KAREN I. writes:

What is one to do when husband does not want to take authority? Men these days have been conditioned to not do anything that may appear like they are trying to have authority over their wives. I could name many examples, but one recent conversation I had with a neighbor sums it up well. She was homeschooling her children, and was asking what I thought of our local public schools because she was considering placing the children in them. I asked what her husband thought of the idea. She said told me “he did not care either way” and he would agree to whatever her decision was. I know her husband and I know she is right. 

I run into the same sort of thing with my husband sometimes when it comes to major decisions. How can a wife submit to a man who does not want to have authority? It is impossible. I think many women would be happy if their husbands would behave like the authority figures they are supposed to be and stop leaving it to their wives to make major decisions alone. Leaving the decisions to the wife seems like a way for the men to avoid taking responsibility, really.

Laura writes:

The ideal of male authority does not mean all decisions are made by men. 

Women are often more suited to making decisions regarding education of children. Not always, but in many cases they are. Since they usually manage day-to-day matters of home and child-rearing, this involves many decisions, some of them very onerous. A woman who feels burdened by this and wants her husband to be more involved should patiently cultivate his interest. She should not overwhelm him with her own initiative or managerial efficiency. She should express frustration only when she is not angry. If all this fails then there is nothing more she can do. She should trust her own decisions and try to resist second-guessing herself.

Focus on the good and concentrate on your own actions. A spouse is like the weather. We don’t think of changing the weather. We adapt to it. Resist the idea that you can change anything but yourself and what you do.

                                                 — Comments —

Lisa writes:

“I wish my husband would be the family leader,” I confided to an older friend fifteen years ago. She wisely answered, “We do not have to wish: our husbands ARE the leaders, whether they are leading as we would wish or not.” Consider him the leader, and plan and act the best you know in agreement with his wishes, or what you think they would be, if he is reluctant to express them.

Relaxing in this fact did take away much of my unrest and nebulous expectations.

Strong Man writes:

I think your response is spot-on. Although I believe a man should care about this issue, the wife asked a question specifically about the children, which is supposed to be her area of expertise because she probably spends much more time with them and should understand them better.

I believe a wife does have some influence in this area by respecting and praising the times he does make decisions, asking for his input on a variety of issues, telling the children she’ll have to consult with her husband about certain issues, perhaps even asking him. Separate from the time when an actual issue is at stake, she can also specifically tell him she’d like him to be the leader in her household and describe exactly what that means to her.

But, at the same time, I support your counsel to resist the idea that you can change another person, that you need to focus on changing yourself.

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