EMILY HALL writes:

A very good friend of mine recently introduced me to your blog. Since then I haven’t gone a single day without perusing your archives. I am writing for two reasons. The first is to provide you with a link to my blog in which I have mentioned you. The second reason requires a much lengthier discussion.

I’d like to thank you for helping me solve an issue I was wrestling with. Recently my husband and I have been working out how to balance my desire to continue with my career with my desire to have a family. My career was the most important thing in my life until I was married, then my husband became the most important thing with my career taking a back-burner. I was enjoying having earned a considerable amount of success in my field (my first international press conference was held was I was 22 in front of 300 various members of the media), and thus had a lot of trouble reconciling my new priorities. I’ve wondered a number of times why I can’t have it all, the career, education and the family. Your thoughts on the subject of motherhood have truly liberated me from my struggle.

So many of the things that I am frustrated by come from the internal war going on between my natural desire to accomplish certain things and the mile-markers that I am conditioned to believe signify success. My mother was never a feminist in the “bra-burning, men are bad” sense but she did believe that women can capitalize on their strengths and go out in the world and be successful. That was the mind set that I took into college and it is the mind-set that makes me anxious when I begin thinking about being a stay-at-home housewife/mom. Despite the fact that, and I’m assuming it is my right brain speaking, I am constantly drawn toward wanting to start a family and be as successful as possible in that arena (by raising healthy, motivated, happy, tax-paying, God-fearing little Libertarians). You make such an excellent point about the role of traditional motherhood being the most undervalued profession on the planet, (we can’t say all motherhood is undervalued because as a single mother you are glorified to unreasonable heights). It made me think of the joke about the oldest profession on the planet (the punchline being prostitution), and how wrong that is. Motherhood is obviously the oldest, and most venerable, profession on the planet and Feminism has reigned down on us to destroy that notion. Which is why I have had that inner struggle. Not because my career really is that important, but because I was told that motherhood was not allowed to be as important.

As I was discussing the aforementioned struggle with my friend I elaborated on one of the points I believe you and I would disagree on…fatherhood. My mother did an excellent job in our one-income home of being the eyes, ears, heart and backhand of the family. She had to, seeing as how my father was often gone on deployments (US Navy). While she was being both mother and father to myself and my three siblings she still made certain that my dad was not only involved but still seen as an integral part of the family with full decision-making privileges, who required complete respect from all of us. Even when my father would come home, Mom was still the one with veto power and was still the parent we asked for permission from. A very common occurrence was to ask Dad for something because he is the easier parent and would be more apt to say yes. I concluded that your writing seems to leave no room for family situations that differ from the traditionalist ideal, no matter how healthy or not they may be, and that my mother’s position would be seen as presumptuous and ineffectual because it is not the mother’s job to be both parents.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my commentary.

Laura writes:

Thank you for writing.

You come from a good family and are fortunate. I am sure that your parents love you very much and want the best for you.

First, let me address what you call this “inner struggle.” The common belief that women can do everything at once, that a woman can be both a man and a woman, and that a man can be both a man and a woman, all content with the androgynous ideal, is feminism, as harmful on a cultural level as the “bra-burning” variety. Though she obviously is a very good woman and has raised you well, your mother is a feminist, which is not surprising given that most people today are. In my opinion, you are going to be confused and have doubts about your deeper inclinations if you don’t come to terms with this. I say you will be confused because the feminine part of the androgynous equation will mislead you into thinking that it is not as radical of an innovation as it is. With androgyny, we seem to get something, but it is very little.

Feminism is a utopian program to deny natural differences and restructure society. There is no moderate version of it. Some feminism is softer in tone. Most feminists today say, “We just want choice for women. We want women to be mothers and wives too.” But there is no such thing as entirely choosing our futures when our choices involve ignorance; we cannot really understand these life decisions until we are living them. Nor do feminists truly promote freedom. They discourage women from their traditional role by constantly glorifying its opposite, in such a way as to make it seem as if it is choice, but really it is every bit as much a lack of choice as life ever was. And, it is simply a lie that it is possible to do everything.

Most importantly, feminism never affirms womanliness, the essence of which is devotion and tender care. It allows for these things to accidentally fit in, it certainly doesn’t prevent them from existing entirely because it can’t. But it does not promote them. Feminists may ask for a thousand choices for women, but these are couched in self-interest and self-interest by its very nature undermines devotion to others. What will make a woman happy? If it’s being with her children, then she should do it. If it’s being an executive, then she should do that. There is no room in this equation for true womanliness, which is a surrender to what is good and highest in others. A woman does not lose, but gains power by this devotion.

Your successes in your career even now come at a price. They keep you from preparing for your role as mother, wife and homemaker. The rewards of these womanly tasks are much more diffuse and subtle than the clearly-mapped accomplishments and goals of professional work. To go from one to the other is a radical change, similar to moving from one country to another. The culture of home is entirely different from the culture of office. Many women are frightened by the difference. A woman at home spends more time alone and in silence. She confronts reality and thus is more subject to the temptation of discouragement. That’s because the last thing Satan wants is for her to succeed at this holy and exalted task. He wants everyone to be with the crowd, where it is not easy to hear the humble voice of God, who never seeks to persuade by noise and activity.

On the second question, you write:

A very common occurence was to ask Dad for something because he is the easier parent and would be more apt to say yes. I concluded that your writing seems to leave no room for family situations that differ from the traditionalist ideal, no matter how healthy or not they may be, and that my mother’s position would be seen as presumptuous and ineffectual because it is not the mother’s job to be both parents.

Think of the father as king and the mother as prime minister. To say the father is the head of the family is not to say the mother has no authority of her own. The prime minister deals with many of the day-to-day affairs of government and the king (not the purely ceremonial king, but a king in the antique sense) has ultimate authority and decides, with the prime minister’s advice, on the most important matters. It is wrong for a husband to undermine a mother’s authority over her children. She typically spends more time with them and is  often, though not always, prepared to make decisions as to what is or is not allowed. This is normal and healthy. The father is important for discipline too, but it is common to have this division of labor. Women may sometimes be tougher disciplinarians. They know what happens on a day-to-day basis if they are not firm. This is the case with me, and my children have always come to me  for permission to do things.

Authority in a family is not like authority in business or a government. A man is not head of a family, and a woman is not in charge of her children, in the way an employer is boss over his employees. In the family, commands are couched in consideration and tenderness. Every act of authority occurs in the context of love so the comparison with other spheres of life is always inadequate.

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