LEANNE writes:

Today, when I showed up for work as a nanny after leaving our daughter with my husband, I felt terribly for the younger of the two children whom I care for. Clearly, this child was not feeling well. Her eyes were red and drooping, she was obviously physically exhausted (from fighting a mild illness) and she just wanted to go back to sleep (she gets up extremely early on the days her mother works.) Her mother (my employer who is a physician) was in a terrible rush; this is one of her urgent days as far as getting to work at a certain time (she does often have flexibility in this area), and she said she had to go immediately, that a patient was waiting on her. I asked how the younger child was feeling, informing her that our daughter is fighting the illness at home and her father took the day off from work to care for her instead of her coming with me. She replied, “Oh, she’s FINE. She might have a little tiny bit of congestion, but you can just give her the _____________ that I have in the medicine cabinet.”

I was stunned, as I always am, when this occurs, because the whole thing just blows my mind. Here we have not one woman’s home, but TWO women’s homes out of order because one woman chooses her career over the immediate needs and care of her own children. Quite frankly, I had to work through my anger (I feel guilty for being this way) on several levels: I discovered that I was angry because I was missing my child, whom I usually bring to work with me and from whom I would be parted until 7 p.m.; I was angry because it appeared that this woman had convinced herself that her child was “FINE”, when in fact, BOTH of her children were not fine. They were lethargic, grumpy, with raw noses and running eyes. The older one almost instantaneously fell asleep in my car after the pickup from school. I was also angry because she left her sick children with me earlier in the week and this seems thoughtless and irresponsible. I did not sign up for that when I accepted this “job.” Further, I had to fight off anger toward my husband for not insisting that I be the one to “call in sick” to this job today to take care of our daughter at home, so that HE is free to go to work: he has the propensity to make more money than I do in a day, and he is basically an entrepreneur building a market right now after two years of unemployment and NEEDS to be working more than I do. I refrained from mentioning this to him.

Lastly, I was angry that these precious ones did not have their own mother or even their father to care for them today. I wonder how they will remember these days. The other day, I received a telling statement from the older child, unsolicited. She said, “Miss ___________, when I grow up and work with Mommy, you will watch my children. They will need their Mommy for awhile, but then you can watch them.” Wow. This little girl thinks this is what motherhood is all about; of COURSE she wants to be like her own Mommy, but she believes in her young mind that I will just always be there as the go-to gal to take care of it all. Wow. I am beginning to believe that what I am doing is no longer inherently good, but rather a sort of enabling. An enabling of feminism.

In any event, when speaking via phone with my husband later in the morning while the younger child was sleeping, I expressed some of my frustration and sadness about this situation to him. He was having a wonderful time with our daughter, and so that gave me relief. He said, “Without getting yourself into a state of lamentation over the whole thing, you just have to let your own life and actions speak to her.” When I asked him what he meant, he asked if I had shared with my employer that he had stayed home from work today to take care of our sick child. I told him I had shared this with her. He said to “let that speak for itself.” Perhaps he is correct. In my mind’s eye, all I am saying to her is that I, too, am placing my “job” ahead of my child by even being at work for her today, but that is not entirely true. My husband pointed out that one of our child’s PARENTS is at home with her, making a choice to sacrifice financially, while still allowing my employer to attend to her patient today. I am trying to trust my husband’s judgment.

What are your thoughts?

Laura writes:

I agree with your husband completely.  You should conquer your anger.  It suggests a lack of  humility.

First, this was no time to criticize your employer. Regardless of whether her choices in life have been good, she now has serious responsibilities as a physician and surely could not stay home easily at the last minute. She should be much more sensitive to her children, and your child, when they are sick (how ironic that she is a physician) and have some kind of backup plan, perhaps a second babysitter who could come earlier and wouldn’t have to bring her own child. Such are the immense complications of this way of life she has chosen. But it is better for her to face these complications than avoid them. Perhaps you could have expressed some solution however imperfect to this problem rather than anger.

No, I don’t think you are an enabler of feminism. You are doing the best you can. You are trying to keep things afloat in your family until your husband can support you. Even if he never could support you, the important thing is what you are striving for and what values you uphold and are willing to fight for. Your husband is very wise. These values will be apparent in the way you live and the kind of person you are. There is no need to force them on others. They speak for themselves.

Remember, many women have never been exposed to other standards or encouraged to think any other way. This is why you have an immense responsibility. You are a custodian of these precious values, this beautiful inheritance. Perhaps sometime the woman who employs you might solicit your advice. Only then would it be right for you to openly talk about these things with humility and consideration for her whole mental outlook. In the meantime, you have been hired to support her and it is your responsibility to serve in this role even when she is a less than perfect employer. I know this is difficult. For every moment of justified petulance you manage to suppress, reward yourself with some minor gratification or a moment of well-deserved peace.

                                                       — Comments —

Paula Blanchard writes:

I am in this same position every day. I am a stay-at-home mom of 5 kids, but I also operate a licensed home childcare to help out financially. My job is to comfort sick children and children brought through bad weather and dumped on my sofa at the crack of dawn while their parents go to work. In the past 2 years I’ve had to report child abuse, domestic violence (mom dropped the kids off with a black eye), divorce, affairs, multiple boyfriends and late pick-ups so the parents could meet their co-workers after work. Half the time the kids have no idea if they are going to moms house or dads house or if the boyfriend or grandma might pick them up. Many times, the kids don’t want to go home with mom and ask if they could just spend the night so they don’t have to get up early the next day. I get the “firsts” – crawling, walking, talking etc. And do I dare mention the late payments for services rendered? But I love those kids and they need me so I will keep doing it. Plus my own enjoy having lots of “littles” around. Hello, my name is Paula and I am an Enabler.

Karen I. writes:

I hope Leanne understands how important she is to the children she watches. Children are very perceptive and the little ones Leanne watches likely have picked up on her attitude, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. They probably know on some level Leanne disapproves of their mother and that she would rather be with her own child. If Leann is truly concerned about them, she should consider that she can be a bright spot in their lives by caring for them as well as she can with a kind heart and a good attitude. They would never forget that. Leanne may be the only mother they will ever be exposed to who wants to be home with her children, and who is willing to sacrifice to stay home with them. She cannot change the attitude of the physician, but she certainly can help shape the attitudes of the children she cares for by her example, and that could lead to them making different choices for themselves than their mother made for herself. 

Judging the physician will only lead to problems and perhaps to being fired, along with the loss of what could be a good reference. It is still not a good economy to be looking for work, and this job seems to fit in as well as any job can with Leanne’s plans for her family. If Leanne loses her job, she may find she needs to take another that is not receptive to her taking her child along (few are), and her own child would then be at higher risk of having to be placed in outside care. It is not easy to refrain from judging sometimes, but the best thing to do is to simply pray for the physician, her family and her patients, who may not be getting the best of care as she is probably very tired. I would advise Leanne to focus on what she can change and do and leave the rest to God. 

I learned the hard way that when my own children are sick, it is best to just focus on getting through the day and not the big stuff. It is just too easy to get upset about things when you are tired and worried about your children, and Leanne has the added burden of other sick children in her care. All of that can be exhausting. It would probably be a good idea for Leanne to take a step back and just focus on the moment, rather than thinking about everything that is bothering her. She will likely find that when the children she cares for and her own child are feeling better, her outlook is much better.

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