Six years ago, I took one of my sons, who was then 10, to a bowling alley about 30 minutes from our home. It was a weekday afternoon and the alley had been reserved for homeschoolers. I was stunned when I walked in the door. The place was filled to the rafters with boys. And, from all appearances they were having a great time. That moment vividly brought home to me how serious the disaffection is with public education for boys. It is not these children who suffer from an attention deficit disorder, it is their schools.

In the previous entry, I discussed the issue of school for boys in response to a mother whose son works hard but never seems to please his teachers. Below are excellent comments from two readers in response to that post.

Put it this way. If you were running a vast industrial enterprise for educating children, which sex would you encourage more: the sex that is eager to please, precocious and content to play quietly or the sex that is rambunctious, drawn to danger, slow to develop and bored by cooperative learning? Boys are a problem. Many women teachers are mystified by them. Better to medicate and medicalize them, attach newfangled impressive-sounding disorders to their behavior, and in every way discourage their natural competitiveness, initiative and love of risk. Boys just don’t fit in.

By the way, girls don’t fit in either. Public education is the major engine in our society for turning little girls into aggressive men. Some girls are so exhausted by striving to be perfect in grades and extracurricular activities that they reach young adulthood emotionally unstable, unprepared to be wives and mothers, and headed for a crash.

It cannot last. Our state-run system for remaking human nature cannot last.     

Charles writes:

Reading Laura and Karen’s postings tonight brought to mind my own thoughts about the challenge of education for our children. I feel for Karen and her son. No one should have to suffer patronizing attitudes from teachers, but unfortunately, it occurs all too often. And, all too often, it is directed to male students. 

I recently had a conversation about boys and education with a friend. As we relaxed in his office, he asked me about our homeschooling. I told him that: 1) I felt that the educational world was anti-male, 2) that any local school would probably feel that my boys were too hyper, and 3) I also expressed dismay that many perfectly normal boys were being treated with medication to slow them down. He smiled and stated the educational establishment is not conducive to males at all. I was encouraged to hear someone else – especially another male – say that. 

I am glad to read what Laura is saying:

The early years are very different for boys and girls as anyone who has an ounce of awareness or has ever been a little boy or a little girl knows. Girls mature much more rapidly in language skills. They possess greater fine motor coordination which helps with handwriting and they thrive more on pleasing others. Boys need more physical activity; are much less focused on reading and writing; have stronger spatial and math skills and are generally more distracted. Boys appear to be more sensitive to a disruptive home environment too.

 We have three young children – one girl (oldest) and two boys. This paragraph describes them perfectly. I expected my daughter to advance socially earlier, but her sophistication at every year has astounded me. When she was three she told me I had disobeyed “God the Father” because I had given her sippy cup to her brother. :) Young and Fearless – and appealing to a higher authority when her father misbehaved. I was awestruck, but proud of her nonetheless. My boys love beautiful things and stories, but they love to climb, fight and, well, to just be loud. The boys spend hours building new machines with their legos. And, my middle son is very good at math, but not as good with language. 

I was discussing this the other day with my daughter. I told her that the her brothers are loud and wild because they are boys. Yes, I do not let it get out of hand, but there are times to turn them loose and let them be. I also explained that when she has boys she needs to realize they are different from girls and that she needs to be very careful with their masculinity; she must nurture it and not harm it. I encouraged her to let her sons be boys and then, men. 

Laura writes:

I know it sounds corny, but he will be a warrior. He is made for courage and danger; it is all there inside him.

On the mark. My youngest son recently brought me the wooden shields, swords, and safety glasses and wanted to spar. Before it was over we were on the floor yelling at each other and flailing away with our shields and swords. Many men like contact sports – like football. It is controlled combat; civilized gladiatorial activity. Even the fans get this. I remember a game where the fans of one team showed up with large metal and plastic containers filled with ballbearings. During the pre-game activity, the noise was deafening- it was a very intimidating, Celtic thing to do; it felt more like Braveheart than a football game. The young men, of course, settled it on the field. I know this is not for everyone, but for many men and most of us fans, both men and women! – it is absolutely exhilirating.

 Thankfullly, we all do not have to participate in contact sports to be men. True masculinity is displayed when a man marries, has children, and supports his family with his labor and love. This takes a day- to-day type of courage to get up and keep going for your family.

Laura writes: 

Spend time with your son reading books about conquering heroes and finding other boy activities that he enjoys.

We love books. I am not sure what age Karen’s son is but, some of the best stories for young men are those told by an author named G.A. Henty. We just started Beric the Briton: A Story of the Roman Invasion tonight. We also found that our children were absolutely delighted with the Chronicles of Narnia. There is conflict, bravery and plenty of swordplay in these stories. There were several scenarios in these tales where the young men and women confronted dangers and their own faults as well. And some of the scenarios, even though well written, and not gratuitously violent, are downright scary. We spent the better part of summer and fall reading these out loud together. Now, the children want me to start over with them soon. 

The contempt for males is not just in the educational establishment. It is a widespread cultural attitude. It is a destructive attitude and quite frankly it makes me angry. I see contempt for males everywhere; advertisements, comments made by instructors, comments made in church, movie dialogue, etc. ad nauseam. It is firmly lodged in some – thankfully, not all – of our churches as well. But that is for another post. I worry more for the future of my young men than I do my daughter. We homeschool to benefit all of our children, but particularly our boys. 

Our popular culture, is for the moment, arrayed against the male. I do not believe it will last forever though. Laura, I am encouraged by the insights from your post on this thread. Karen, hang in there with your son. I know you are going to go-to-bat for him and his welfare.

Sean writes:

Karen’s story is very moving. I was a misfit throughout much of school for many of the same reasons, although for me it was due to a very serious disposition and a deep desire for serious literature and classical music from an early age. School for me was absolute misery as I could not learn at my own pace and according to my own interests. I understand now that I had a hard time handling my peers and so I acknowledge that much of the bullying inflicted on me could have been prevented.

Anyway, the adults in my life deliberately helped me nurture a serious inner life. That is what kept me sane in spite of the constant bullying and persecution from other kids and the worst of the teachers. It is quite difficult to develop but if you make your home a restful sanctuary, not just physically but also spiritually, you can plant that seed in your children.

I was fortunate enough to have a pair of loving and committed parents and two or three perceptive teachers who gave me enough time and space to work on subjects that interested me. My father took me to Beethoven recitals at age eight and taught me (with the Scouts) how to wilderness camp and repair a car. My mother gave me a sense of God and an active prayer life rooted in the Bible. My grandfather, a retired civil servant, taught me not to view government and public bureaucracies with a great deal of humor and skepticism. All of them gave me as much as literature as I could possibly devour. I still have my treasured copies of the first two books that captured my passion at age six – Stevenson’s “Treasure Island” and a retelling of the Iliad by Robert Graves called “The Siege and Fall of Troy.”

Laura’s advice that you must detach you and your family from the attempts of the public education system to mold your children, is absolutely essential. Do whatever you can to encourage your children to cultivate an inner life. With your son, it may be an artistic temperament. With others, it is learning to play a musical instrument, sports, youth cadets, great literature, or the Church.

Boys need some great ideal to measure themselves against, to test their mettle. If you can provide that in some small way, your child will have a fighting chance. Don’t give up hope; it is heartbreaking to watch your child suffer, but be assured he will be a better man for it. I know I was.

On another note, I should add to Karen’s comment about late-talking boys that I didn’t speak a word until I was nearly three, to the great consternation of my parents. The experts urged my parents to consider drugs or various batteries of tests. Fortunately, my mother was a housewife during most of my childhood and spent all of her time with me. She knew that I just needed to take my time to gets my words out. Sure enough, I began speaking on my own, with no development delays, when the time was right. Thank God my parents trusted their own instincts.

Karen I. writes:

 Thank you for the comments. They are a source of encouragement. I found Sean’s comments to be particularly encouraging and insightful. I will keep them in mind in the school years ahead. This series has reminded me of many men I know who struggled while in school and who now lead good lives doing jobs that play to their strengths.

Andy K. writes:

Interesting discussion. I saw that Sean mentioned the Scouts, the century-old and well known organization, the Boy Scouts of America. It would sound like this group should be a great antidote to what the public schools are doing to boys, but I wonder if they too have fallen under the spell of modern liberalism. Any ideas about that from you or your readers would be greatly appreciated.

 Laura writes:

Liberals have done their best to attack and dismantle the Boy Scouts of America, which refuses to allow homosexuals to be troop leaders and, to the outrage of atheists, requires boys to swear allegiance to God and country. The organization has held its ground.

Scout activities are great for young boys, especially if an enthusiastic man is in charge. They can offer an excellent opportunity for a boy to let loose and still receive discipline and authority.

But my impression is the Scouts have become super uncool for public school boys over ten. A Boy Scout does not project the air of detachment, lazy indifference and aloofness that is increasingly the masculine ideal. Again, this is the natural result when women show assertiveness and independence; men differentiate themselves by demonstrating the opposite. Gaming is an influence too. From another perspective, this mode of being is the inevitable outcome of the sexual revolution. It used to be a young man had to show energy and exertion to have any kind of ongoing sexual relationship with a woman. He had to prove himself to her father and then marry her. There’s no need for that anymore. A man can have plenty of sex in late adolescence and throughout his twenties with decent girls (not prostitutes) without showing an ounce of productive energy. He can afford to project this hip indifference; some women even like it. This masculine hauteur trickles down to younger adolescents. In a group of teen homeschoolers, you often notice a striking difference. The boys openly show excitement and energy, a big no-no if you’re part of a public school clique.

Todd from Oaklahoma writes:

Today, while reading along at your blog, I came across your response to Karen I. regarding boys and school where you wrote: “I know it sounds corny, but he will be a warrior. He is made for courage and danger; it is all there inside him. Give him a sense that no matter what he does in school, this project is an adventure that will not occur in any classroom and does not require good grades.” 

After reading your response I unexpectedly burst into tears! Your advice is wonderful. 

I discovered your blog from View from the Right and have read it regularly for the past few months. In fact, I have encouraged all the women in my life to read The Thinking Housewife regularly. I find your thoughts refreshing and illuminating and in instances such as today, quite profound. 

Thank you for sharing your gifts.

Laura writes:

And, thank you.

Todd adds:

 Some of your readers such as Sean might like to know that the legendary economist Thomas Sowell has written a terrific book, Late-Talking Children.

Kristor writes:

Karen I.’s message just about broke my heart. I’ll never forget the day my youngest son came home from kindergarten and told us that his teacher had screamed at the boys in the class that day, and mocked them in front of the girls, because during recess they had been running around outside playing war, using their fingers for guns (think how adorable their tiny little gun sound effects must have been!). She was a little over the top even for Berkeley, though, and didn’t last the year. Not that she was fired; she quit because the kids made her too anxious with all their scurrying and noise. Her replacement was much better. 

Karen, your son will prevail. I would recommend a couple movies, that show just what it means to be a man. Among modern films, The Lord of the Ringshas many many episodes that deal with the subject: the 13 year old boy suiting up to defend Helm’s Deep from millions of orcs, shoulder to shoulder with his uncles and grandfathers; the horrific ordeal of Frodo and Sam as they crawl through Mordor, at the verge of death, to reach and climb Mount Doom; Faramir riding out to certain, pointless death in the vain effort to retake Osgiliath, not because it makes sense, but because he has been ordered to do so by his sovereign; but most importantly, Theoden’s epic speech to the vastly outnumbered horde of his Rohirrim horsemen as they prepare to charge the vastly larger army of orcs besieging Gondor, ending in the deeply stirring war cry of the Men of Rohan, full of despair, and courage, and love, and glory: “Death!” 

When I was a boy, home sick from school and watching the old movies they used to play during the day on TV, I saw Sergeant York with Gary Cooper, and it made a huge impression on me. It’s a great movie. York is shown at the beginning as a poor man, working himself to exhaustion and beyond in trying to meet his responsibilities. He has been met with disappointment and frustration at every turn, no matter how hard he works. He is plowing at night, in the pouring rain, because it is the only time he has to do it. He is struck by lightning, and that is the final blow. He cannot take it anymore. He abandons his homestead and joins the Army to go fight in France. Then of course he becomes a war hero. Throughout, he remains humble, steadfast, unassuming; he is merely doing his duty. But one realizes by the end what an enormous achievement that is: to do one’s duty. 

Your son will face tragedy again and again in life. This first ordeal is a foretaste. What matters is that he soldier on. If he does, he will win through in the end, somehow.

Hannon writes:

This has been enlightening unfolding of commentary on boys and how the system seeks to change them, and how they have yet remained unchanged. Young men have been through much worse over the course of history, though perhaps not so much by intellectual design as now.

The comments from Sean struck home especially. To this day I harbor disdain for school and cannot recall much in the way of any learning process at all. I assiduously avoided homework, which did not help scholastically, but then I had other things to do! A few good teachers, some classroom moments, that is about all that has stayed with me, even in college. I was perhaps even less inclined than Sean to adapt to the inescapable social cliques and all of my friends were from the neighborhood, not from school. Of course we rough-housed until well after dark in the summer. Recollections of school have no such excitement or happiness in them. It was a combination of dreary matriculation and social estrangement.

The adults in my life, almost all men, were key to my adolescent development. I wonder if caring adults have a special radar that picks up on kids who are bored with the status quo and show a glimmer of interest in what they (the adult) is doing, such as building model aircraft, car tinkering or literature and philosophy. Besides an encouraging mother, these grown ups were instrumental in guiding me to develop my own interests and I am thankful to them today. I still know some of them.

I suppose it depends on the child but I think it is enormously beneficial to introduce them to positive influences that may bear on their lives outside of family, church and school. Not everyone finds a special niche or talent that lasts a lifetime, much less one that dovetails into a professional career. Yet millions pursue this goal in places least likely to yield results, e.g., public schools and universities. Many people have remarked to me, in wistful terms, that they wish they had found their “calling”; they had gone to college obviously in hopes of finding it. I suspect the nascent psychology that follows (leads?) a successful pursuit of this path in life begins before school has a chance to stifle it.

Laura writes:

Hannon makes an interesting point about adults with “radar” who love to engage and teach a child with similar interests. This is naturally-occurring outside of school. It’s similar to the apprentice ideal. Anyone who values highly a skill or craft enjoys a child who shows an interest in it. 

Rita writes:

For parents concerned about their boys’ education, I highly recommend, “Better Late Than Early” by Dr Raymond and Dorothy Moore, considered by some to be the founders of the modern homeschool movement. They advocate, at the very least, keeping boys out of school as long as possible…perhaps waiting until they are at least 8-10 years old. They go to great lengths to explain, in easy to understand language the development of boys and why it is better to keep them out of school, playing, having quiet time and time with parents etc. until they are ready for that environment. It has been many years since I read this book but I recall them saying that trying to teach a child to read before they are ready is akin to trying to flip pancakes using, instead of a spatuala, a single sheet of aluminum foil. It’s possible but really painful and difficult!

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