IN A PREVIOUS post, readers described the craving of modern children for fathers, a literal hunger that is evident in the eyes.

Dorothy writes:

I live in a big city and I have used public transportation for almost everywhere I go on a daily basis for thirty years and still do. I have seen the starved-for-a-father look on the faces of children on the buses. I notice they can get so attached to a male bus driver. I did not understand this for quite some time. I wondered why these children did not “imprint” on regular male riders. I’m no psychologist but I have concluded that for the lion’s share of these children their regular bus driver is the only constant adult male in their lives. And this man is predictable, kind, friendly, always speaks to them, and is there rain or shine and during the worst storms. Whereas the regular male riders don’t automatically speak and mind their own business, bus drivers can work the same routes for years. True, some can come and go, some are hired as temps, and at change-up time a more senior driver can take the place of a junior driver. But in many cases a bus driver will become comfortable with a route and stay there. From the time they are newborn many children are dragged across the city starting in the predawn darkness and all day long on schedules, going to daycare, day shelters, preschool, school, or who knows what. So many times I see them brighten up soon as the bus door opens and they like to pause and talk to the driver and even the tiny ones in strollers will grin and stare deep into the driver’s eyes as he greets them or says good-bye. The driver may use their name and ask about school. They are totally pulled into his words and you can just watch this day after day and feel how much they want his attention. The bus driver is the only stable man they are exposed to. This is just my opinion but I feel that is how it is after years of observing. By the way, this isn’t nearly as strong with female bus drivers. They can be friendly to the children, too, but the kids take it much lighter and tend to walk away like it’s no big deal. One day I heard a group of young mothers (who I think are clueless) talking about an older bus driver who served their street for years. Sadly he died the week before. The women were actually laughing out loud about how their “babies” miss him and keep crying even after they get home. I put “babies” in parentheses because I notice black women call their children babies until they are practically thirty years old. But these were not infants crying for the bus driver. They were school age children.

Alan writes:

All of the talk of the role of the father reminded me of an incident from my life. It probably is pretty normal for kids in the last 20 years. My parents split up when I was ten and my brother and I moved away to another city with our mom where we would be close to her sisters. We were going to be living a couple hundred miles away from our father. He helped us move and I remember the night he drove back to his city. I immediately had this hole in my stomach – a deep, existential longing for his presence that never subsided though became an unconscious part of my behavior. I can still remember that feeling to this day. I’m not sure any other emotional longing I’ve had, with the exception of missing my wife and kids when I travel, has been as strong.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve learned through the school of hard knocks that I kept trying to fill this emotional hole through decisions in my work and personal life. I was always looking for a father figure rather than growing up myself. I’m just glad I was able to understand this before my sons became teens so I could try to do my best to be there for them for part of their upbringing… though I can’t help thinking how much better of a father I would have been had I caught this earlier in “adulthood.”

The damage of the absent father on our society is incalculable because so much of it is hidden deep inside those of us effected by it. I can’t imagine the longing of the kids Dorothy mentioned. Your writing is probably helping many more people than just those reading your blog.

Laura writes:

Thank you.

You write, “The damage of the absent father on our society is incalculable because so much of it is hidden deep inside those of us effected by it.”

That’s so true. It affects the innermost person. Most cannot articulate what that effect is as you have done. This inner event does manifest itself in so many ways, aside from the type of behavior described by other commenters. A large percentage, if not most, of prison inmates today had no father in their lives. There is also reason to believe that more people are turning to homosexuality because of the psychological imbalance caused by absent fathers. In the case of girls, early sexual activity and unwed pregnancy is higher in those from fatherless homes.

Many people will say, as others mentioned earlier, better no father than a bad father. But one of the fallacies behind this view is that fathers ad mothers are only loved for who they are instead of what they are. We love our parents in a physical sense; their mere presence is meaningful. I think this is amply illustrated by the stories of children reacting to the  presence of a man. Most men radiate at least some authority and strength. This has an affect, in different ways, on both girls and boys.

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