INGRID writes:

I’m writing from southern Europe to ask the help of you and your readers. 

I spoke to a friend of mine the other day, who told me that she is pregnant, very depressed about it, and considering having an abortion. She already has two children, and she hadn’t wanted a third anytime soon. It seems that she and her husband are having some problems in their relationship and I think that they might be having some financial problems, as well.

She mentioned that she had hoped toreturn to work soon, but now wouldn’t be able to. She lives in a city several hours from me where she has no friends or relatives other than her husband’s family, and they aren’t really involved with them, and I know that she gets overwhelmed taking care of two small children without any help or support from family or friends. I know that she is also very lonely. I was disturbed by her willingness to consider abortion, but I didn’t really know what to say when she asked me what I thought. I mentioned that I thought that abortion could cause health problems, and that she should not have one. (I did not go into detail because this wouldn’t be her first one and I didn’t want to scare her too much…it wouldn’t be helpful.)  I would like to try to talk her out of this, but I’m not sure how to do so constructively. The last thing that I want to do is make her angry, put her on the defensive or make her feel worse than she already does, because I think that it would be counter-productive.

I told my fiance about it, and while he frowned at the mention of the word “abortion” – he thinks that it should not be legal – he didn’t have much to say. Most of my friends don’t see anything wrong with abortion and wouldn’t see any reason why I should try to talk her out of it. I was wondering if you, and maybe your readers, might have some suggestions..

Thank you for your time.

Laura writes:

This is terribly sad. Given that your friend probably receives little affirmation from the world around her for the hard work of her first two children – and the first two babies are typically the hardest – it is not surprising that she feels overwhelmed. It is understandable that she does not have confidence in what she is doing or in the future since most of her friends probably give relatively little to motherhood over the course of their lives and since she does not have supportive family nearby.

But something is profoundly wrong with your friend, she is experiencing a terrible spiritual crisis, if she is considering such a drastic step.

It is important that you take the time to speak with her and to visit her right away if possible. A visit would show her that someone considers this a serious matter. If there is any possibility that you could spend a day with her children and let her go off on her own, that would be a great thing. Or perhaps you and your fiancé could chip in together to hire a babysitter for a full day for her. These acts may be a burden and expense to you, but you have been drawn in and there is no going back.

I would try to reason with her, telling her that another sibling will be important to her children and that finances will work out in time. Tell her that God has already created this new individual and that motherhood was never meant to be easy. In fact, it was meant to be heroic. This is her chance to care for the weak and defenseless.  Tell her there are many, many couples who would love to take this baby if she cannot care for him. What would she say to her mother if she had contemplated the same thing when she was pregnant with her? Take the time to talk with her. Again, I know this is a burden to you.

Reason alone probably will not work. I would also gently say, “Please, don’t do this. Please, don’t.” Let her see that you are upset, that you are not cool and collected about all this.

There may be an anti-abortion group near where she lives that counsels women considering abortion. These groups typically are kind and supportive and will not overwhelm her with disapproval. See if you could arrange for someone to visit her. I imagine she would not consent to it, but you might try. There may be a church that would offer her help and support too if contacted. Again, I realize she might not agree to it. It would be a great help if she could speak to an older woman who is sympathetic and understanding.

In the meantime, other things in your life don’t matter as much as this personal crisis. Even if you do all this, you have to be prepared for the possibility that your friendship will end. This may happen even if you are tactful and considerate. If she does go ahead and have an abortion, she will probably resent you for having intervened. If so, don’t try to repair what is permanently ruined.

                                                                                                  — Comments —

Karen I. writes:

I agree with your suggestions to the friend of the woman considering the abortion. 

I don’t think it is enough, though, to just say finances will work out. The fact is, it isn’t always that easy and mothers know it. Many studies have shown financial worries are a leading reason mothers who already have children have abortions. When a mother is worried about providing for the children she already has, she may think she has little choice but to abort. I think it is critical to research what financial help is available for mother in her situation. In America, our welfare system takes care of a lot for those in need, but I don’t know what is available in Europe. If nothing else, perhaps some financial help from a church can be found. A Catholic Church near me will give donations to families in crisis and I have heard others do as well. 

Although the writer attributed the mother’s depression to the pregnancy, it sounds as though she may have been depressed even prior to the pregnancy due to her difficult circumstances. Post-partum depression may be the issue. I would strongly encourage the mother to seek immediate help for her depression before making a decision to abort. There are medications that are supposed to be safe during pregnancy that could alleviate the depression quickly while counseling is being arranged. It may be helpful to remind the mother that she is not alone in her depression. The March of Dimes says on their website that as many as 1 in 5 pregnant women suffer from depression and there is no shame in seeking help. 

A woman who calls a friend instead of going ahead with the abortion is crying for help. She has had a previous abortion and she knows how to get one. She may sense that the writer would try to talk her out of the abortion as it sounds like there are plenty of people in her life that would encourage it. So, she may be looking for just the type of support you are suggesting. 

One last thing I would do is remind the woman that one more child will not prevent her from going back to work or doing the things she wants to. As we all know, daycares will take three kids just as readily as two and women often go back to work within a very short time of giving birth. It is not an ideal situation, but far, far better than an abortion. I would emphasize that the womans’ life would not be over if she had one more child. 

Forgive me if this is not my finest writing. Time is of the essence in this situation and I wrote this quickly, from the heart.

Laura writes:

Those are good suggestions. I would be willing to bet, however, that this mother’s financial problems involve diminished expectations and not starvation or pennilessness. When one lives in a highly materialistic society, not keeping up can feel like social death.

Karen I. writes:

Even if the mother’s problem is simply diminished expectations, that can still be a problem if she feels so deprived she would consider it cause to abort a baby. It can be very hard for a young mother to see her friends have their freedom and possessions while she toils on with far less and little appreciation for her efforts. Unfortunately, the wisdom needed in this sort of situation sometimes does not come until one is older than childbearing age, when it is too late. I wonder where the young mother’s own mother is. It sounds like she could really use her help. 

There is a lovely Danish proverb that says “A rich child often sits in a poor mother’s lap.” Isn’t that the truth!

A reader writes:

This is an emergency. How could she not be considering first and foremost, after raising her child, giving the child to a loving family? This cuts through all the intellectual meanderings that we are subjected to when faced with abortion. It is simply monstrous, though we all have too many close to us that have taken this monstrous route. I suppose the families of SS members had to shrug similarly when all was revealed. At this moment, I cannot think of a more selfish act.

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