SEBASTIAN C. writes:

I thought you and your readers would be interested in this rather sad piece that recently appeared in New York magazine discussing the effects of online pornography on men and women across America.

I live and date in New York (I’m divorced, mid-thirties) but flatter myself that financial security and the exclusivity it brings has shielded me from many of these horrors, though not all. There is so much wrong with what the article reveals without even reaching the main points regarding pornography: the casualness of the relations between the sexes, the androgyny, the women’s mindset regarding sex, the sheer vulgarity and ugly aesthetic of it all. And then we come to the virtual lives people, especially men, are living in lieu of physical reality. Men have always looked at “girlie magazines” – nothing wrong with that, but this is now a difference of kind. They seem to be taking refuge from something in a virtual Matrix. It’s as if the electricity and computer have replaced their spinal column. 

But mostly it’s just very sad and confirms many of the darkest fears about contemporary culture your writing elegantly brings to light.  

 I enjoy the site. Keep it up. People are ready for you. Even in Manhattan!

Laura writes:

Thank you.  

[Note: This article in New York contains blasphemous language.]

For those who have not read this summer’s posts about pornography, here, here, here, here, and here, they are well worth it and include remarkable comments from readers. Here is one particularly excellent comment from that discussion and a response from another reader that followed it:

Michael N. writes:

To my great regret, I have vast and intimate knowledge of pornography, and like one of your previous commenters, I wish I had never laid eyes on the stuff.

I was a habitual user of pornography from early adolescence into my 40’s. I started with magazines, then videos and from there seamlessly to Internet porn, and I have no doubt that modern therapists would classify me as an addict (though I loathe the notion that addiction renders one helpless). I went cold turkey shortly before I was accepted into the Catholic Church, due mainly to Christ’s wholly unambiguous identification of lustful gazing with adultery in Matthew 5:27, and the prospect of having to confess my sins to a priest. Although I have been strongly tempted several times since, I have so far held firm through the grace of the Holy Spirit.

As an aside, exactly how do Christian men rationalize their way around Matthew 5:27 when it comes to pornography? This has to be one of the least ambiguous or open-to-interpretation passages in the Gospels.

On the matter of pornography and marital satisfaction, I have to say that I was never in any sense driven to porn by my wife–my habit predated our marriage by decades and was more or less unaffected by it (aside from the additional furtiveness required). My wife and I have had some serious ups and downs, but my desire to view porn was not in any way correlated with these; in fact, it may well be that I was less likely to use porn when things were going badly between us. I should also point out that (contrary to many womens’ impressions of why men use porn) my interest in porn had nothing whatsoever to do with any perception of my wife’s inadequacies or a desire to compare her with other women; in fact, I have always been repelled by the lurid and artificial “beauty” of models and mainstream porn actresses. I looked at porn because I craved images of many different women, and that’s it. Youngfogey’s comment captures the impulse perfectly:

Men tend to see women who are even remotely attractive as part of a large pool of beauty, emanations from a common source rather than competitors.

Having said that, it’s not really that simple. While I had grown aware of how much porn had corrupted my internal life (that is, the burden of living against a constant backdrop of guilt and shame), I had not realized how deeply it had affected my marriage. Although I was not comparing my wife to the women I viewed, and certainly was not fantasizing about them during intercourse, porn nevertheless made me desire my wife less. And this wasn’t just due to some zero-sum effect, where a finite amount of sexual desire expended on fantasy women meant that much less available for my wife (though that is true to an extent). No: Porn erected an invisible barrier around my inner self, and made part of me inaccessible to her (or perhaps the converse). And it is only since I have quit porn that I have begun to realize something of what marriage is meant to be. My desire for my wife has acquired a previously unknown depth and intensity–not simply that of a man who suddenly has no other options, but something more like a man who has been cured of a colorblindness that has afflicted him since birth. Our intimacy is purer and richer, and this provides perhaps my most powerful practical reason for resisting future temptations.

I can only speak for myself, but if any of my story rings familiar to other male readers, I would say this: It is probably true that you are not comparing your wife to porn models and actresses, and it is entirely possible to hide your habit from her (and your children) indefinitely while maintaining a superficially chaste and faithful appearance. It is also very likely that you are forsaking much more than you realize. Give it up for a week or six–unsubscribe from whatever sites or services you use, delete any saved files you have, or (if you can’t bear the thought of that) lock them away on an encrypted USB drive and put it in a lockbox away from your home. Do anything necessary to put porn away from you, and live without it for as long as you can (prayer also helps with this), and see how your life changes.

                                                    — Comments –

Doug writes:

Before you bring the pornography thread to a close I wanted to address the fact that porn causes a physical reaction in the body which produces a “high.” Some say it is similar to the “high” of heroin. I am currently training to become a neurodevelopmentalist so I can help children with learning problems. I have learned that the brain can be stimulated in such a way that it causes PHYSICAL changes in the brain. For example, if a child who can see and hear views flashcards as a tutor repeats what is on the flashcard several times a day, new neuropathways can be stimulated to develop in his brain.

Because God has made men to be very visually stimulated, the same thing happens when a man views pornography. Viewing an image stimulates chemical changes in his brain as well as increasing endorphins and other “feel good” chemicals in the body. Porn is not just damaging psychologically, emotionally or spiritually but the physical changes to the body make it harder to “choose’ not to do it.

I believe porn is from the pit of hell and that it damages families and women and children. May God give men the courage to cut off all stimulation that may tempt them to sin in this area. It may mean having no electronic media in the home at all and making such hard choices as not traveling alone as well as allowing a trusted spiritual leader to check the history of your computer regularly.

I am tucking our new son into bed tonight. He is a beautiful little seven-year-old boy who recently came to our home through the foster care system. He was physically and sexually abused and I have no doubt that the sin of pornography contributed to him being robbed of part of his childhood. By the grace of God he is being healed from this although it will take a lifetime.

Men, don’t fool yourself as you sit in the dark alone with your fantasy. You are feeding an industry that is raping women and children of their very lives. Repent.

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