JEREMY writes:

I recently read several posts and commentary about sexual harmony in marriage on your website and I thought that my experiences might provide some insights.

My wife and I are in our late twenties and have been married for nearly five years. We married as virgins after dating for about five years (most of that at long distance while she finished a college
degree). Unfortunately, my wife turned out to have medical difficulties that caused sexual intercourse to be extremely painful to her. Because of this, although we have shared lesser intimacies, we
have still not fully consummated our marriage, and this has caused serious stress and conflict between us.

However, the distress which I have felt has changed significantly in character, from the first two years of our marriage when I felt so unloved that I seriously considered an annulment, to now, where while I am not satisfied with our sexual life, I am nevertheless deeply in love with my wife. The change is largely due to the way in which my wife and I dealt with the problem.

In the beginning, I did not understand that her pain was unusual. I had heard that virgins often found intercourse painful, assumed that it would go away soon, and was frustrated that she always stopped us in the middle of things. She responded by trying to avoid any sort of interaction with me that might lead to intercourse: she stopped talking to me, turned her head away when I tried to kiss her, and grimaced if I touched her in bed. After about a year and a half, I finally sat down with her and asked if she still loved me; that I had felt closer to her when we lived a thousand miles away but talked every day that when we lived in the same house but barely spoke a word to each other. She told me that she had been dreading that I would leave her or have an affair.

We talked for some time, and realized that we both still loved each other. So we decided that we should share the little affections, and talk, and enjoy as much intimacy as we could, and that she should see a doctor. The doctors have been helping, and hopefully it will soon come to the point where we can enjoy full marital union. More importantly, now we talk with each other, and show affection, and know that we both love each other.

I think what my experience has made clear to me is that what men need isn’t just sex but love. And that a husband or wife who refuses to show their love for their spouse is neglecting them just as much as a wife withholding sex from their husband.

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