A FEMALE READER writes:

I just wanted to chime in regarding the article “Regrets of a Stay-at-Home Mom” that was discussed here. I cried while I read it. I had a “career” that paid a large salary, my husband also makes much more than the average income. When we had our daughter, I returned to work – not for money, but for “security” and “having a cushion of savings.” It was the very definition of a disaster. I was depressed and angry and felt like I never had enough time with my daughter. The time I did have with her was when I was tired. I really didn’t have any time for my husband or for me. I gained a lot of unhealthy weight and felt miserable. Then my husband came home from work and just told me to quit my job over dinner (at 11:00 p.m. while eating sub sandwiches he picked up during the day) in the same tone of voice you would tell someone to remember to turn the light off when they left an empty room. I put in a two week notice, “burned my bridges” by leaving at a critical time for my position in my company, in the middle of several projects I was in charge of (meaning I will not be able to be rehired at that company and it is unlikely they would give me a decent reference.)

At first we actively tried to create a 1950’s Ozzie & Harriet home. I would get up with him and make breakfast, spend the day with my year old daughter, straighten the house and then change clothes and have dinner “on the table” when he got home. We did the “1950’s” (that is what we called it) as part humor, part didn’t know what else to do, part I wanted to show him everyday that I was SO MUCH HAPPIER staying home. Most of our “1950’s” things became habits and our lives have settled into a lovely flow. I have not looked back. We are so amazingly fortunate that he can comfortably support a very middle class lifestyle by himself. We still save money and “have a cushion.”

If I was that unhinged when my baby was cared for by a full-time nanny in our own home when I worked, I cannot imagine the devastation of shipping my baby off to a day care center every day. The author of the article mentions that she went to work crying with spit up on her shirt. What makes her think that she would have stopped crying? The moral of this story seems to be more “Don’t divorce” than “Don’t stay home with your kids.” The newspaper industry would have still imploded even if she was in the workforce. Would she still have gotten a divorce if she worked? Likely. However, she would have lost out on raising her sons. They would have had a “shifting” cast of caretakers not a mother.

If she changes her outlook and works hard, her current state of poverty will be a passing phase (much like her children’s childhood). There is no mention of her sons paying their way through college (first attend lower priced community college, then transfer to a University – work a full time job.) Who said she has to buy them high-priced consumer goods? Why can’t they both work and contribute to the household instead of moving away to a dorm or apartment where they will pay rent? If her work and child support do not cover expenses, she has to lower expenses. She is (understandably) focused on the short-term rather than the long-term.

Laura writes:

Your response to being away from your child was normal and healthy. I hope that as your daughter grows older, you continue to see your role at home as vital and that you publicly affirm your choice not just as one of many equally good options but as the right choice.

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