I’VE OFTEN wondered why more people who have divorced their decent spouses don’t later publicly regret their selfishness and tell the whole world just how stupid and thoughtless they were. Probably because repentance hurts or because many people who initiate divorce are too far gone for self-reflection. Here, however, is just that: a woman who has devoted a blog to describing her divorce and its effects. She confirms my point. Divorce is spiritually destructive to those who initiate it. She writes:   

If you have forced a frivolous divorce on your spouse and children, you will never be able to shake off the stench of your selfish act. You will have to explain it to people you date and to their families and to their children and to the people your children marry and to your grandchildren when they start to ask questions about your life. Probably you will be ashamed to tell them the naked truth because it will reveal your selfish, frivolous character and there is nothing you can say to sugarcoat this huge personal defect without resorting to half truths. They won’t say anything to your face, but they will discuss it when you leave the room and they will question your suitability as a potential family member…as well they should.

Relatives and friends who witness divorce and say nothing, imposing no shame on the one who initiates divorce and pointing no fingers, are selfish too. It is not kind to withhold judgment.

                                                                             — Comments —

Jeff W. writes:

God hates divorce. From Malachi 2:13-16:

13 Here is another thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, weeping and groaning because he pays no attention to your offerings and doesn’t accept them with pleasure. 14 You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.

15 Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”

Divorce not only damages relationships with people, it damages one’s relationship with God. Repentance, reconciliation and forgiveness must take place in order to undo that damage. That is something people should think about before they divorce frivolously.

Clem writes:

Laura said.

” [I]mposing no shame on the one who initiates divorce and pointing no fingers, are selfish too. It is not kind to withhold judgment.”” 

I agree and good point. The end of shame in all matters, not just divorce, has created ‘no fault’ everything.

Laura writes:

Yes, we live in a no-fault world and the only people who are at fault are those who have standards and who believe it is harmful to the individual to embrace non-judgmentalism. It’s a form of laziness to refuse judgement. It’s so easy to not take the time to tell someone you care about that what they are doing is wrong. The divorce rate is related to the busyness of women today. Women are too busy to feel what is right and to tell other women what is wrong. There is this deafening silence. That is caused by distraction and hyper-busyness. Morality depends on women having the time and energy to interpret personal relationships and enforce standards with compassion and resolve.

The end of shame is also, by the way, the end of pride. If divorce is not shameful then staying together is not really an accomplishment but a matter of luck.

CNS writes:

I recently had occasion to experience what was alluded to in this post. I attended the wedding of a granddaughter and at the event encountered (of course) my ex-wife of 40 years plus. The encounter was illuminating with regards to this entry. 

This woman at the time (forty years ago) demanded a divorce, even going to the extent of trying to get an eviction notice from the local sheriff’s office. The reason for this was complicated, but the basis of it was her Catholicism. By this time we had had four children and she believed that her lot in life was to end up with a huge horde of children. She had a half-sister who had had twelve children plus 3 or 4 miscarriages. I might add that at the time I was a practicing physician, and the economic circumstances were certainly not a factor. 

To make a long story short, we divorced. The life history of this woman following this was one disaster after another. She became an alcoholic and had to seek help. The encounter at the wedding was illuminating. She was overly solicitous toward me and in front of her relatives. I was later informed that she got “spruced up so to speak” for a later visit I made to the home of one of our children where she was staying. 

I might point out that at the time she had re-married, but her spouse was unable to attend because of severe COPD. 

Please, do not take this comment as a statement that through the whole thing I was pure as the wind-driven snow. I even discovered at this time that I probably still loved this woman and she probably was the only woman that I had truly loved in my life. This whole affair was a disaster for all of us.

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