ACADEMICS setting up interdisciplinary programs in pizza studies would be well advised to add child psychology to the mix. A story in The Daily Mail confirms my long-held suspicion that juvenile delinquency is related to pizza consumption. A pizzeria in Georgia has posted a notice on its menu telling parents to take misbehaving children outside. The notice was prompted by numerous instances of unruliness by juvenile patrons. One child threw a toy at a customer’s head.

The restaurant is on to something. These children were probably in the advanced stages of pizza dementia, which is caused by consuming pizza more than five times a week. The extremely dangerous condition may also be caused by eating pizza in more than three forms, such as cheesey-gooey pizza toppers or double-crusted pizza frisbees, over the course of several days. The bloodstream can handle only so many fake-mozzarella enzymes before it sends disturbing messages to the developing brain.

Nothing short of drastic measures will correct the resulting behavioral disorder. These parents should not just take their uncontrollable offspring outside, they should put them in pizza detox immediately.

— Comments—

Thomas F. Bertonneau writes:

We should coin a few terms to get the discourse started: Pizzaphrenia; pathomozarellia; and xenotopomania (the insatiable neurotic desire for exotic toppings).

Laura writes:

There is a whole array of relevant psychological pathologies, including Post Traumatic Pepperoni Disorder and Papa John’s Syndrome. Some of these disorders come with identical psychotic symptoms, such as the delusion that pizzas are falling from the sky.

Sage McLaughlin writes:

It seems the media is catching on.

Laura writes:

We have posted those findings of the Domino’s Pizza Institute before, but they are well worth contemplating again.

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