RANDY B. writes:

For the first time I find a topic on your site to be actually offensive. As you know I am a 50-year-old man, and come from a very traditional upbringing. I have also publicly stood up for women, at times paying a heavy, albeit misdirected cost. This is one of those times. I am all for SLUT walks, and plan to be a part of the next march here in Salt Lake City. Hopefully the LDS Church signs on as a sponsor, as they have recently turned to support philosophies that are contrary to their teaching, and this should help them establish a pattern. 

Since the premise of the “SlutWalk” is about openness and expression, I hope that I will be well received as a man-SLUT. As I write this I have another browser window open, as I am on a quest for a size 38, Cheetah-print, spandex thong Speedo. As a guy with a bit of a gut, I hope to kill two birds with one sling, and protest for the future rights of “Estrogen-deprived Sympathetically Pregnant Narcissists” or ESPN. 

You will be glad-hearted to know I found a thong, but am having a challenging time finding a matching braw that will span my 48” chest. Don’t worry, us men-SLUT’s don’t give up that easy. To round out my ensemble I found a pair of pink Birkenstocks, and a rainbow Mohawk wig that will protect my bald scalp from the long hours in the midday sun. With a little luck and compassion, I will find a SLUT in the crowd that will be willing to rub the SPF30 on my rosy cheeks, and even at my age I will be able to endure the rigors of the physically demanding march, and the potential for developing a rash from the friction caused by my inner thighs rubbing together. 

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and if any of your more web savvy users would not mind keeping an eye out for that matching bra, it would sure be swell.

Laura writes:

You have raised a difficult philosophical question.  I saw men marching in a video of a SlutWalk, but they were not dressed as sluts.

My initial reaction is that unless you undergo a certain surgical procedure immediately, and hormone therapy, your presence as a man-slut is inappropriate – despite your very good and sincere intentions. 

                                          — Comments —

Buck O. writes:

Randy has proven that damage to the mind’s eye may be permanent. 

And, he’s not fooling me – gaming easy prey. Brer Bare bear into the briar patch.

Laura writes:

You are leaping to conclusions. Randy has a wonderful wife. His interest in the slutwalks is purely political – and heroic. He has brought new meaning to the term – so favored by men’s rights advocates – of “white knight.” He is willing to do anything to help women in distress. Make that, women in dis–dress.

Daniel from Seattle writes:

I love your blog and I check it often. It is always such a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

While I enjoyed Randy B.’s humorous take on the SlutWalk, I’m sorry to say his satire is a bit too on-point. The tongue-in-cheek suggestion is that the women involved in this event would not welcome a big fat man in a leopard print bikini. The thing is, Laura, they would welcome it.

This event is not just about “women’s rights.” It’s about transgression in general. These people are exactly allied with the people who put on things like Gay Pride parades, which are the sine
qua non of fat men in various states of undress. Granted, if several hundred fat men in bikinis showed up, the SlutWalk women might be a bit nonplussed. But if it’s just a few “liberated men” among them, I’m quite sure they would welcome it. In fact, judging by photos I have seen of the Toronto event, there have already been a few questionably dressed “men” in attendance.

This is because a fat man in a bikini is transgressive (albeit pitifully, unimaginatively so). The general message is: “Social norms are bad. Individuality and the ego-self are good. Period.”

I’m lucky enough to live in the beautiful city of Seattle, amid the splendors of one of God’s crowning achievements in natural beauty, the Pacific Northwest. And at the same time I am unlucky enough to live in Seattle, the depths of the lion’s den when it comes to pointless, self-seeking transgression. The SlutWalkers are already advertising their event on telephone poles around town. I imagine it will be well-attended and thoroughly reported in the local media.

Well, it’s a tough row to hoe sometimes, but if you want to know why I don’t fear living in the lion’s den, take a look at a picture of Mt. Rainier some time, or just look and see what my parents named me.

Laura writes:

Thanks for writing.

You make an excellent point, and get to the heart of why this event is a marketing bonanza though its message lacks coherence. It’s about stick-it-in-your-face anger and novelty-seeking. The analogy with the Gay Pride parades is dead-on. If it violates social norms and suggests vicitimization, it must be good. And, the truth is, as with the Gay Pride parade, it’s a chance to have some fun in the way mad liberals like to have fun, basking in aggressive tawdriness and the assertion of self. Sad to say, Randy B. in his Cheetah-print thong would be a hit. How long before politicians make it a practice to stop by the SlutWalk to pick up a few votes? The SlutWalk is the liberal mob bullying the people. 

I have never been to Seattle but the contrasts you describe are exactly as I imagine it. My younger son went to Vancouver with his grandparents a few years ago and he came back so excited by the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. But he also described the bizarre sight of one of those naked bicycle protests. I can’t remember what the people riding their bicycles with no clothes on were protesting but it is something in his mind forever linked with the beauty of that city.

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