Joanne writes:

I am disgusted and appalled at the slanderous filth you and your readers have posted about Alaina Sheer. You do not know her, you have no right to judge her situation! If you are indeed a “Christian” you would be aware that only God can judge people.

I am also a single mother. My daughter’s father refused to help care for our child emotionally, physically, or financially, and he was using drugs behind my back so I left him to raise my child on my own. Does that make me a terrible person? No. My daughter’s father has made no contact with me and has made no attempt to ever see her. But according to your blog, this is my fault for leaving him. Apparently, it is more acceptable to you and your kind that I should have stayed with this man and subjected my child to an upbringing in an unhealthy, destructive environment.

I will have you know my daughter is very much loved, very healthy, and very happy.

So is Alaina’s son Benjamin.

Do not judge her for the choices she has made to give her son a better life. You know nothing of her circumstances and to belittle her and write the sort of filth that I read on your blog is not only mean and distasteful, it is sheer ignorance.

Laura writes:

“You know nothing of her circumstances and to belittle her and write the sort of filth that I read on your blog is not only mean and distasteful, it is sheer ignorance.”

That’s not true. Alaina Sheer has told the entire world the circumstances of her life and invited judgment. Miss Sheer has publicly called the father of her child “a frog,” and described the most intimate details of their break-up, when she apparently removed her husband’s son from their home when he was a mere four months old for the unforgiveable offence of paternal unemployment. She has also described the most intimate details of her relations with other men, thus exploiting them for personal gain.

Furthermore, she has openly encouraged other women to leave their husbands and painted the single life as far more glamourous than it is. For this, I have every right to judge her as a public figure. She is a talented and attractive woman, using her talent and attractiveness to destructive ends.

The life of a single mother is a grind, nonstop work unless she has the income of Angelina Jolie. Job, housework, children, bills, the search for a man, it’s all like sailing solo. It is tempting for a single mother to paint herself as heroic. And she can make a good case for that in an age of abortion. She can make a case for that if she has been divorced unwillingly or widowed or if she considers having had sex without marriage a mistake, however beautiful and miraculous the offspring of an unwed pregnancy may be. There are good women who have made mistakes, admitted their mistakes and raised their children as well as they could. And there are women who have had absolutely no choice but to go it alone and they are indeed to be commended if they do their best.

But any single mother who trashes the father of her children as Alaina Sheer has done is not heroic. And any single mother who promotes her way of life is the opposite of heroic. It is not desirable. As wonderful as her children are, it is not smooth sailing. It is a rare man who loves another man’s children as much as his own. Only the most extraordinary single mothers provide both love and discipline. Everything good a woman has to give her children is lessened by the absence a father. It is not single motherhood per se that is the only issue here, it is the glamorization of it. That is wrong.

Blanca writes:

“Is it just me, or does the thought of sitting around the dinner table with one’s girlfriend and her son from another man, as well as his parents and grandparents seem awkward and uncomfortable, in a nervous, forced, and underarm-sweat kind of way? Don’t parents and grandparents deserve to witness their own biological offspring grow up? Am I being selfish? I ask because, to be completely honest, I don’t know. Personally, to me her blog is off-the-charts narcissism.” 

I’m a former single mother who was borderlines atheist up until about two years ago when, by the grace of God, I saw and accepted Christ into my life and it transformed me from the inside out. However, to bash and parade your self-righteousness is embarrassing. Single motherhood is so commonplace now that people are immune to how hardof a job it actually is. Alaina may not be perfect, but she writes and publishes her soul searching for the world to see, regardless of who it makes “uncomfortable”. It’s so “brave” for people to bash her based on her blog where, oh by the way, she bares her soul. 

Single motherhood does not come without bitterness. God’s healed so much in my life that I thankfully was able to let go of mine, but not everyone accepts Christ and therefore, their road to recovery and true forgiveness and freedom is much longer. She puts it out there so other mothers know they’re not a.) alone, or b.) crazy. It’s so easy to pick and choose who you want to exalt yourself over and haughtily shake your head and look down on them from your virtual world.

 How else are single mothers going to get married if they DON’T DATE? Wouldn’t dating eventually involve the child meeting the new man’s parents? Her approach may not be ideal for you or your readers, but unless you’ve been through the situation, I’d suggest you leave soul searching single mothers alone and pick on someone your own size. 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment that you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get.”- Matthew 7:1-5

Laura writes:

Alaina Sheer is not simply soul-searching. She is publicly appraising and judging real men as if they were pieces of meat. A single mother can look for other men without treating them with such callousness. And she can discuss single motherhood without promoting it.

Christianity does not forbid human judgment. In fact, it requires it. But it is always human judgment not Divine. I do not pretend to judge all aspects of this woman’s life only those she has paraded before the world and the example she sets for other women. If she has misrepresented who she is, then I am judging her image alone.

Lainey Serjenna writes:

If you read what Alaina writes on her blog, she didn’t leave just because her husband was unemployed. She left because he was violent and abusive, in addition to refusing to support his family financially, and she did not want her son to grow up with that kind of poor role model.

From what I read I can see that she’s a very good mother, a kind and open person, who had recently found a good partner who may well be a better father to that little boy than his deadbeat father (who will not take time to care did his son when he is sick, for example) would ever have been.

The father continues to live parasitically off other women. Is that really the sort of man you’d prefer Benjamin to grow up with? Why was leaving him and waiting for a good solid man like Bear a bad decision?

Alaina is clearly an amazingly strong woman, with support from her own mother and her friends, and you’d do well to apologize to her.

As for Van Wijk’s comments about single mothers: if he ever approached me, my response would be that, regardless of children or no, his being a racist would be a dealbreaker. We all have our own preferences.

Laura writes:

I did indeed read Alaina’s description of her husband’s actions and honestly she came across as a bully to me. She accuses him of pushing her and banging on a door, accusations that hardly prove he was a violent person. She removed their son when he was a mere four months old, hardly giving her husband a chance to adjust to fatherhood and fall in love with his son, let alone prove his worthiness as a financial provider. Her actions are suspiciously like those of a woman who wants a richer man. By the way, a woman has no right to a “good role model” when she marries a man whom she has chosen. She promises to stay with him no matter what. Are you familiar with marital vows? Do you know what a promise is?

Regardless of whether her new man is a superior person, he is not her son’s father and she may be surprised to find someday that this relationship means alot to her son and that her son may see her negative attitude toward the man who fathered him a reflection of his own worth as a man.

Van Wijk is not racist and he is unlikely to approach you.

Lainey writes:

I do know what a promise is, and his promise to love and cherish was broken when he threw boxes at his pregnant wife and consistently refused to support his young family. Does his behavior have no bearing on your assessment of this circumstance?

Benjamin may also come to thank his mother for not subjecting him to laziness and violence in his father figure. Whether Alaina has “no right” to a good role model, 4-year-old Benjamin certainly does. How heartless to say otherwise.

Laura writes:

I have had too much experience with women claiming a man is violent when they wish to get rid of him to fully trust Alaina’s accusation that her husband was violent because he once threw some boxes at her. But let’s say he did. First, is one offense unforgivable?Is a man never permitted to lose his temper without being permanently cut off?

You say he “consistently refused to support his young wife.” Give me a break. They were married for two years and their son was four months old. If after 10 or 15 years, he did nothing but sit on the couch, serious action would be warranted. Is it possible he was facing some crisis of his own, some insecurity about his ability to support his family and needed a wife to encourage him and help him be a man? Is it possibile his manhood was threatened by a bustling, competent wife who was ordering him around and was totally secure in her own role in life? In any event, let’s say he was a total bum. It’s very possible. First, one must ask this: Why did she marry him? Second, it is the duty of a mother to make her children believe their father is a hero. If he is indeed a bum, she should not be telling the whole world out of deference to her son. Also, in doing so, she is indirectly encouraging other women to do the same.

Laura adds:

Frankly, this is so typical of what I have seen before. Not only does a woman leave a man, thereby destroying his whole life, she goes on to ruin his reputation among her friends and family. She is not content to merely let the tragedy stand. She must tear him apart in vengeance. Throwing boxes at a person is nothing compared to publicly destroying his image and deliberately damaging his relationship with his son.

Karen I. writes:

The Ms. Single Mama’s website is full of advertising. It also features a “shop” section where single moms can buy things like the New Leaf Necklace, which the site says represents “the growth, passion, love & strength every single mother carries for herself and her children.” There is also information on how to order Ms. Sheer’s book “The Stories Behind the Blog”, available for $14.95. Alaina Sheer is using her blog to profit from her situation at the expense of her son’s privacy and dignity. 

It is interesting to see the little boy in photos on the site in a feminine-style bob haircut. Most little boys have haircuts that leave no doubt about their gender. I have seen other single mothers make similar mistakes with their son’s attire and hairstyles because there is no man with any authority over the child around to tell them otherwise. The single mom I know who sent her nine-year-old boy to our local public school in a pink shirt, dress pants and dapper wool pea coat who claimed to be truly puzzled when he was called names by the other boys comes to mind. It was hard for me to believe she did not notice all of the other boys getting on the bus with parkas, sweatshirts and faded jeans. These women are not happy emasculating just the fathers of their children. They do it to their boys as well. 

It would be interesting to hear the father’s side of the story about the box throwing fight. I can just picture it. He’s unemployed, worried about supporting a wife and new baby, and she’s standing there nagging non-stop, pressing every button at the worst possible time. He throws a box in her direction and she gets the excuse she’s been dying for to leave a marriage she never wanted to be in. He’s on the hook for child support for the next 18 years, for a child who is being alienated from him at every turn.  

Single moms are very good at self-promotion. If married women with children were as skilled with public relations, the rates of children being born to single mothers would probably go down because we really do have a much better deal. But we don’t have to be as good at PR as the single moms because we don’t need everyone from our parents to society in general (welfare) to help raise our children. If people went back to thinking single motherhood was a disgrace, the help would dry up, and they cannot possibly do it alone, no matter what they say. 

Erin writes:

In the effort to not hurt single mothers, many of whom are already terribly hurt and emotionally fragile, we pretend that children are fine so their mothers don’t “feel bad.”

I’m not normally much of a commenter, being much more of a “listener,” but I can’t keep silent about what’s being said on this topic.

What exactly do these defenders of Alaina imagine it takes to have a successful marriage? They are presenting her as a lily-white, Bambi-eyed innocent whose husband savaged her! I’ve been married for 26 years and my husband and I have never had a fight in which one of us was a lily-white innocent. Being married means overlooking what you don’t like in order to see and magnify what you do like. My husband has had to forgive and overlook every bit as much as I have. We are two faulty beings getting through life together and learning selflessness and love through giving up what we each want for the good of the other and our children.

My husband has hurt me badly (not physically.) He has struggled through severe depression after unemployment. Have there been times when I badly wanted out of the marriage? Yes! But my children need their father and my staying and seeing it through has resulted in a deep emotional connection with the man I love and children who have a close relationship with their very necessary father. I am deeply in love with my husband, something I would have missed if I had left at the first sign of his failure to meet my standards.

My father was an angry man and my mother endured much to stay married to him. She had much unhappiness, lived in dire poverty for most of the marriage, and never had her emotional needs met. We endured much as his children, but I needed him with all his faults, and my mother believed what she promised she should do and so she did her best to love him. He endured much being married to her because she is an emotionally damaged woman who didn’t understand how to nurture him. But he believed in doing what he said he would. I grew up with unhappy parents and our home was rarely happy, but I have never wished my mom had forced him out. He was my daddy.

As a dear older friend said when a very young lady was complaining about her husband’s behavior, “You chose him.”

Lydia Sherman writes:

When I visited my husband’s aunt on the farm in Kansas, a stout lady of advanced age, she had a quarrel with her husband of 50 years. She said something to him and he picked up the nearest thing in the kitchen where they stood, a plate of butter. The stick of butter was aimed at her but she ducked and it hit the door behind her. She told that story a lot even after he died. No, there was no divorce, but people who live together do things like that sometimes. That was a generation of trained restraint, however, and they knew when to quit. The man who threw boxes at his wife —well, I think everyone does things like that sometime or other in their marriage. It isn’t the end of the world. But to feminists, anything is grounds for divorce.

Laura writes:

I once flung a few pots and pans around the kitchen, hard enough to dent thick stainless steel. My husband was not injured nor has he ever concluded that because of this I was a violent and abusive person.

Lydia adds:

I forgot to tell you the funniest part: the butter stuck on the door. They both looked and felt pretty foolish. 

They also had the custom of naming their battles. If they had an argument on the beach they would call it the Battle of the Beach. If they had an argument at Niagra Falls on vacation they would call it the Battle of Niagra Falls. Not that they argued often, but it was so significant to them when it did happen.

Mabel LeBeau writes:

What Alaina’s husband did seemed graphic enough to me that as a woman without adequate physical retaliation skills, on realization of possible endangerment of the burgeoning life within her, quite starkly if a man could do this to a woman whose body held the best and brightest hope for their future together, then it was time to take her hat and go. Once an abuser…always an abuser.

I’m sure as mum-to-be it would actually have been the easier choice to throw the bum out, especially as she was going to have to do the heavy lifting, but she took the lot on her chin. She seems to be carrying on with the same zeal and earnestness to provide her son with love for two as possible. While one can never think that a little boy living without a father figure is the best way to model masculinity in our culture, from my impression of the mental illness of children, I can only presume that acceptance and active evidence of love, along with behavior guidelines is a better way to provide an environment of trust and expectations about life than experiencing constant ‘battles’ within the context of family between oppressive adult protagonists. Never mind the masculine role modeled for the child.

Laura writes:

“Once an abuser always an abuser?”

I once saw a woman in a fit of irritation pour an entire bottle of wine over her husband’s head and then fling the bottle on the floor (Might she have killed him if it had hit him?). She was not drunk; she was just mad. No one has ever accused her of being an incorrigible “abuser.” By this definition, there is no such thing as a burst of temper, only intractable violent proclivities. If that’s the case, no one should be married.

Jake Jacobsen writes:

There are certain things that are like neon signs illuminating our deepest character and this constant abuse of the ‘Do not judge’ verse in the Bible is one. And what is revealed is a person of low character who knows what they’re defending is wrong but because of emotional investment or a sense of being properly judged, they still defend it. It is of a piece with: Shut up he explained!

And to refer to the discussion as “filth?” Gee, overreact much? I bet this one is a treat to have a political debate with. “Obama is too dreamy, you jerk, and if you disagree no sex for you!” Natural totalitarians the lot of them.

Rita writes:

Regarding judging others: I’ve noticed that people only want to be judged if others are making a positive assessment of them. For example, if I told Ms. Sheer she had nice back muscles, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t tell me to stop judging her.

Clark Coleman writes:

Who is Joanne to be judging what the rest of us said?

Brittany writes:

I don’t really know about this woman but some people left their spouse because they really had to. If you have someone cheating all the time or being very abusive you should leave the house. Even if you don’t divorce sometimes you should leave. I am speaking about both men and women. What if you are in the house with a total psycho? This person has threatened to kill you in your sleep. It’s easy to get into these situations because you do not know the real person until you live with them.

Laura writes:

There are rare cases when such a thing happens. Then perhaps you must leave if you live with an absolute psycho. As you leave, you must view the situation with extreme humility. After all, it was you who chose the psycho. If you left, it would be wrong to promote single motherhood to other women and sell it as glamorous and victorious as Alaina Sheer has done.

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