LIV writes:

I have been reading your blog for a half a year now. I actually started calling myself a traditionalist a year before that, after I spent some time abroad on my own and, for lack of a better expression,  saw the light. Your blog has been a great help to me. I started out  reading the male perspective online and continue to do so, but am also grateful for the balance you provide. Recently you and your readers have been discussing the subject of  man-bashing and how it stems from assumed male authority. The  following comment of John P. made me consider the situation in my home:

“As to hierarchy breeding resentment, I think this is untrue. Bad  hierarchy breeds resentment. There are many men who are vastly better  at squash than I am and I feel not the slightest resentment toward  their position because it is self-evident that they have earned their  superior position through a transparent and rule oriented process.  Resentment of superiors emerges when the leadership is observably no  better, or even worse, than the led, a condition I see as becoming  worryingly ubiquitous in liberal society.”

The peace that comes with the acceptance of this hierarchy is priceless. In my personal life, I seek out men who are willing to lead  while doing my best to honor my father at home. The home is where I  currently have problems. My father, bless him, asserts his dominance  over me and my older sister to a degree. He is approaching his 60s, I  myself am in my early 20s. With his old age comes the usual problems:  poor memory, infirmity, and apathy. He allows my older sister (in her  30s) to bring men into the house that are bad news. As for the heavy  lifting, my cousin has been around lately to help and I let him know  every chance I get that I greatly appreciate it. No matter how much  time I spend reflecting on my actions or leaning to hold my tongue, I  sometimes snap and criticize my father for his leadership. I  understand it is mostly due to his old age, but I feel horrible after  I snap. I try to remember each day we start over.

I’ve concluded that the ultimate solution to my problem is to move out  and start my own family. I am the type of person who will end up doing  so far away from my hometown. For the time being, I am stuck here for  a year, finishing my degree and preparing for my graduate test. Two  fears consume me: one, my ability to endure this situation, two, what  will happen once I am gone.

Laura writes:

Thank you for writing.

If your father is only in his fifties, that is young to be experiencing the effects of old age. Still, it can happen and a man can become what Charles Dickens’ Wemmick delightfully called “The Aged P.” prematurely. You seem to be the victim of bad hierarchy from your own Aged P., but you have a sensitive appreciation for hierarchy even so. You are a traditionalist if you accept an ideal even though it has not worked out for you.

I suspect when you leave you will appreciate your father more. I hope you will find ways to care for him. As for enduring now, everyone loves someone they dislike or they do not love at all. You are entering the heart of the country. Your life with your Aged P. is not a distraction, but the road to important things.

                                                   — Comments —

Reader N. writes:

I agree with Mrs. Wood that a man in his fifties today is young to be experiencing the effects of old age. The age of 50 is vastly different today for most people, especially men, from
the way it was a couple of generations ago. As someone with an interest in proper health, I urge you strongly to get your father to a competent physician and to have extensive blood work done.
We men are notorious for regarding ourselves as invulnerable when we are in our 20’s, and 30’s, and often in our 40’s. We therefore shun medical doctors, because they are for taking care of women
and children. This may seem an exaggeration, but often it is not, therefore you should expect him to resist an examination in many ways.

Laura writes:

My husband’s philosophy with regard to the doctor is this. “My health is none of his business.”

This is an old and much-repeated story. I know a man whose wife begged him for years to go to the doctor just for a check-up. I am proud to say that after much lobbying, I was personally successful in convincing him to go to a doctor. 

Liv writes:

First, thank you both for your input. I suppose I am doing the best I  can in the current situation. I certainly will do whatever I can to  help my father, wherever I may be. Sometimes I become a little  overwhelmed and get ahead of myself. Our family structure is not a  strong one. My parents never married, my mother unfit to care for my  father and me, and his marriage to another woman failed despite the  best efforts. My sisters grew up in other households. If his health  should become even worse, I am certain the greater responsibility will  be mine to bear.

As for his health, my father has worked a good portion of his life  away in a kitchen. Stress, failed marriages and lack of support have  led to his poor health. I am surprised that his poor diet habits took  this long to catch up to him, just this spring he was at the doctor.  He is running the risk of a heart attack and is borderline diabetic. I try  to encourage him, but he just can’t change his habits. Of all people, I think he’d rather not hear about good habits from his daughter. For  now, he has biweekly visits with the doctor.

I will keep hope. Long ago, families stuck together through thick and thin. The lessons I learn now will help me to build the foundation for  a family of my own someday.

Laura writes:

You have a terrible burden for someone your age, with a broken family and an ill father. I know you will keep hope. You are a good girl and I wish you the very best.

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