Seeking Validation
June 30, 2011
AN ANONYMOUS reader wrote this to Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax:
I hope this doesn’t sound too pathetic. My wife asked me what I wanted for Father’s Day this year; I said, “sex.” I figured it would be free and not too much trouble. Well, it’s been almost two weeks and I still haven’t gotten my “present.” Worse, she doesn’t really seem to care; no apologies, or, “I’ll make it up to you,” or anything. We are in our mid-40s and have been married 12 years. Am I wrong to be disappointed? I guess I’m just looking for validation for how bummed I am about this.
New Mexico
Are husbands such as this, men who are unhappy in this way and who do almost nothing about it, a recent phenomenon? This man asked his wife for something nicely. He didn’t get it. Why wasn’t he persistent, especially after Father’s Day passed? Have men become so afraid of their wives that they can’t ask – and ask again – for something so basic and important?
If a husband is not reasonably satisfied in this way, he should do the following:
1. Make sure his wife is not exhausted.
2. Tell his wife he is frustrated and that it’s a major problem. He has every right to frequent physical intimacy even when babies are in the house. Tell her again. She may be simply unaware.
3. Spend time conversing with his wife.
4. Tell her again about this problem.
5. Finally, if all else fails, lead an essentially separate life, making symbolic gestures of detachment while continuing to live with his wife and seeking compensatory pleasures that do not involve physical intimacy with another woman.
No spouse – man or woman – should tolerate lack of affection without first doing all he can, with kindness and consideration, to change it.
