.

MARIA writes:

I feel there are parallels between the situation of your reader who no longer finds her husband desirable and my own. I am also in my late twenties and married five years.

My husband, two months after our second child was born, confessed to twice, on separate occasions while I was visiting relatives, arranging a rendezvous with someone else. (Once he kept his engagement, but left upon arrival; the second time he never went.) I forgave him immediately, but it took a long time for me to trust him again. I felt horrible doing it, especially since I had forgiven him, but I “checked” his email for months. I knew he knew and I’m thankful he was patient and understood that he needed to gain my trust again, and never said anything to me about it.

Both my husband and I have little self-control, and although we married virgins, I can’t say we weren’t guilty of fornication. My husband ruefully says we “fell” across the finish line. Well before the Reader’s husband was unfaithful in marriage, he seduced her (and she acquiesced). This sin is what has set the pattern for the rest of their relationship (that was an important part of their history, Mrs. Wood, that you left out of your list). Pressure, acquiescence, resentment (perhaps on both sides).

Habitually (and passively) refusing your spouse completely is different from refusing particular painful or unusual demands, or refusing under certain medical or physical circumstances. Before I was married, I too thought I would never refuse my husband, ever, lest he stray. He thought that was pretty funny when I first told him that, and he quickly listed 5-6 situations where I probably should say “no,” even if he pressured me greatly to give in. Because of tearing, I was supposed to wait six weeks after my first child was born, and we made it to five, and that was very hard for my husband to do! He knew rationally what needed to be done (or not done), but every once in a while biology and amor for his wife would take over. But I was very adamant and firm–at least until week five–and he always was happy the next morning that I controlled him when he could not control himself. Sometimes I cried after I rejected him because I knew he was mad at me–what a terrible position for a wife to be in!–but I also knew he wanted the best for me ultimately, even if he couldn’t express it appropriately, or even if he was still mad the next morning!

Sex often is a minute expression for me of everything that was, is and will be in our marriage–the “good old days,” my love for my husband now, and the good times ahead with our children and grandchildren. For him it is intensely present, all now (but no less love). Perhaps this is a difference between the male and female, and so I can see your Reader thinking of all those horrible things her husband pressured her into doing (and she consented to) every time he turns to her. Meanwhile, he has no idea what she’s thinking, and he simply interprets her rejection as a rejection of his whole person–she doesn’t love me and keeps house and cares for our children out of cold obligation, or to make me feel bad. It’s a vicious cycle.

In the last year. I’ve had two strong temptations–lasting only a second–to deny my husband for a long period of time, and although I’m not charismatic and don’t often talk this way, I believe they were from Satan. Even while a spouse’s personal sins, or simply stress, tear away at a marriage Satan uses the wronged spouse’s hurt to tear away even more.

My husband is on his way to being convinced that our particular tradition is not completely true; I do not share his growing conviction. This is devastating to us both. We do not separate sex from procreation, so the babies come about 15-20 months apart. After a particularly emotional argument, it crossed my mind that eventually our marriage would be sexless, since I could not bear to see more children catechized and raised in another tradition, one I do not hold as completely true. My wickedness of course would drive us further apart, and would not be trusting God to protect my family from error, but trusting in my own devices. The second temptation came last week when my husband did not receive communion. When I noticed, I thought he had made his decision. How can I willingly commune with my husband in bed when we no longer commune together at the Lord’s Table? (I hope this does not sound blasphemous and strange to any readers.) But, then again, how could I keep from my husband a great comfort at exactly the time when we feel furthest apart, and need the most comfort from each other?

Although I have only been married five years, and others have much more experience than I do, here’s what I suggest:

1) Go to confession and confess your sins, especially those deeply troubling your conscience or causing you guilt. If your church is not Roman Catholic/Anglican/Lutheran, then meet with your pastor, alone, for counseling. I say this not because you’re to blame, but because real sin may be clouding your judgment or keeping you from articulating this pain most honestly.

2) “I’m glad God spared you for [my husband], even if he [something awful].” My daughter’s godfather spoke those words to me at particularly rough time in my marriage, and I’ve returned to them often. Your husband is still your husband. Divorce, CS Lewis said, is like cutting off part of your body (and we’re not talking about your pinkie).

3) Pray for your husband daily.

4) Read As for Me and My House by Walt Wangerin. I don’t usually recommend self-help/advice books, but this was very helpful, for two reasons. The author suggests there is a third part of a marriage, besides the two spouses–the marriage itself. So husband or wife should not only consider the other person above his own self, but sometimes the marriage even above the other person. So my refusing my husband for a legitimate reason may be not only denying myself, but denying him, too, for the sake of the marriage. Second, he argues persuasively that forgiveness (not communication) is the number one virtue in a marriage, and needs to be practiced and cultivated by the whole household.

5) Start dates again–once a week, or more, if you can. Talk about sex, but outside the bedroom when emotions aren’t raw (maybe over dinner, but when the kids are asleep). Realize it’s going to take a long time to undo all the years of damage.

My husband, although not obese, is on his way to being a diabetic. He knows and tries sometimes to exercise and control his eating habits, but other areas of our life are considerably more pressing right now, and he has those issues completely on his shoulders. He knows he needs to be healthier, I know he knows, I bring it up sometimes and try to make it easier for him, but I don’t nag. I don’t know what “nagging lovingly” means, but I grew up in a family where my mom was very good at nagging, and everyone (husband, children, pets) became really good at ignoring her. That’s another vicious cycle, because everyone involved is trapped in unloving, inconsiderate behavior. I think this is an area where the personalities of both the husband and wife should be considered, and their present situation.

Reader, God bless you for all your hard work raising your babies and running a household! God bless your husband for working so hard to financially support his family, and for seeming to regret his vasectomy and desiring to adopt! I will pray you find some peace and rest from your burdens.

— Comments —

Mary Keane writes:

Your reader in the previous entry and her husband may be interested in a vasectomy reversal. I understand it’s generally successful in restoring fertility, and even if it does not it may go a long way in furthering their spiritual healing. One More Soul provides a directory of doctors offering this. There is also a page on that website with stories from people who reversed their sterilization.

Your reader and her husband may be interested in a vasectomy reversal.
I understand it's generally successful in restoring fertility, and
even if it does not it may go a long way in furthering their spiritual
healing. One More Soul provides a directory of doctors offering this
procedure:  http://onemoresoul.com/nfp_by_spec/Sterilization_Reversals_for_Men.
 There is also a page on that website with stories from people who
reversed their sterilization

Your reader and her husband may be interested in a vasectomy reversal.
I understand it's generally successful in restoring fertility, and
even if it does not it may go a long way in furthering their spiritual
healing. One More Soul provides a directory of doctors offering this
procedure:  http://onemoresoul.com/nfp_by_spec/Sterilization_Reversals_for_Men.
 There is also a page on that website with stories from people who
reversed their sterilization.

Please follow and like us: