MICHAEL N. writes:

To my great regret, I have vast and intimate knowledge of pornography, and like one of your previous commenters, I wish I had never laid eyes on the stuff.

I was a habitual user of pornography from early adolescence into my 40s. I started with magazines, then videos and from there seamlessly to Internet porn, and I have no doubt that modern therapists would classify me as an addict (though I loathe the notion that addiction renders one helpless). I went cold turkey shortly before I was accepted into the Catholic Church, due mainly to Christ’s wholly unambiguous identification of lustful gazing with adultery in Matthew 5:27, and the prospect of having to confess my sins to a priest. Although I have been strongly tempted several times since, I have so far held firm through the grace of the Holy Spirit.

As an aside, exactly how do Christian men rationalize their way around Matthew 5:27 when it comes to pornography? This has to be one of the least ambiguous or open-to-interpretation passages in the Gospels.

On the matter of pornography and marital satisfaction, I have to say that I was never in any sense driven to porn by my wife–my habit predated our marriage by decades and was more or less unaffected by it (aside from the additional furtiveness required). My wife and I have had some serious ups and downs, but my desire to view porn was not in any way correlated with these; in fact, it may well be that I was less likely to use porn when things were going badly between us. I should also point out that (contrary to many womens’ impressions of why men use porn) my interest in porn had nothing whatsoever to do with any perception of my wife’s inadequacies or a desire to compare her with other women; in fact, I have always been repelled by the lurid and artificial “beauty” of models and mainstream porn actresses. I looked at porn because I craved images of many different women, and that’s it. Youngfogey’s comment captures the impulse perfectly:

Men tend to see women who are even remotely attractive as part of a large pool of beauty, emanations from a common source rather than competitors.

Having said that, it’s not really that simple. While I had grown aware of how much porn had corrupted my internal life (that is, the burden of living against a constant backdrop of guilt and shame), I had not realized how deeply it had affected my marriage. Although I was not comparing my wife to the women I viewed, and certainly was not fantasizing about them during intercourse, porn nevertheless made me desire my wife less. And this wasn’t just due to some zero-sum effect, where a finite amount of sexual desire expended on fantasy women meant that much less available for my wife (though that is true to an extent). No: Porn erected an invisible barrier around my inner self, and made part of me inaccessible to her (or perhaps the converse). And it is only since I have quit porn that I have begun to realize something of what marriage is meant to be. My desire for my wife has acquired a previously unknown depth and intensity–not simply that of a man who suddenly has no other options, but something more like a man who has been cured of a colorblindness that has afflicted him since birth. Our intimacy is purer and richer, and this provides perhaps my most powerful practical reason for resisting future temptations.

I can only speak for myself, but if any of my story rings familiar to other male readers, I would say this: It is probably true that you are not comparing your wife to porn models and actresses, and it is entirely possible to hide your habit from her (and your children) indefinitely while maintaining a superficially chaste and faithful appearance. It is also very likely that you are forsaking much more than you realize. Give it up for a week or six–unsubscribe from whatever sites or services you use, delete any saved files you have, or (if you can’t bear the thought of that) lock them away on an encrypted USB drive and put it in a lockbox away from your home. Do anything necessary to put porn away from you, and live without it for as long as you can (prayer also helps with this), and see how your life changes.

                                                    — Comments —

Doug writes:

Before you bring the pornography thread to a close I wanted to address the fact that porn causes a physical reaction in the body which produces a “high.” Some say it is similar to the “high” of heroin. I am currently training to become a neurodevelopmentalist so I can help children with learning problems. I have learned that the brain can be stimulated in such a way that it causes PHYSICAL changes in the brain. For example, if a child who can see and hear views flashcards as a tutor repeats what is on the flashcard several times a day, new neuropathways can be stimulated to develop in his brain.

Because God has made men to be very visually stimulated, the same thing happens when a man views pornography. Viewing an image stimulates chemical changes in his brain as well as increasing endorphins and other “feel good” chemicals in the body. Porn is not just damaging psychologically, emotionally or spiritually but the physical changes to the body make it harder to “choose’ not to do it.

I believe porn is from the pit of hell and that it damages families and women and children. May God give men the courage to cut off all stimulation that may tempt them to sin in this area. It may mean having no electronic media in the home at all and making such hard choices as not traveling alone as well as allowing a trusted spiritual leader to check the history of your computer regularly.

I am tucking our new son into bed tonight. He is a beautiful little seven year old boy who recently came to our home through the foster care system. He was physically and sexually abused and I have no doubt that the sin of pornography contributed to him being robbed of part of his childhood. By the grace of God he is being healed from this although it will take a lifetime.

Men, don’t fool yourself as you sit in the dark alone with your fantasy. You are feeding an industry that is raping women and children of their very lives. Repent.

George writes:

One of my other favorite blogs, The Last Psychiatrist has an interesting take on the porn issue here and here. The author writes:

In women, narcissism manifests itself as a greater libido, and in men, a lesser one.

You might think this is backwards, but it isn’t. The wife is more involved with every part of the relationship– the money, the jobs– his and hers– the troubles, everything– that the man has no way to construct an artificial identity she’d believe. He can’t pretend he’s anything– suave, a major force at work, a successful investor, whatever– because she knows his reality in text message speed. She talks to her husband not once, but four or five times a day. What’s he going to say she doesn’t already know? Even legitimate successes are subdued because they are not at all surprises.

Here’s the mistake: women say, “but I get turned on by him anyway, he doesn’t have to impress me, he has me.” And my unscientific poll of… some… women suggests they are more sexually open and experimental than ever. So what’s wrong? And so maybe the wife thinks she’s not hot enough? And catchers his glances at the waitress, the porn on the computer.

Well, the problem with his libido isn’t how hot she is. He’s a narcissist: the problem is his libido is that it depends on how hot he is.

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