MRS. C. writes:

I was wondering if you could perhaps post this question regarding my thoughts on what I believe to be assault on a 15-year-old boy.
 
My youngest child, a 6’2″ freshman male in high school is on a competitive team, does great academically and is well liked by teachers, coaches, and also friends.  The problem:  at least three times he has come home in pain because of a prank called “nipple cripple,” something we had never heard of before.  This entails two or more boys jumping/attacking in this case my son and twisting his nipple till it causes excruciating pain.  Although he is bruised, I don’t believe that this will cause permanent damage. This has occurred both during and after school.
 
Now, this has been weighing VERY heavily on me.  I believe this is assault and ought to be immediately stopped.  I believe someone ought to be notified whether it is the coach, principal, the boys, or even the parents themselves.  My husband, who typically agrees with me, claims because our older children were all girls and didn’t encounter these issues, that I am just “too sensitive” regarding the manner in which adolescent boys interact with each other.  My husband feels that if worse comes to worse this is a problem that my son should resolve himself.  Please keep in mind that we did not raise a softy boy. He is all boy. 
 
My son wants me to stay out of it and claims it doesn’t really hurt that much and that they are just “horsing” around.   This is untrue as the only reason I found out was because he was bent over and teary when he arrived home from the school bus. Son has also pointed out that if I contact anyone he will be humiliated and his coaches will think less of him.
 
I have asked him and he has informed me that he himself has not ambushed or attacked anyone else.  I do believe him because he has never been an attacking kind of person.
 
The one thing that really bothers me is the touching by same sex of what I (in my opinion) consider a private area.  I do not condone any type of unwanted physical attack but I am certain I would not be as alarmed if he was given a noogie or punched in the arm.
 
Please any opinions?

Laura writes:

Your son is right and, given his age, you should trust his judgment. You should let him handle it, encouraging him not to put up with it and to make it clear he doesn’t like it. Since your son is a big person and an athlete, he should be able to deal with the situation himself. Your husband might have some good ideas as to how he can respond. This is the best option. He may figure out a way to respond assertively on his own and you should give him the chance to do this. 

If possible, it might be best for him not to ride the bus for a while to let these sadistic idiots forget about him. School buses are torture chambers on wheels. Bus drivers cannot possibly supervise what goes on.

If it continues or gets worse and if the coach is a decent person whom you trust, you could talk to him confidentially. But I don’t think you should do this without first letting your son know you are doing this. I’m also not sure what the coach can do if it doesn’t happen right in front of him.

I offer this advice, not as an expert, but as one parent to another.

                                                                 — Comments —

Nathan writes:

I can assure the concerned mother that such behavior is quite normal among junior high school boys, even “good” ones. I have many memories of exactly such behavior even though I attended a very good Protestant school. And no, it isn’t some sort of sexual deviance, just boys being boys.

The larger lesson to be learned here, is that not intervening is very important to the development of young men (and women). From President Obama and the Left, we often hear their tirades against bullies and bullying. While I agree that bullying is wrong, such behavior is endemic to humans, no matter how old. And, it is vital to our children’s development that they learn to successfully navigate such tormenters. I assure you, they only get bigger and more difficult as life progresses. If we do not allow our children to learn to stand up for themselves in their youth, then they will become fodder for tyrants as adults.

James P. writes:

Let’s look at the issue a different way.

If your son were inflicting “nipple cripples” on other boys, would you want to know? I certainly would, and I would punish my son severely. I would not take the view that the other boys had to solve their own problems and fend off my son’s bullying as best they could. If another parent told me my son was doing this, I would appreciate being so informed, and would act on the information.

If we assume the parents of the boys who are inflicting the nipple cripples are decent people, they may well want to know that their sons are bullies. Possibly they, too, are unpleasant bullies, but there is nothing to be lost by finding this out.

Laura writes:

I would want to know if my son was doing the bullying. He would not be permitted to stay on the team if he continued to do it.

Mr. and Mrs. C. could go directly to the parents and not involve the school at all. However, they should try to find something out about the other families before they do. 

Expatriot writes:

Nathan writes:

If we do not allow our children to learn to stand up for themselves in their youth, then they will become fodder for tyrants as adults.

But if they do manage to stand up for themselves, by teaching the bullies a lesson, for example, they will be the ones punished by the school authorities, not the bullies. But, more than that, I’ve never understood how an individual is supposed to take on an entire gang of bullies. That’s what friends are for, or should be, anyway—and yes, occasionally authority figures such as teachers and parents as well. By “navigating such tormentors” I can only assume Nathan means avoiding them, cowering before them, or attempting to placate them—a far cry from standing up to them. If he thinks there’s some magic way to “confront” bullies that relies on moral suasion alone without the use or threat of violence or punishment by authorities, he’s been watching too many movies. But then what would I know? I didn’t go to a “very good Protestant school” where it was “quite normal” for gangs of Christian boys to go around tormenting unlucky individuals under the winking eyes of their Christian elders who, like Nathan, had convinced themselves that such wickedness would produce strength and character in the victims.

Paul writes:

There is something not right here. A big athlete is being bullied? I find it hard to believe. Maybe this is something new and benign such as being punched in the shoulder when you fail to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day; but it surely does not sound like that if he is in tears.

I have been bullied, and I have punched them when they were near my size. They stop. The key, as my Daddy told me, is to hit them square in the nose.

One of several instances I recall was a 6’2,” 18-20 year old man (me being an ex-wrestler about the same age) aggressively approaching me and calling me names. I attacked (the essence of wrestling) him immediately until he asked me to stop, which I did immediately. I felt shame for years afterwards because I bloodied his lips or nose slightly and he did not have my skills. That was my last fight. I wrote off fighting as an adult, realizing that it is stupid unless attacked or significantly bullied. You just don’t know what skills your opponent has. But this boy should know.

Of course, if outnumbered, there is not much you can do unless you are willing to get beaten badly by a crowd. I recall another instance a couple of years earlier when around five hoodlums approached my friend and I at a mall cruising for girls and where we were talking to a pretty girl. A small hoodlum approached me with his crowd of around five and demanded to know why I looked at him the wrong way. I had no recollection of him at all. He was inches smaller than me. I could have pulverized him. But when I looked down the line of his five larger friends, I became conciliatory. In the meantime, our girlfriend was mouthing off to him. In any event, I pleaded innocence, and they walked away. Heck, I had no idea what these hoods were capable of.

I wonder if this is a white or a black boy being singled out in a school with a large proportion of blacks or whites. I just don’t get it.

My advice, unless these are in fact dangerous hoodlums, would be the next time I saw one of the bullies alone, I would tell the bully I am going to hit him square in the nose and then do it regardless of the threat of suspension. I have been suspended for fighting. Nobody is likely to pick on him again.

Of course, we don’t know all the facts.

Laura writes:

It occurs to me in reading over Mrs. C.’s original question that her son insists the students are “horsing around.” In other words, they are his friends and this is a form of teasing. That does complicate things because it’s not just a case of him being attacked by enemies. Because they are his friends, I think he should learn to handle it on his own or Mr. and Mrs. C. should contact their parents.

Mrs. C. writes:

The facts are that my son is black and attends a basically all white school. But please understand these teenagers are not enemies. We have lived in this neighborhood for years with all the kids attending the same neighborhood schools without any major issues. I am unsure as to whether this is racial or not, but being that it has been brought up, I feel the need to explain the reasons I believe retaliation may not be an option. 

Due to the racial realities of our lives, I have told my son for years if attacked, he may not fight back. Although my son is tall and thin, he is very strong and can certainly take both these pranksters easily. But, to what end? Yes, lessons would have been learned but what might the consequences be for a black male in this situation? Lets see – He may experience suspension, permanent college transcript stain, or even possible arrest and retaliation. 

This is the scenario for out family that must be avoided. 

So for the time being, I will take Laura Wood’s advice and transport him to and from school as a way to avoid further school bus occurrences. As to the on-premise situation – am still a bit unsure. He may have to just “handle” it when he tires of this so-called prank but am still praying that this may resolve itself in time.

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