Kidist Paulos Asrat offers some reflections here on this official portrait by photographer Annie Liebovitz of the Obama family. She points out the way Malia is draped about her mother.

This is characteristic of the open affection often displayed by mothers today with their older children. Affection is good and important. But what we’re seeing is something on an entirely different level from normal and healthy maternal love. I have seen grown adolescents sitting in their mothers’ laps stroking them and kissing their necks. This is fine in private, but what is strange is that it is done in front of outsiders and in the middle of conversations with others.

It seems physical contact has replaced other forms of intimacy – most especially the intimacy to be found in words and conversation – in relations between men and women, and within families. This outward display may seem to signal intense rapport. But in truth, I believe it often masks distance and a lack of  inner connection. Open hugging and vows of love – hastily and very publicly delivered by cell phone – cover up the void.

It’s also very difficult for a mother to maintain any sense of authority with her older children when she allows them to publicly sit in her lap. It becomes impossible to send out the subtle and all-important maternal signals of approval and disapproval.

                                                                                   — Comments —

Rita writes:

Phony-baloney! Even the Palins don’t try to pull that one off.

Karen I. writes:

There seems to be a lack of boundaries between parents and children these days. I even see this with me and my own children. My daughter thinks nothing of interrupting adult conversation and my son has actually started correcting my speech at times.

 I was thinking of these things recently and recalling how I never would have done this as a child. They do things that would not have crossed my mind as I somehow just knew without question not to do them. I think there are a few things at work giving children the impression they are on par with adults and one of them is lack of any kind of “harsh” discipline.

I know that is going to be an unpopular theory, but I still believe it is correct. In my generation and all previous ones, in blue collar families like the only ones I ever knew, spanking and worse was still permissible, even expected. If a kid acted up too much, they could usually expect they might be in for a serious form of punishment. If parents knew of a child who was behaving badly, they would say “that kid needs a good kick in the a__” and everyone would agree. Obviously, political correctness was not a consideration back in those days and people said what they really thought without fear of some state agency showing up on the doorstep to police their parenting. That type of discipline was very unpleasant but it made the intended impression quickly.

My parents were not fantastic, nor were those of my friends. For the most part, they did far more to deserve disrespect from their children than many parents I know these days. But they got far more respect. They let us know in big ways and small that we were children and we knew our place. In contrast, I do not “believe” in spanking, nor do I yell at my children much. I try to preserve their “self esteem” even when they do things like bring home a less than stellar report card or fight with each other non stop. I look for “teachable moments” and learn about the “conscious discipline” methods advocated by our school system. When they were tiny, “time out” was the discipline method of choice, followed by an explanation of why it was necessary to sit in a chair for three or four minutes (set to a timer). I’ve done everything the “experts” have suggested, and honestly, I don’t think most of it put together made nearly the impression one spanking would have. I am not about to take up spanking kids this late in the game, but that is just my honest opinion.

Rita writes:

I have two daughters, 5 1/2 years apart in age. I was stricter with my oldest because she was more rambunctious and at times more out of control that her younger sister later was. She got a lot of loving spankings. Interestingly, she ended up being the more respectful of my two daughters. My youngest is 16 now and always testing the boundaries. I can’t spank her anymore but you’d better believe she hears about it when she tries mouthing off. I figure if she’s mouthing off to me she will be disrespectful to her husband some day too. It’s important to help our kids learn self control.

Karen Wilson writes:

This is like a photo of school friends on a day out and not a family. Family photos usually have the parents at the back and the children in front with their heads at a lower level than the parents indicating their subordination to their parents. These children look as thought they are protecting their parents. Both children’s heads are at a higher level than the parents. Obama looks as though he is being comforted by his daughter and Michelle looks as though she is being supported to sit up by her daughter. This is a role reversal. The children are in charge and the parents infantilised. [Laura writes: I completely agree with these observations. This is the modern liberal family in a nutshell.]

I once saw a family like that in a Psychiatric clinic. Both parents were addicted to heroin and their child disapproved of drugs but brought the parents to clinic for treatment. She then took the prescription orders for methadone, a maintenance drug and told her parents to pick up the drugs and have them ready for administration by the time she got back from school. She was effectively running the home and the parents just accepted being dominated by a child.

Kidist writes:

I’m so glad you understood the bizarre nature of affection that is on display in the Obama official portrait. Of course daughters have the prerogative to be children with their mothers, at any age. It is inevitable and necessary. It’s hard to acknowledge that too effusive a display of affection shows deficiencies on someone’s part – often the mother’s. Too little is of course the other side of the coin. I’ve seen it with unkind and derisive mothers.

It is a challenge to have a mother like this. [Laura writes: Kidist is referring to the sort of affectionate and yet distant mother displayed in this photo.]  But, if Malia is strong, it will build her character. Who knows, it might force her to “leave” home (metaphorically and physically), and unfortunately in my opinion, that can be a good thing given the hand she’s been dealt.

I have a feeling that Hillary has one of those cold mothers (funnily enough, she looks like a really good mother to her own daughter Chelsea). She comes off as cold and detached, but she matured into a presentable presidential candidate, even though she was stuck in her leftist stance. Who knows, she still might change given how Obama treated her, and still does. She is more right-leaning than him at the end of the day.

Kidist adds:

Look at the lovely way little Sasha is holding on to her father. Somehow I think she will grow up the more balanced of the two, although I’ve seen her give her mother puzzled looks in some of the thousands of photos out there.

Laura writes:

There are many excellent points in the above comments. Thank you.

In the 1940s and 50s, there was a strong emphasis by psychologists on the potential danger of too much maternal attention. This encouraged coldness and aloofness on the part of mothers and I believe this view was a factor in the growing acceptance of maternal absence. In our own time, the pendulum has swung in the other direction, but in an odd and contradictory way, requiring so much overt affection that discipline and authority are almost impossible and yet at the same time condoning maternal absence.

There is a golden mean – though never perfectly achievable – in a mother’s stance toward her children, a medium point between intimacy and authority. I believe this golden mean depends heavily on maternal presence and upon the guidance of tradition, imparted to women in early adulthood. Women today learn nothing about motherhood until they are thrown into the flames.

Achieving this golden mean is so much more important than anything a woman can do in the professional world. It determines the course of her children’s psychological and moral development and affects the tenor of society at large. 

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