THE situation of the woman who is forced to abandon her children, her duties to her husband and her home under pressure from a husband who wants the income she can earn is sad and all too common. This occurs routinely. It is understandable if a family is faced with absolute destitution with no food or roof over their heads. But typically that is not the case. A husband may out-and-out demand that a woman work even though the family can get by with less or he may place constant subtle  pressure on a wife by denying the value of her job at home and never praising or recognizing her work. He may invisibly destroy her morale.

What can a woman do in this situation? Lydia Sherman has excellent advice. She writes:

There is a generation of men that have apparently missed out on being real men by accepting the responsibility to provide for their families. They feel that women should carry half the “load” of the financial responsibility. They may be getting this idea from other men who congregate at work and discuss their personal financial problems. They may be comparing their homemaking wives to the career women surrounding them at the work place. They may lose a sense of the precious value of their own wives at home. They could possibly listening to reports on the radio or television that keep them in a hyped up sense of fear that everything is going to crash financially and we are all going to be living in cardboard boxes if we only have one income. The media has done this for decades now, to mobilize people in whatever direction they want.

Many church members, including preachers, elders, deacons, teachers and “leaders” have their wives working. They seem to have cut many scriptures about the responsibility of women in the home, out of the Bible. It is rarely spoken of in churches today, for fear of offending most of the members, whose wives are working outside the home. In a future post, I will address the problem of what to do at home. There are those who do not know what to do at home, and are working because they feel there is nothing for them to do at home,

The media and government agencies promoted the feminist movement, to get women out of their homes to make money, from which income taxes would be extracted. This would provide more money for the federal government to support questionable programs and create an empire not approved of by the American people. When you cave in to the pressure from your husband or anyone else, to go to work, you are giving the government some of your money to support their unholy programs like Planned Parenthood and government schools which teach thousands of children to hate the free enterprise system and embrace socialism and communism….

… When wives see husbands putting pressure on them to go to work outside the home, they need to remind them of what God says…. To keep the situation from becoming tense, women should busy themselves about the house, and when pressured to get a job, ask the husband to take over the work at home for awhile and work full time, too. The men will quickly see that it cannot be done. If a man is truly a leader, he will show the way, not boss the way. He will live what he teaches. If he thinks his wife should have a second job (her home is is first job), he should get a second job just to show the example. If he is not working, he should not ask his wife to work, and if he is trying to be a house -husband, the wife should certainly not get a job. It will only make him lazier, as he “falls back” on his wife’s income. If she goes to work, he will not be as careful with his expenses, and he will fail to feel that all depends upon him. It does not make him a better man if he sends his wife to work. It will rob him of his sense of urgency in solving the income problem. The wife can, however, cut back on expenses, and be resourceful, learn to make things herself rather than buy ready made or manufactured goods, and live simply.

                                                                                    — Comments —

Jill F. writes:

I agree that Lydia Sherman’s article on this subject is excellent and I agree with all she says. I have been alarmed, however, by the number of women who are “stay at home” wives and mothers and take that term literally and that’s all they do…just stay at home! Mrs. Sherman advocates a truly Biblical approach to women in the home; active, working, busy and blessing our families. I believe that if more men were truly blessed by their wives presence in the home they would be slower to try to push her into the world of work outside the home.

Christian women can fall into the fallacy of working on behalf of their children and themselves in the home and neglect making their husbands central to their ministry there. For example, numerous women I know can’t be bothered to stop what they are doing and greet their husbands as they walk in the door at the end of a long day. Their houses might be clean and the children cared for but hubby is an afterthought. I think this kind of treatment causes men to feel as though their wives have all the fun and don’t really care about them…an immature response perhaps, but valid nonetheless.

When a wife blesses her husband in such a way that she would be missed if she weren’t home anymore…men would be less inclined to count on her for more income.

Laura writes:

To have a deadbeat stay-at-home wife is a curse. Fortunately, most women care about their children, their homes and their husbands. They are constantly busy.

I agree with what Jill says about the importance of not neglecting a husband. If you look at movies made 50 years or so ago, you often see the opposite behavior, with a woman dressed up and attentive when a man comes home.

Janice writes:

In regards to men forcing their wives to work, this caught my eye: 

“They may be getting this idea from other men who congregate at work and discuss their personal financial problems. They may be comparing their homemaking wives to the career women surrounding them at the work place.” 

I just shook my head. My husband comes home and tells me about the men he works with. Many of them have their wives working, but (the men) work as much overtime as they can. For what? To pay for all the goodies they have: houses they can’t afford, boats, trailers, new cars, etc. One guy is always seeking my husband’s financial advice but, go figure, he never takes it! Our neighbor moved (I think they had to) because he had too many goodies too. REALLY BIG ticket items. His wife would tell me they just got done paying off something and he would go out and buy something else. She would always tell me that she might have to go back to work if he didn’t cut it out. Well, sure enough, a fews years back she got a job at a local doctor’s office. She was able to be home for her kids as much as possible (which wasn’t enough). They lived here for about seven years and their house gained over $100,000 in value. She told me they cleared only $17,000. They obviously had taken a second mortgage. By the way, this guy was a really hard working guy, he just didn’t control himself in the spending department! 

My husband also tells me about the women he works with; much of it is not very flattering! 

In the interest of full disclosure: I have a very small part-time job that I basically created for myself. Seven, almost eight years ago, I was offered an opportunity to instruct/coach young people in swimming. A lady, whom I had never met, thought it would be a great idea to have a homeschool swim group. She called me and the rest is history. The first year, I could only volunteer, but after that first year I was hired. My kids have always been with me at work (the youngest since she was two) The oldest (17) now has a job there also. Just that part (part) time job has been hard at times. I do feel pulled in different directions sometimes and I don’t like it, but my kids do get to swim for free, they are learning a valuable life-long skill (swimming) and also many job related skills, the biggest being: how to deal with people! 

I initially took this “job,” with my husband’s approval, because we couldn’t afford (at that time) the monthly fee for them to swim and one of the perks was free swimming! But, the most important thing for me has been that my kids have always been able to be with me, even during training and meetings. If they had not been able to be with me, I would have never done it. I have also been able to add to my skills over the years ( and my paycheck). The first criteria has always been, before pursuing these certifications, a very short time committment.

I am now a certified swim instructor, CPR/First Aid instructor, lifeguard instructor and even a certified lifeguard. As a lifeguard instuctor, I was able to teach and certify my son in lifeguarding for free (normally a $300.00 course) This led to the job he has now: a swim instructor and lifeguard.

Josh F. writes:

The type of “man” that “forces” his wife to work is  actually the same type of “man” that rides passenger with his wife driving, the male liberationist. Which is to say, no man at all. To 
say these male liberals have been “feminized” is nonsensical. Such a “feminization” would suggest something beneficial. In  actuality, these male liberals have been radically autonomized, so much so that they “force” their wives to work. They  see their wives as pure “equals.” Their “union” is almost always the  “union” of a male and female liberationist. Unless we are talking violent “force,” how can the modern wife be “forced” to work without  some underlying desire to avoid the unyielding task of motherhood? This is also at play. Modern females choose careers because they are HIGHLY subsidized and so much more predictably easy as compared to  full-time motherhood especially with mulitple children. Again, the freedom of the liberationist is to have less responsibility where ever  and when ever possible.

Kimberly writes:

I like what Lydia has to say. It’s an important topic, and it’s no surprise that she decided to tackle it. But there is one piece of her advice that does not seem reasonable to me. It could be just me and my husband, but I get the feeling that most men out there would not care if their wives asked them to do half of the housework when presented with the challenge, even if getting a job outside the home is too much on her. They might agree to it, but they wouldn’t actually do half, and it wouldn’t bother them to live in messier conditions with less cared for children. It may bother them eventually, but men just don’t see the “here and now” as clearly as women do. They see the big picture of the future, and think all this fuss we put into today is unimportant, even useless at times. But it’s not, and we can’t make them see this in any hurry. 

In my experience, the problem needs to be addressed right at the root; a man needs to respect his wife’s vocation as one equal to his own. I could be wrong, but I would say it’s even worth fighting for, if he chooses to bring it to that. Women who know the value of their work as a wife and mother are few, and we need to stand up for ourselves. Like Lydia says, everyone in the world around our husband is trying to convince him otherwise. And the work we do is easily taken for granted. As I said, many men can get by without a clean house and made-beds, and very few appriciate all the efforts of cooking as they should when they can get the same thing at Boston Market or any other number of fast food places/ resturants. Even if they appriciate it, they could do without it if they would rather have a second income. It’s hard to blame anyone for not noticing the value of a housewife, especially a man. And that’s because the ultimate value is not really in our work itself; it’s in the beauty that our work brings out. It’s in our feminine hearts.

Another person pointed out how important it is for a woman’s presence to be valued, even more than her work. I think men can understand this concept perfectly. They know we are more motivated to work hard for love then for money. They know we are happier in the persuit of love than in the persuit of wealth (at least those of us who have had the fortune of shaking free of the bonds of feminism). They want a sweet, happy wife that is a pleasure to be around, or they would not have gotten married. I think it’s more important to them than anything else that is “here and now”. So even if they don’t really see why we want our children in a clean home, or why we fuss about keeping them away from the t.v. and reading to them instead, they are willing to make it possible and provide for us if they know that this is what fulfills us. Our work is fulfilling, and will bring out the best woman we can be. They have to see that it works by our attitudes. We have to prove our fulfillment by being cheerful, relaxed, ready to laugh and to listen, to put our work aside as soon as possible for them. We need to look as nice as is appropriate when they get home from work. We have to give it our best effort, out of gratitude.

If we do this consistently, then when our success is being threatened in some way and we are not capable of relaxing entirely or smiling sincerely for fear of failing, he will notice. He may have forgotten that our vocation is important to us. He may not understand the threat and may not believe it even is a threat. But he will remember that he had that darling wife just a day ago, and he’s willing to “conquer and provide” to get her back.

Laura writes:

Excellent. That is very well said.

John E. writes:

Jill F.’s words show a humility that is instructive to both men and women, and they were refreshing to read. Regarding any difficult circumstances we face in relationships with others, we should refuse to think of ourselves as entirely guilt-free, or as having nothing to do with the cause of our problems. I mean not a paralyzing guilt or irrational self-blaming, but a simple and realistic recognition of the truth about ourselves, which influences our attempts at resolutions to our problems before we even get started. This is not to deny that Mrs. Sherman’s suggestions may be helpful in certain situations.

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