SARAH S. writes:

I am puzzled by the apparent truth in what some housewives of my acquaintance claim — that their husbands want to help them with the laundry, the dish washing, the folding of clothes, sweeping and mopping, etc. when they arrive home from work. I say this is apparently true, because these men do participate in housework on a daily basis. Why on earth would they do that if they didn’t want to? My husband, on the other hand, wants to come home to a tidy house, a decent meal, and children who are pleasant to be around. Not that he complains if things have gotten messy, but a peaceful home is understandably his preference. Occasionally he will volunteer to wash the dishes, and I know that is a communication of his love for me as it strikes him as tedious and somewhat disgusting. Anyway, he certainly doesn’t want to come home and do chores. How do you explain the difference? Has it got to do with temperament, or how these men were raised? Perhaps you have addressed this subject before and could point me in that direction.

Laura writes:

Here is my theory. You husband has been living in a cave for the last 30 years. He has had no exposure to the barrage of studies and articles about how husbands don’t do enough in the home. These other husbands realize they have to make up for centuries of oppression.

There’s nothing wrong with husbands helping out, especially when children are very young and are not able to do chores, but I think many women are so unprepared for running a home (or have one foot out the door doing some kind of “part-time” work) that they need this help more than they should.

My husband has done lots of dishes whereas my father rarely did any once his children were past infancy (and before he became elderly.) But then my parents had more children to help. We did chores everyday as children and my mother rarely cleaned up the kitchen or peeled potatoes or folded laundry.

It is important for a man to relax when he gets home. On the other hand, a man who never chips in is selfish. Perhaps these other men can’t relax even if they want to. While hard work and some amount of tension are normal aspects of domestic life, the confounding of sex roles and the loss of a clear division of labor makes it so there is no time off for anyone.

                                — Comments —

Sarah F. writes:

I have always believed in the division-of-labor rule. A homemaker’s job is to manage the home and care for the children while the husband provides the income. To me, it makes perfect sense for a homemaker to take on the full responsibility and work of maintaining the home. Why would she expect her husband to come home after a long day of work to continue working at home? I believe a loving man will help with things around the home, but that’s not his primary job. For me it’s not even a sex role issue. It’s division of labor. It’s a system that works because the efforts of running a family and providing financially are divided between a husband and wife. Being a homemaker is as much of a job as being an accountant. If every one does their own part well then life is more enjoyable for all. Feminists like to assault the job of the homemaker as drudgery, but the housewife is more than a cog in the machine of running a family. It’s not always fun, but it is important work. Practically, it wears a person out to have to work at a job AND run the home.

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