KIMBERLY WRITES:

I’ve been wanting to tell you about something that happened to me recently. It might not surprise you. It didn’t surprise me!

My 18-month-old boy is a sweet, smart little guy. But every now and then, he throws huge temper tantrums. It’s always when he’s told, No, he can’t have something, or No, he can’t go in there. If it happens when I am certain that he’s not tired and not hungry, then I can’t find any reason to allow it. He’s just trying to assert his will, and I’m not going to be a parent complaining about my “strong-willed child.” I think “strong-willed” means “proud fool.” I’m not interested in promoting my child’s self-esteem. Confidence comes from humility. A humble person is honest with himself and with God, and when you can face the truth enough to tell it, you are confident. I agree with attachment parenting as far as patience goes. I do not see any reason to justify getting angry with a young child. Bad behavior is still pretty darn innocent with toddlers.

So, when my little one throws these tempers, I use a method I read about in an attachment parenting book. I used it with my three-year-old, and it worked. And the other day, for the first time, my 18-month-old needed to be left alone in his room to throw a fit. He screamed and yelled all sorts of gibberish. It was sad for me; it’s so hard as a mother to let your baby cry, even when you know it’s for his own good. I never let him cry as an infant, so this first endeavour was trying on me.

I didn’t get angry with him when it started. I just said, “Uh-oh, time to go to your room,” and walked him in there. The mistake I made was that, in my lack of strength, I kept peeking in on him, hoping that he’d stop crying and run to me to be held. But instead, it only fired him up again, and probably prolonged the tantrum. When I realized this, remembering from the first child, I made a firm resolution to wait. I think I recall the book saying to wait five minutes after the last cry.

So, as I was anxiously waiting for him to stop, it occurred to me that the window was open (warm day) and that one of my neighbors would probably come to the door and try to tell me I was a bad mother. Where I live, the style of parenting that’s popular is one that makes any parent correcting their child an “oppressive” parent.

It had been almost an hour, and he was still screaming. I figured that since I had messed things up by peeking in to begin with, I shouldn’t persist any longer. I was arranging the couch for my three-year-old to take his nap, after which I planned on taking the baby into my bed to nurse him. Then the door bell rang, DING…DING…DING. Three times. I peeked through the eye hole and saw a short, round, lady with a head of wispy white hair. I had never seen her before.

DING…DING…DING. Three times again. I was annoyed. I opened the door.

“I walked by an hour ago and heard that baby crying, and she’s still crying. I am a child psychologist. Can I come in and help you?”

This woman was not only a stranger, but she was scary looking. Both eyes were bulging, one more than the other, and she had a big wart, but I can’t remember where that was exactly. Why would she think that my baby would want to see her face after such a rough experience? And wouldn’t I be a bad parent to do that?

I told her she needed to mind her own business. I began to slam the door when my disgust made me pop it open again and ask,

“Do you tell parents it’s okay to let infants cry to sleep in their cribs? Because that’s NOT okay!” I spit that out fast.

“No, I don’t. How old is she?” (The fact that she automatically assumed it was a girl further annoyed me.)

“He is a boy, and he’s 18 months.”

“Well, I am a psychologist and I would like to come help you.”

“NO!” I was so annoyed.

“I am a mother,” I declared.

She smiled at me, as if she was thinking, “Oh, you’re so sweet; you think that matters!” But at the time, I thought maybe I had made some headway with my confident assertion.

“This is my second child. I did the same with my first, and he is a very obedient, well-mannered little boy.”

“But you may not want them to be obedient and well-mannered — (my face said, huh??) — you might want them to have free spirits.”

I laughed. I said, “You know, that’s the trouble with parents today is that they’re listening to that ridiculous advice. Pride is the root of all sin! I want my boys to be humble!”

“Can I come in to help?”

“NOOOO!” I was shocked that she was asking again. What nerve!

“Well, fine. But if I hear it again, I’ll call the police.”

“Go ahead!” I yelled, as she stomped down my driveway.

About a week later, I saw her again, walking her dog and accompanied by what appeared to be her teenage daughter or granddaughter. The girl was wearing a mini skirt and a hot pink, elbow-lengthed glove without fingers. She had large jellyroll of a belly rimming the top of the skirt, making it look even shorter. What a sight! And she’s proud of that kid? Free spirit? Try evil spirit. Poor kid.

                                 — Comments —-

Karen I. writes:

My oldest had a lot of tantrums when he was little. Screaming and crying, he would make quite a scene. His speech was delayed and we were getting plenty of help for that, where we learned that many late talking children are prone to tantrums as they don’t have words to express themselves. So, in his case, tantrums were to be expected and we endured a countless number of them. One day, he was having a tantrum and without knocking, my next door neighbor flung open my front door walked briskly into my apartment to offer her “help”. I was stunned! Years later, he’s now a very well mannered child with no problems speaking. The neighbor who wanted to help was estranged from her only child, who was in her twenties. When the woman died a few years later, her daughter did not attend her funeral. 

Any parent who has a child of any age prone to tantrums had best keep the windows shut unless they want the parent police showing up. I notice most of the parent police are people who did a pretty lousy job with their own kids.

Alec writes:

No one is safe when a psychologist is in the neighborhood … or on the plane!

Randy B. writes:

I believe something foundational changes in a person when they choose one of the soft science professions, the ones that deal with other peoples “problems.” I wonder if that path is not chosen as a form of personal projection in hopes of finding answers to their own very serious issues?

This stranger’s actions are at the very least shocking, and a violation of social standards of permissible behavior. If I were the one whose personal privacy were violated, I would consider lodging a complaint of trespass with law enforcement. Understanding that would require a level of trust with local law enforcement, and some expectation of redress should she ever return; more importantly with a social worker and police accompaniment. At least you would have some legal standing should the situation escalate. In a well-ordered society you would have told the lady she was trespassing, informed her she was not welcome on your property. And were she to return she would be considered a threat to the safety and security of her family, which would be followed by defensible action for the sake of self-preservation, as you clearly felt threatened.

But we do not live in a well-ordered society; we live in a modern version of a socialist police state. One where any accusation of guilt activates a series of lawless actions by state agencies, each of which attempt separate you from your finances, family and freedoms. This next portion I do not suggest lightly, or as a default method of dealing with neighborhood problems. If I were to offer council it would be based on self-preservation, and hopefully proactive; contact your local city or county law enforcement and file a specific trespass complaint. This is not to initiate a legal action, but to establish a legal standing of accuser over the accused, were a complaint to be filed at a later date. Have your facts well documented prior to filing, which might require you to learn her residence location and name prior to doing so. If she the path where she takes her (as described) future prostitute daughter and dog for walks is constant, finding their residence should be easily achieved.

Hats off to Kimberly for standing up for her God-given rights and obligations as a parent, for not allowing your child to run the family, or manipulate her, and for defending the sanctity of her home.

J. in Brooklyn writes:

Kimberly and her husband need to wise up, prep up, and preferably lawyer up.  There’s nothing funny about criticism from any person who is a “mandated reporter” or even from one
who isn’t, who doesn’t agree with how you are raising your children. Here’s how one person’s plan worked. The CPS visitation in this account was based upon an anonymous call.  The comments are also informative.

Minimally, Kimberly needs to acquaint herself with the law in her jurisdiction, including the particulars of enforcement ASAP, and the contingency plan should include family member ready to take her children as visitors on a moment’s notice.

Kimberly writes:

Thank you, Laura, for posting my story. Randy B. has great advice, and I think my husband will be happy to follow this lady and find out where she lives. We will be moving soon, but it wouldn’t hurt to be proactive.

It’s strange how some women seem so eager to solve everyone else’s problems, and yet so annoyed by having to take responsibility for their own children. In the article Alec posted a link to, I saw a similar woman to the one you posted a link to in the Washington Post who left her little boy in the back seat of her car to die, by “accident of distraction.” Both are so wrapped up in everyone else’s troubles that people actually think they are respectable, good people. The problem is that they don’t want to humble themselves, to be hidden from honors and glory. Taking care of your own baby isn’t going to make people praise you, it’s what’s expected of you. So in their minds, why do it? How selfish and silly. Nobody needs a mother’s charity more than her own children. It’s not any surprise to me that these very women are actually giving terrible advice and making large problems huge. If they choose not to care for their own little ones, they are failures from the roots up.

This is really common, isn’t it? The whole world seems to admire these villain (not super-hero) mothers. I have a good friend who got pregnant at sixteen, married the father at seventeen, and is still married to him. She has three kids now. It has been really difficult for her. She is a housewife, but she doesn’t see any beauty in it. She doesn’t cook. She cleans in spurts. She sleeps on the floor while the kids play around her and stays up all night watching TV or getting dressed up and doing make-up for “fun.” She lives for going out to raves with her husband about once a month. She told me recently that when the kids are all old enough, she plans to do things like “Walk for the Cure” for breast cancer. She told me about how she stooped down (in a sleezy outfit) to tell a homeless guy that she believed he was her equal. She was trying to convince me that she was going to be a good person someday, but right now, it’s just impossible.

I really think it’s mainly because she watches so much TV.

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