M. writes:

I wanted to pick your brain, and those of your readers, on a subject that is of some concern to me. How does one deal with the birth of a child whose illegitimacy is … planned? 

My wife’s brother and his girlfriend live in a European country, and have let us know they are planning to have a child. When they came to stay with us last spring, I did what was both difficult and distasteful, and told them that we’d prepared separate rooms for them to stay in. Maybe some of your readers won’t agree that this was the right thing to do, but we did it according to Christian conscience. They didn’t especially like it (which is understandable), but they put up with it. It was just for a short time, and they had planned a few side-trips anyway, so it was only a minor inconvenience. (I’d say it was more uncomfortable for me than them, because I’m basically a live-and-let-live type, but this was an “under my roof” situation, I have kids to think of, etc., etc.). 

When the topic of children came up, I spoke with the girlfriend in a kind of nudge-nudge way, telling her great, but why not have the wedding first? She replied – sweetly but firmly – that marriage may be a priority for my wife and me, but not for them. I gently pushed, asking in essence, “What’s the obstacle? You’re obviously committed to each other. Why not just put it all on paper?” Well, she said, weddings cost a lot of money, they’d want to do it right, have all their friends and family, etc. I reminded her that we had only had 50 people at our wedding, and it really needn’t be an elaborate affair. You could even do it at City Hall, and maybe, if you wanted, have a formal ceremony later, when funds permitted. 

Well … as you’d imagine, the subject got changed. 

So, here’s my question. Let’s say the child comes along. Do we say congratulations? My wife says she couldn’t say it in good conscience. But when I suggested that we say something like, “I’m sure this must be a very happy occasion for you,” she thought that was a little too obviously sarcastic. (Ya think?) 

I know this may sound trivial to some, but I’d be curious as to how you and your readers would respond, or better yet, if anyone has had any experience in this area.

Laura writes:

It’s your responsibility to let people who are close to you and who don’t know what’s right know what is right. However, it is not your responsibility to change them or to make every action you take in relation to them an effort to change them. You have let your brother-in-law’s girlfriend know what’s right. You should let her know again. They probably consider marriage an artifical formality, even a symbol of insincere intentions. To love and love alone, is probably their view. (The idea that they are not getting married because of the cost of a wedding is preposterous.)

Let them know again. Tell them what is right and that it bothers you a lot that they are not doing what is right. Drop it for awhile and then bring it up again, and again, without risking a rupture. Please wish them well when their child is born. After all, you do wish them well. You want them to marry and to raise their child together. Their baby will be your neice or nephew. You should sincerely welcome this child though your reaction to them would understandably be muted.

They have to want to change and you should allow them the opportunity to perceive their own mistakes. Assume the best of them, that they sincerely do not understand what is terribly wrong here. Life is so alienating and lonely in the modern world and they may have no one else other than you and your wife who takes their situation seriously and who genuinely cares that they are doing something wrong. They may need you.

The fact that they are not marrying is a sign of weakness in their love for each other and for their family, no matter how much it may be the fashionable thing to do. That weakness will catch up with them and when it does, they will have you and your wife as an example. Live your own life in confidence that others are watching you and that your example counts. Don’t destroy your relationship with them by doing anything more than creating some civil distance because of serious differences. If your children are young, you don’t need to discuss it with them or worry they will be affected. You will be teaching them what is right.

I am only responding on the basis of what you’ve said. There may be aspects to your relationship with them that make things more complicated than this.

Laura adds:

On a lighter note, there are still people in the world who are enthusiastic about marriage. A friend told me that he was watching Dr.  Phil at the gym yesterday and there was a woman on the show who had arranged her entire wedding. She has the date. She has the place. She has the caterer. She has the photographer. She has the musicians.

However, she has not yet found someone to marry.

M. responds:

Thank you for your response. I agree with everything in it, though in the most immediate sense, I still don’t know how to get the words “We wish you the very best” (which we do) without some preliminary remark … like “Congratulations!” or “That’s wonderful!” “Best wishes” works well on a card, but in a phone call … maybe not so much. 

Maybe I’m overthinking this, but I thought I’d ask.

Laura writes:

How about this. “You are parents now! I can’t believe it. A mother and a father. That’s amazing.”

M. writes:

“Well, well. How about that!”

Laura writes:

Exactly.

Please follow and like us: