ADVICE COLUMNISTS are shills for the feminist-dominated psychotherapy industry. No matter what a reader’s problem is they invariably recommend professional therapy. Here is a columnist who tells a man who has sex with his wife as little as once every six months that he should get counseling for himself. This man is supposed to crawl in a state of incapacitating starvation to a therapist’s office, shell over $100 bucks a week and sit for hours considering what he is doing wrong.

Here is my advice to this man.

One, get his wife to quit her job.

Two, if this does not work, inform her that they are now embarking on a period of marital separation. They will live in the same house, but not share the same bed and he will not be obligated to perform any chores she asks of him or fulfill social obligations. They will stay married, but as far as he is concerned their marriage is emotionally over. He will not have an extramarital affair but he will live his own life and find compensating, non-carnal pleasures until she is sympathetic to his desires for intimacy and children.

Most people don’t want to take the time to solve their marital problems. They’d rather complain and avoid problems. They want everything to be easy when nothing is.

                                                  — Comments —

Karen I. writes:

The husband should also insist his wife see a doctor as soon as possible. It is not unheard of for things like thyroid disease to develop after delivery of a baby and something like that could account for his wife’s problems. If a medical issue is ruled out, then the plan you suggest would be appropriate, but not before that.

Laura writes:

Yes, good point.

A reader writes:

This story reminds me of my own marriage. I suspect I suffer from some sort of sexual aversion disorder. My sex drive is healthy (I am in my late 20s) but I do not look forward to sexual relations with my husband. In fact, I often dread it.

We have a long history together: married for six years and dated on-and-off for about five years before that. He was the first man I slept with and I was not ready. I was 16, and I loved him, but I wanted to wait. He didn’t. I caved to the pressure. The result was not enjoyable. At all.

Looking back on our relationship, I realize that I often felt pressured when it came to anything sexual between us. First base… Second base… Third base… Pressure. Trying something new… Pressure. And often it was accompanied with physical discomfort, not to mention feeling dirty.

I have an anxiety disorder that hit a dangerous peak when I learned that my husband had cheated on me (“just once”) with a family friend during my second pregnancy a few years ago. He confessed two days prior to my induction.

And I chose to stay and work it out, mainly for the sake of our children. But I asked that he not pressure me to have sex. Besides, after a vaginal delivery (and I tore) doctors recommend waiting six weeks. My husband didn’t wait five before the pressure started…and I gave in.

On top of all this, my husband has gained a tremendous amount of weight since our engagement. It devastates me. I stay home to raise our two children, and I cook dinner and I don’t buy junk food or soda. I don’t prepare anything for him that I don’t also feed myself and our children, and yet he is obese and I and the children are of normal weight. His job is mentally strenuous but physically sedentary. And he works a lot. I know that plays an important part.

I tried packing him lunches for a while. He would forget to take it, or he’d leave it in the car, or he would only eat some of it and then purchase food elsewhere (he forgets to take the receipts out of his pockets and I do all the laundry). He eats large portions, drinks soda, makes poor food choices, and does not exercise regularly.

I refuse to play “mommy” to him. I do not nag.

But I resent him. I know it. I resent the fact that he pressures me to have sex when I do not want to, and the reason I do not want to is twofold: I am not physically attracted to him anymore, and I feel like he doesn’t care about my sexual needs because he pressures me to have sex despite the fact that he is obese and I am not.

We have had conversations about this before. I tend to beat around the bush because I do not want to be cruel or needlessly hurtful. But I have been very honest with him on several occasions. He knows I would like him to lose weight. And he will get on a healthy diet/exercise kick for maybe two weeks… And then gain everything back.

I try to be supportive.

But now I just wait to go to bed until I know he is in a deep sleep. I also sleep as close to the edge of the bed as possible so as not to inadvertently encourage his advances in the morning. It doesn’t always work. I typically give in to his desires in some fashion so that he is not “starving” or feeling “neglected.” But every time I do anything sexual out of a sense of obligation, my aversion to sex seems to get worse.

I have spoken with the wife of our Bible study group leader. She advises me to pray. And I try to.

I submitted a prayer request to my church elders for my marriage. The wife of one elder contacted me. I could not speak to her about the problem. Her husband is very overweight too, and I did not want to offend her. Many couples in my church struggle with their weight.

I feel stuck, Mrs. Wood. I feel that talking to my husband, yet again, ultimately will be futile and may even be counter-productive. And I feel guilty if I deny his sexual needs. But when I meet his needs according to what and when he wants, I hate sex a little more and resent him for the position I am in.

What should I do?

Laura writes:

A few things leap out at me in reading your story that I would very much like to say.

I am in the middle of some chores, but will respond in the next few hours.

Laura writes:

It’s not unusual for a woman to go through brief periods of low desire. It is rare that it lasts for very long, but it’s perfectly normal for it to happen now and then. Typically, low libido is not a result of anything a husband is doing wrong. So it’s important not to personalize it. Yes, your husband is obese and that seems a handy explanation for why you have an aversion to him. But the truth is, he’s still a sexually vital man who desires you and so everything you need to desire him is already there. And he might be a stud and you’d feel the same way.

Until you get over this phase, you need to act the part of an enthused wife. It’s absolutely your duty. I am sure he picks up on your indifference and it’s very possible this rejection has contributed to his obesity. Your rejection of him threatens to undermine your whole family’s happiness and welfare.  (I know you realize this because you have asked for prayers.) Sex is not love and love is not sex. Sex is one way to express love. But it’s a very important expression of love, especially for a man. Most men are not going to articulate their disappointments or feelings in the face of this kind of rejection.

I strongly question your statement that when you have sex with him, it only increases your aversion to him. I would feel surprised if you felt no pleasant after effects of embracing him. You feel no calm or pleasant feeling at all after being in his arms? Well then, bear in mind that someday you will be old. You will be desired by no man on earth except possibly by him. You will have sagging breasts and mottled skin. Enjoy the fact that you are desired because it will not last. If your husband experiences health problems, he will probably not be able to function in the same way and you may spend decades missing what you once had. This phase of your life is very brief in the sweep of things. Enjoy what you have.

I don’t know what your age is, but if you are still fertile, I hope you are open to more children. When a woman closes herself off to motherhood, even if she already has children and is working hard to care for them, this can have a pervasive effect on her psyche, causing depression and joylessness. An openness to life is so bound up with other parts of our personalities and we couldn’t possibly disentangle them all. If you are still fertile, I hope you will not listen to all those people and news stories that tell you that you can’t possibly afford more children. You can afford them. And your children will be glad someday that you gave them more siblings. They can withstand some neglect while you rebuild your relationship with your husband and while you devote time to more babies.

I can guarantee you one thing. If you will yourself to love your husband, and to love him properly, your feelings for him will be restored to a more normal level. Marital love doesn’t just involve the feelings. The will is essential.

As for your comments about your past history with your husband, and the pressure he put on you, forgive and forget. You agreed to those things too. That time is over. It’s true that these thoughts of yours may be the after-effect of sins, and you both may need to ask for forgiveness, from God and not from each other. Having done that, if you do turn your thoughts to the past, seek what was good in it, just as you would seek the right path through the woods if you were lost. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage and will enter into your thinking, and try to point you in the wrong direction. However, if these things haunt you, then I would sit and talk with your husband and say, “You know, sometimes I think that you didn’t really love me when we were first involved,” and see what he says.

And regarding his excess weight, I don’t think there’s much chance that he will lose weight if he feels you reject him. You know the psychology of that. But c’mon, he’s man. He has a deep voice and bristly skin and strength and that miraculous anatomy. There is much to love in a fat man. If you feel hounded by resentment because he is fat, you could say to him someday, not in anger, “You know, sometimes I think if you loved me you would lose weight,” and see what he says.

I entirely disagree that it is not your job to nag him. You should nag him, but lovingly. Most men are negligent of their health and it’s a wife’s responsibility to help a husband take care of himself. Nagging is a lot of work, but you could start with tenderly trying to get him to give up all soda. Just keep bugging him about it, tenderly and affectionately. Eventually the message will get across. Then proceed to correcting the other eating problems. I know that you can’t do it for him, and ultimately he has to want to lose weight and needs to seek God’s help to lose weight, but you can help him.

But don’t start nagging him until you loosen up and remember the man you love. He’s there. I assure you, without a shadow of a doubt, that if you love him, you will experience pleasure with him again.

Laura adds:

I just wanted to clarify one thing.

It’s not wrong of you to complain (to yourself or anonymously here) that your husband is obese. I don’t mean to suggest that you should like his being fat.

You are perfectly right to be repelled by his imperfections and there is no need for you to like his imperfections. They are of a piece with all of nature, which has the air, as C.S. Lewis said, of something spoiled. Fortunately, the Book of Job, once and for all time, dispensed with the idea that God is offended by our being offended by what is spoiled. Turn from his imperfections inwardly. Love all that remains that is good, and turn your gaze as often as possible to the perfection of God.

The reader writes:

Thank you for your thoughtful response, Mrs. Wood. Nearly everything you have told me I have told myself at one time or another.

I even tried to figure out if it would be possible to like obesity. For me, it is not.

But you are right–the obesity is not the primary problem although I am physically repelled by the appearance and all the extra hygiene issues that come with it. (I also worry about his health and his poor family health history.)

It is how I interpret that obesity that is the primary issue–a manifestation of his sexual selfishness. And I do not feel calm in his arms. Because the pattern of pressure and all physical affection being a prelude to sex, I become anxious even when he is just being affectionate. I actually tense up and my muscles will twitch. I can’t control it very well.

It is difficult to forget the past when those patterns continue. I admit, I feel objectified. Just to compound the problem, he urges me to dress far less modestly than what I am comfortable with. Sometimes I feel like the proverbial trophy wife. And I don’t enjoy it.

We are considering adoption. My husband only wanted one child but I became pregnant with our second child right before he scheduled his vasectomy. The surgery was his choice–I did not want to take birth control or get my tubes tied, and he didn’t want more children.

Thank you again, and I will take your advice as best I can. I will have to work on the loving way to nag. :)

Laura writes:

My husband only wanted one child but I became pregnant with our second child right before he scheduled his vasectomy. The surgery was his choice–I did not want to take birth control or get my tubes tied, and he didn’t want more children.

Ah, okay. That sheds much more light, in my opinion, on what has happened to your intimacy and to his character.

Larry B. writes:

Having read the exhausted Reader’s comment, and your earnest reply, I find myself disagreeing with your counsel, Mrs. Wood. That being said, I am also totally unable to offer any alternative advice.

It sounds to me like Reader’s husband has done plenty wrong. He seems to have lost control of and care for his physical appearance, and he is apparently refusing to change his behavior for either his wife’s or his own sake. This leads to the next failing, namely that he take’s his wife’s affections and intimacies for granted. One could better argue his entitlement if he were a good, virtuous, caring, and virile husband. Sadly, none of these seem to be the case (going only on one testimony, of course). I don’t think it’s so eminently the case, at least, that everything Reader needs to desire him is in place by virtue of his attraction to her. That implies, to an extent, that any woman who receives overtures or importunities from a man will or should be likewise attracted. There is so much involved in a healthy marriage, and while I can’t speak to Reader’s husband’s fathering, it sounds like he is failing in many respects, other than perhaps his ability to financially provide. He may have a marital right to his wife’s affections, but such a right cannot be unconditional. He has to bring something to the table as well, so to speak. I guess it’s possible that Reader wouldn’t be attracted to him even if he were a stud, but I think it is more likely that she would be attracted to the irresponsible stud than the semi-irresponsible sloth.

I also have to recommend against any part of acting enthused by Reader. Such a deception will eventually surface and only further damage her relationship with her husband. It is certainly possible that her past problems with affection and intimacy are impeding her libido, but couldn’t that just as well spur the husband on to making himself more attractive too?

We should also remember that Reader’s husband has cheated already, while she was pregnant no less. I feel no hesitance is branding such behavior despicable, and it is unfortunate that this additional pressure is probably causing Reader indulge her husband’s selfish sexuality, lest he look elsewhere. So, that being said, I don’t know that you can say this husband won’t articulate his feelings of disappointment Mrs. Wood (2nd paragraph), because he spoke through his unfaithful actions. This is also aside from his selfishness in demanding sex 5 weeks after delivery. It is bad enough that he cheated, but he didn’t even respect his wife’s health or comfort. I would not consider a wife’s dutiful response to such inconsideration to be acquiescent sex, but rather a stern rebuke.

I do appreciate your point about the impending physical desolation of being elderly, though I am also not surprised that Reader feels more and more repulsed be her husband after intercourse. She is already in a fragile state, and obesity really can be terrifically unattractive; the noise, smell, and lack of intimate reciprocation that is often entailed with an obese partner are hard to sympathize with, barring personal experience. Still, that is all suppositional on my part, and since we will, as you say, be fat and wrinkly soon enough, as well as impotent, Reader would do well indeed to heed your cautions about any sexual hiatus.

Your point about the will is marriage is also very important. However, if I were to put myself in Reader’s position, and if I tried to will an attraction to this husband, it would be difficult, given his behavior. Furthermore, thinking of past joys and experiences might only increase current resentments. Trying to follow will over instinct or emotion must be, I can only imagine, exceedingly difficult given the circumstances. I appreciated your continued counsel on this matter, and can only add that she might also query, “Did you love me when you cheated on me while I carried our child.” That is something harder to forgive and forget, and the husband owes his apologies not just to his wife, but also to his children.

I additionally appreciate the license you’ve given we man folk to become fat and bristly, but I also respect my wife’s appreciation for me not becoming a bear before I’ve reached the due age. (I would also like to add, though not submit to the public, that a man who becomes fat may still retain a high voice and blotchy, pale skin. Additionally, the odors of premature obesity and the other blemishes it accentuates such as shrunken genitalia should perhaps be more seriously taken into account. In short, there is a big difference between a 35-year-old man with young children who should not yet be obese, and a properly grizzled 58-year-old man who’ll have the proper weather-beaten ensemble, not to mention respect for his wife, when he reaches the anticipated plump).

I think it is essential that husband and wife love and give to each other equally to share in the sweet pleasures of matrimony, and Reader’s love is appropriately reserved until her husband is again bringing his manliness, defined as it is by sacrifice, service, and responsibility, to the marital bed.

In the mean time, I can only say that maybe she would better benefit from your advice to the neglected husband that was mentioned in an earlier post. She should break off marital affection until her husband can again meet her as a man and an equal in consummation.

Laura writes:

You make many good points.

By the way, when I wrote my answer, I forgot that she had said he had cheated on her.

Given that 1) he has been unfaithful, 2) he entered the marriage on entirely false premises by wanting only one child in advance, 3) he has gotten a vasectomy, 4) he has ignored his wife’s concerns about his health and her obvious revulsion toward his appearance and weight, 5) he asks her to dress immodestly and has pressured her to do things she did not want to do, then Larry B.’s conclusion is entirely reasonable and is probably the right thing to do.

This husband has done everything short of having a full-time affair to undermine the spirit of marital intimacy and to make himself unappealing to his wife. I don’t feel sorry for him and I think, as more information has come out, my initial advice was off-base.

Larry B. writes:

I also have to recommend against any part of acting enthused by Reader. Such a deception will eventually surface and only further damage her relationship with her husband. It is certainly possible that her past problems with affection and intimacy are impeding her libido, but couldn’t that just as well spur the husband on to making himself more attractive too?

Yes, a good point. There’s too much going on here than simply a brief loss of libido on her part for her to act the part.

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