke of York. She snared him and the naïve fool of a Duke wanted to marry her. The Queen knew her son was not too bright and that Sarah was unsuitable for the Royal Family. The tabloid press told her this on a daily basis. Despite this, she allowed the wedding to go ahead. After a short time it was evident that Sarah and the Royal Family were on a collision course. The Queen and Royals were frugal, wore old clothes and ate sausages for dinner. The Queen ate breakfast out of Tupperware containers. Fergie aka Sarah did not become a Duchess to wear old clothes and eat sausages out of plastic containers! This was not the life she had envisioned when she sought a Royal marriage. She wanted glamour, extravagance and parties. She went about setting up a court on a grander scale than that of the Queen herself, borrowing millions of pounds to achieve the lifestyle she thought she should have as a Royal. Whilst the Queen ate her simple meals, Fergie and her entourage flew around Europe eating breakfast in Paris, lunch in Rome and dinner in London. She shopped till she dropped, partied all hours and neglected her Royal duties. She didn’t become a Duchess to spend time opening schools and hospitals, kissing babies and talking to pensioners! Sidelined by the Royals, she found a boyfriend and started an affair. After some time and a lot of adverse press, the marriage was ended and Fergie expelled from the Royal Family. 

This is a case of a man who made an inappropriate selection of a wife and chose a woman who did not have the breeding to be a Duchess or mother of Royal children. If he thought he could transform her, he was deluded. Fergie was an opportunist. She took advantage of the Duke’s naivete and stupidity to enter to the Royal Family and achieve a social and financial status she could never otherwise have had. Her expectations were unrealistic, and once she entered the Royal Family, she could not cope with the role and sought an exit. The moral of the tale is that the world is full of opportunists and con artists but the wise man stays clear of them and does not fall into their traps. The blame for this sorry episode lies with the Duke himself who was a victim of his own stupidity and the Queen who failed to provide suitable parental control and veto the marriage. Fergie just acted as any opportunist could be expected to act. 

I know a surgeon who is from a prominent and wealthy London medical family. He was educated in the best schools and at Cambridge University. He could have married the best of girls from the best of families. Instead he ruined his career, reputation and family and dissipated his wealth by marrying a woman who was totally unsuitable. She was uneducated, working class, epileptic with a personality disorder and had been living with another man. If he thought she could be made into a suitable wife, again he was sadly deluded. She saw the chance to marry into money and raise herself up a class. She could not cope with the role of a busy surgeon’s wife. She became manipulative and vengeful. She disrupted his work, spent large amounts of money seeking a lifestyle she was not born to and eventually ran off with a bus driver with whom she no doubt felt more comfortable. She divorced her husband and walked off with substantial assets. 

Again this is the fault of the man. He was not prudent in choosing a wife. He rejected all the women who were suitable and with whom he could have built a strong marriage in favour of a scamster.

He became a victim, a victim of his own stupidity. Many women are opportunists. Unconstrained by tradition which dictates who can marry who, many women seek the biggest catch and are eternally disappointed. They seek to hold a man like a good stock and take profits and move on to the next adventure. Good women cannot change these women. And neither can men who are much too naïve about women to be able to identify these women let alone change them. Only a return to traditional values where parents and relatives condone and veto marriages will sort out this problem.

Laura writes:

Mothers once spent time networking on behalf of their adult children in search of suitable partners for them. At its best, this system provides a number of choices for a son or daughter. Now women with grown children could care less. They leave their children to sink or swim in the bar scene. They themselves are busy with careers or travel or picking up their own lives after divorce. Their children search for love in the jungle. 

Karen continues:

“Children search for love in the jungle”   –  like monkeys searching for food under the nose of predators. 

That’s exactly the current situation. Parents are better able to screen and select suitable partners for their children and can investigate the relevant issues in a more thorough manner, seeking information about the family background, attitudes, values of potential mates. Parents can deal with all sorts of issues that people cannot ask on dates. And who can believe everything one is told on a date? 

I know a Moroccan girl who came to live in London and thought she would like to avoid an arranged marriage and seek a love match herself. After a bit of dating she became severely disheartened and confused. Men lied about what they did for a living, where they came from and where they lived. The issue of marriage was never raised. Indeed she was told not to mention it too early in case it scared them off! What then was the purpose of dating? In her culture dating was only permitted with a view to marriage and courtships had to be kept short. People seemed to be out for a good time and fun. She could not believe what men told her on dates and her parents could not investigate partners in the usual way. She felt vulnerable and afraid. There was no security of knowing that her father had checked out a date and knew him to be a decent type. It was all pretty much a lottery. In the end she decided it was a waste of time with little chance of finding a husband and she opted for an arranged marriage. She said that her parents and relatives could establish much more information about a potential husband than she could and it would be more difficult for potential partners to deceive her father. All very true. But very few Western parents have this level of interest and few of them even bother to meet their prospective inlaws before the marriage. They seem assured that love will conquer all.

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