JEN WRITES:

I would like to be one of the many readers to let you know how much your site is appreciated. I hope you continue this endeavor for an extremely long time. I hope to meet women in my life that hold the same conservative beliefs as you do, but until then, I live my life for my children and husband. My upbringing was horrible to say the least, so I’m still learning how to match these innate, conservative beliefs God blessed me with to real life where I literally feel like I’m learning from scratch, especially when it comes to marriage.

Which brings me to my problem. I recently typed this in a mother’s forum to get other mothers’ opinions:

You have skimped on laundry lately. You and husband have absolutely nothing to wear for the upcoming week. You live in an apartment and the laundry room closes at 10 p.m. It’s almost 10 p.m. on Sunday and you have no choice but to go to the laundromat a few miles away that is open 24 hours.

It is dark outside of course, and by the time you gather yours and his clothes, put them in the car and head out there, it should be around 1 a.m. by the time the laundry is done. You will just stay there and read to make sure no-one steals anything.

Will your husband let you go? Will he ask you to be careful if he is fine with it? Would he object at all? Why? 

Some mothers mentioned how their exes would have let them go, but their now-husbands would never allow it. Two women said that their husbands “don’t TELL me what I can and cannot do,” but nonetheless wouldn’t want with them going and would go instead. One wife responded by criticizing that laundry hasn’t been done. The overall consensus though was: their husbands would tell them not to go, or go for them.

I was saddened. My husband let me go. He was fine with it even though I told him I won’t be home until 1 a.m. He was putting our baby to sleep, and kissed me goodbye after I told him that, and told me he would probably head to bed as well.

He’s a “beta” husband. And, I long to feel protected and feel safe.

I was in my early 20s when I met him, and I was a single mother to a small toddler. He was so nice and sweet and I knew he would make a great father (he actually looks like my oldest as well). But, I overrode the feeling I got that felt different with him than with the few boyfriends I had before him. I just never felt SAFE with him. I told him that. It was in the car, and I tried to see the positive of it. Like how I thought it was a good thing because it forced me to be more independent and taught me to take charge of situations and responsibilities.

But inside, I was scared. Scared if I will eventually learn to like this feeling or forever feel inadequate. He was the first man that I let my daughter meet (her biological father never wanted to), and to this day, he is a great father to her and our other children. My daughter has the father-figure she needs. But as a wife, I want to feel protected, loved and overall feminine.

Laura writes:

Congratulations for consciously trying to learn everything from scratch. I’m sure you will do the best for your family. 

It’s a mistake to think that because the traditionally masculine and feminine ideals are good, we somehow deserve them. Yes, they do make for happiness, but we don’t deserve them. When we have married, we have married a particular person, not an ideal. All of us fall short in some way.

Your husband probably grew up without much encouragement to be masculine. He may well believe it’s insulting to a woman to tell her what to do. Or perhaps he is lazy or thoughtless in this regard. Perhaps he will change and perhaps not. You can’t change his past or form him from scratch. I think it is wrong to test him or put him on the spot.

The important thing is, in many other ways he has not disappointed you. Focus on those good traits. Be thankful for what you have. You can live with this inadequacy of his and love his other qualities. You will have to use some common sense of your own as you should have done when you went to do the laundry. Sorry to say, but you should do the laundry at another time.

When you feel disappointed that your husband has not looked out for you, feel disappointed. Feel disappointed privately. Complain to God, not to others, at the unfairness of it and ask that he help you to no longer care. But then put it aside. Do something absorbing or enjoyable.

We can encourage these traits in each other with compliments, with love and tenderness, but not by demands and head-on brutal criticism that may be demoralizing. If a man, for instance, is disappointed because his wife is neglecting her appearance, it would be wrong for him to come right out and say, “Listen, I’m offended you don’t want to look good for me anymore.” Instead, he should overwhelmingly compliment her when she does look good and say how he is happy it when she dresses up. The same thing with a woman. She should never come right out and attack a man’s masculinity.

Avoid rehearsing in your mind your decision to marry your husband. That’s wrong. You married him for good reasons. Trust that your decision was the right one and consciously move toward what is best in him. You may be surprised how over time, your encouragement will make him better.

These years in which you are raising your children together are the best of your lives.

                                                                                                           — Comments —

Mark Slater writes:

Regarding the question, “Would you allow your wife to go to an all-night laundromat until 1 AM”. As one currently hunting for a wife, the question intrigued me. I probably WOULD let her go, provided she already took a concealed-carry course and has the Kel-tec .380 I bought her somewhere on her person.

John P. writes:

This post reveals how much more complicated it’s become to be a good husband. My mother simply would never go anywhere at 11:00 PM, nor would she go anywhere that was not 100% safe. She knew better. In the situation described, my mother would simply have made certain that the laundry was done well before the laundromat was closed.

It really shouldn’t be necessary very often for a husband to tell his wife not to do something, she should know. An exception might be in an emergency situation, fire or tornado, but general security principles should be almost instinctive among women.

A husband and father should protect his family, of course, but a wife should be realistic about his actual capacity to do so. Unless he’s armed or has a lot of experience with hand-to-hand combat, there’s a real chance defending his family will mean being killed or injured and failing to stop the crime. Security rule number one: DON’T DO STUPID THINGS!

I know nothing much of this woman’s circumstances but does she have a legitimate reason to feel unsafe? Or is it possible she is an anxious person, possibly as a result of her upbringing? If she lives in a bad neighbourhood then her husband’s primary security duty is to move to a safe neighbourhood as soon as possible.

Robin writes:

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