SOPHIA writes:

As a young woman with traditionalist values, I am finding things difficult. I am enrolled in college and find it more disagreeable and unfulfilling with each leftist professor and aimless course. I have found a select few schools that offer compelling curriculum, such as Thomas Moore College of Liberal Arts and St. John’s College, but their accumulative tuition and board costs surpass my available funds, and I am not willing to go into debt. Thus, I seem to be stuck getting this “education” and for what purpose I’m without a clue. I feel I am merely going with society’s flow and look to the future with vague, idealist dreams and simplistic trust in God.

Please pardon me if I sound irreverent, but this past year I have fallen into frequent bouts of depression over my heart’s yearning — to be a housewife. For a number of reasons I believe this will never happen: (1) my worldview is of the extreme minority, (2) I have extraordinarily high standards, and (3) I also have invincibly low self-esteem. Detail is unnecessary; I only request that you trust what I say.

With the issues of my muddled future plaguing me, a number of questions come to mind.

Given my circumstances and having discerned my vocation is not to be that of a nun, why has God allowed such a deep longing in my body and spirit for children? For a large family and a Christ-like husband to lead me? (As I write these words, a cloud of despair overshadows me.)

I remain willing to embrace the celibate life, for it seems inevitable. My next worries in this thought process have to do with how I will get by on my own. As my anti-feminist beliefs have only recently been substantially forming, I find myself still confused as to what single women not entering the convent ought to do. Soon after finishing high school, all my previous career aspirations utterly left me, and ever since I have grown only repulsed by the idea. (Now people wonder if I am in college to find a husband!)

Before gender roles became blurred and women entered the work force, what did those without husbands do to provide for themselves? Please excuse my ignorance. I imagine them having lived at home, but for me this is not an option and seems especially strange in modern times. I have procured a few solutions for making an income though unsure as to how realistic they are. Nonetheless, what do you think a woman is to do in my situation? Please offer any advice that comes to mind about anything I have written.

Laura writes:

Your comments remind me of these words by St. John Vianney:

I may go from here to the other end of the world, from one country to another, from riches to greater riches, from pleasure, and still I shall not be content. All of the world cannot satisfy the immortal soul. It would be like trying to satisfy a starving person with a grain of corn.

It is good when we set our hearts, our imperfect hearts on loving you, my God. We are made for charity: that is why we are so prone to love. But we are such that nothing in this world can satisfy us. Only when we turn to God can we be contented.

As long as you orient your heart toward the sun, you have all that you need.

Here are a few thoughts. First, you are much too young to come to any conclusions about lifelong celibacy. Much too young.

And, you don’t need a career to make a basic living and support yourself. If you have to support yourself, go about it with minimal effort, finishing college if you can without going into debt, not wasting time looking for salvation through the perfect career, and getting some basic job so you can continue to prepare yourself in various ways for marriage and children. Consider being a nanny or a job working with the old. Spend lots of time looking for a husband and ask God for discernment because you can’t possibly judge on your own and know whether your standards are too high.

If by the time you are 30 or so, you are still not married perhaps then you can take some steps toward some other kind of life’s work or career. You will have plenty of time to make a change. You have plenty of time to try different things. Don’t expect to resolve your whole life at once.

If you are feeling depressed because of your desires for your future, you should first realize that these feelings of despair come from the devil, who sends his hideous minions into your interior castle. He wants to overcome you and make you despair. He can’t make you a thief or a murderer or even a nasty person. But he can score a victory by making you depressed and hopeless.

Secondly, you should mortify these desires by prayer, meditation and small acts of self-denial. Let’s say you never have what you want. Let’s say you never marry or have children, in which case you will never have the responsibilities and heartaches that go with them. Do you think you will ever lack for opportunity to engage your heart and mind? As Teresa of Ávila said, “There is an interior world close at hand.” Not only is there always need, practically everywhere, for the tenderness and intelligence of a good woman, you have only to enter that castle and walk through its rooms. The greatest adventures await you on the inside.

We love in proportion to how much we give. Dismiss these negative thoughts from your castle. You are made to give, not to despair.

I would also like to add that even a woman who never marries or has children can support the institutions of marriage and home, by defending these things in the culture war and honoring them in little ways. Some men want to be soldiers, but can’t enter the military. They may still love their country and honor the fighting forces. One of my sisters has never had children but she has expressed her maternal qualities in many ways. The yearnings you have will not be wasted whether you marry or not. However, in all likelihood you will marry, and will be an especially attractive companion for the right man because of your disposition and values. A reader sent me last week a picture of his wife and family. His wife radiated such beautiful and unmistakeable qualities of affection and loyalty. These qualities are deeply attractive to other people, and always will be. And they are their own reward.

—– Comments ——

Sibyl writes:

To Sophia, who wonders what to do when she desires to marry and be a mother, but has no prospects on the horizon:

 You have a beautiful heart, Sophia, and that is the source of all true feminine beauty. If you want my two-cents’ worth, I would recommend not college (staying out of debt is a very good idea) but to find something that you could get trained to do, something that would result in plenty of ways to support yourself. Here are areas that you could consider: nursing, computer repair/programming, dental hygiene, veterinary technician, personal care attendant, paralegal, EMT. [Laura writes: Yes, I think these are good suggestions.] These are mostly jobs that you can go to school for two years or less and come out fully employable, and they are jobs that exist in every community. They don’t pay well, most of them, but they do pay enough for one person to live on frugally. If you are a nurturing person, veterinary science or health care might really be a good fit.

Also, continue to learn and grow intellectually. Most people can gain a very fine education through personal reading; if you are attracted to the classical style of learning that St. John’s offers, see if you can get their syllabi, and begin reading through it, supplementing with books that explain and critique. (For example, read Plato’s dialogues, but also get a book written for a general audience in which you can read summaries and explanations, so that you have some guidance where it gets tricky. The public library may have “Great Lectures” series to borrow, and you can listen to very fine professors teaching on this topic.)

But most important; follow Laura’s advice and realize that your relationship with God is more important than either of the above. Come to know Him, pray, make sure you’re active in your church, and work to allow Him to heal whatever it is that has wounded you so deeply. It is when you are right with Him that your longing will cease to make you bitter. Don’t waste your youth worrying and waiting. Start now to do those things you can, and whenever you begin to think of the future and despairing of ever reaching your goal, turn instantly to our Lord, tell Him you trust Him, put a smile on your face, and reach out to love whomever you possibly can.

I’ll pray for you and your intention tonight. God bless.

Jenny writes:

I have three things to say to Sophia that I hope will be encouraging:

(1) I did not marry until I was thirty. If I’d trusted that God was working things out in His time, I’d have done a lot less fretting during my twenties.

(2) I’ve never been able to have children . . . not because I married late, but for other reasons. I’ll admit, it is a heartache from time to time, but God has been gracious to bring lots of other people into my life (including children) and has provided other ways of “being fruitful.” I feel neither barren nor empty nor alone, nor any of the other cliches people like to heap on childless women. Not saying I wish that for you! Just saying it’s amazing how God comes through for us when we trust him, even if His “answer” comes in a different form than we might wish.

(3) Whether you marry or not, I think you ought to consider writing.

From your comment I see that you have a nice way with words and express your ideas very clearly. Pray about it and see if God might open up a path for you in the direction of writing (which you can, of course, keep

right on doing, even after you marry and bear children.

The world needs more voices like yours (and Laura’s) to champion our point of view.

Joe writes:

Your advice to “Sophia,” college co-ed in search of traditional marriage, is very good indeed.

However, I’d like to add something. She refers to her point of view as being “of the extreme minority.” I’m sure it feels that way, in her college classes; but it might not be true. If it IS true, in her geographic region, relocation might be called for.

I believe she should also take deliberate steps to put herself in the company of like-minded folks. Political activism might help; volunteer for rightward candidates, meet fellow volunteers. Join a gun range; shoot skeet, or trap – or air pistol; it doesn’t matter. Any shooting sport will broaden her circle of conservative acquaintance. (If there is no easily-accessible local gun range, relocate. Not because she needs range time or marksmanship skills so badly, but because, in an area with a critical mass of traditionally-minded men, there WILL be a local gun range.) Look for interest groups which fellow traditionalists might share an interest in; often they’re under the radar at otherwise liberal places like the public library – or the college she’s already attending.

Older, already-married co-religionists are invaluable, for their own circles of acquaintance; hopefully they will refrain from blatantly playing matchmaker, but they can mentor. Sophia didn’t specify her own religion; if she doesn’t have one, or if it’s badly corrupted by feminism, her quest is likely to be harder…not that I suggest conversion for ulterior motives, but if there’s a traditionalist “wing” of her denomination she should begin to get to know people in it. Singing or playing their non-modern music would be a good call.

“Hunt where the ducks are,” Sophia.

Laura writes:

Joe writes:

Join a gun range; shoot skeet, or trap – or air pistol; it doesn’t matter.

Ha! Ha! That’s great. Sophia should go to church — and the shooting range. I never would have thought of that. Where can you get invaluable advice like that other than at The Thinking Housewife?

I think Joe’s point that Sophia may be wrong as to just how few people there are like her is a good one.

Laura writes:

Thank you to Sibyl, Jenny and Joe for the outstanding suggestions and comments.

Jeanette writes:

Might I suggest that a job that has regular hours, which would leave EMT off the table? Another possibility would be Certified Medical Office Assistant and LVN/LPT.

Also the Internet can be used to find your future husband. That is how I met my husband. There are Christian dating sites. The trick is with online dating is learning how to to “read” the e-mail responses one gets. I know when I dated I never met a strange man. I did get some e-mails that were strange however. I also took my Golden Retriever with me on every first date. I know that may sound odd but his reaction told me a lot about the man I was dating

There used to be Christian matchmakers as well but I don’t know if they exist anymore. The Internet can be a wonderful resource if you use it. (I met my husband, found my current home in NC, bought my car and my Golden Doodle all on line).

Laura writes:

It’s only a matter to time before Amazon offers husbands too.

Catherine H. writes:

As always, Mrs. Wood, you write beautifully and wisely. Every point that I would have made as I read this young woman’s letter I saw that you yourself made as I read your answer.

The issue of young women in the modern world today has been often on my mind recently, as my husband and I just had our first baby girl, after three boys. We attend the traditional Mass and are members of a very conservative community. My husband and I have been learning from the example of older parents around us whose daughters are of college age, and have come to some definite conclusions about what we intend for our daughter’s future. Although I attended a conservative Catholic college and my husband matriculated at an Ivy League school, we most likely will not choose either of these options. The debt is unacceptable in both cases, the liberal milieu unavoidable in the latter case. We intend instead to teach our daughter domestic skills and traditional feminine arts, such as sewing, cooking, child care, and music, that can also be used as the basis of a successful small business. We know one young lady in her early twenties who has her own embroidery business; another (her sister) who is a seamstress, and teaches sewing classes as well as making custom clothing; and I have a friend who supports her husband’s income by giving piano lessons. These are all worthy ways to save up money while living at home and continuing to help their parents with the household in whatever small way.

I know not all of this will help the young woman in question (she mentioned that living at home was impossible, for instance.) However, my one unique piece of advice that I believe you did not mention, Mrs. Wood, would be that she seek out a community of like-minded people: ideally, a parish centered around the traditional Mass. There is no better place to seek a husband who shares her mindset. This is so important, I think it would be worth re-locating for. As a secondary option, I would recommend an online Catholic matchmaking site such as Ave Maria Singles (I personally know at least two couples who have met and married through this site).

Finally, regarding this young woman’s despair, I wanted to concur strongly with your own words, Mrs. Wood, that this is the devil seeking to overcome her. In my last year of college (at the ripe old age of twenty-two), I too was lonely and despairing: I thought that, unlike so many of my contemporaries around me (who were getting engaged left and right as they prepared to graduate), I would never find the right husband. I made the unfortunate choice of beginning a relationship with a non-Catholic who had no intention of converting. By God’s grace, however, I found my husband (who embodied everything I wanted and never thought I’d find) and was engaged to him within the same year. We celebrated our 7th anniversary the day before yesterday. I have always wished that I had been more content, more trusting in God, and just waited for the good He intended to give me, instead of grasping selfishly for my own idea of what that good should be.

This is all much easier to say in hindsight–I do not mean to be dismissive of the young woman’s pain. My prayers will be with her.

Laura writes:

Excellent advice. Thank you.

And congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

Jeanette V. writes:

Also Joe is right: Find some hobby that men like. Join a booster club for a sports team (I like hockey). Take up photography and join a photo club. When I started taking voice lessons it never occurred to me that I would expand my social circles but I did. There are Karaoke clubs all over the country (one has to be selective here but there are so many to chose from it isn’t hard).

One good web resource is meetup.com. Type in “Single Christian.”

 Kevin M. writes:

Having spent several years of my youth mowing the lawn at the local trap club and spending Thursday nights as a trap boy in the traphouse, I can attest to the political composition of gun ranges. You will more likely spot a medium-well pork chop in a mosque than a liberal at a gun range. Liberals loathe firearms because they cause death, whereas at Planned Parenthood…but I digress.

Additionally, my brother is a certified rangemaster and firearms safety instructor. In liberal Vermont, he can’t believe the number of women who shoot and seek instruction. You will not likely be the lone female, I can assure you.

Conservative men get weak in the knees at the sight of a woman with a firearm. Why? Because we know that ain’t no liberal! Lots of pertinent questions answered.

Best wishes.

Laura writes:

Conservative men get weak in the knees at the sight of a woman with a firearm.

That perplexes me.

Kevin responds:

I did explain why many, many, many conservative men get wobbly when women blast out 23/25 clay pigeons at the trap club. Women who are comfortable with/around firearms are almost never liberals. Occasionally you get the odd femNazi who dreams of having the chance to drill the male of the species and legally get away with it. But not normally. Fembots have a fetish for bear mace (pepper spray and tasers). Only the big girl panty wearers pack Glock .45s.

I’ll bet my left kidney against your raspberry jelly donut that neither Amanda Marcotte nor Jessica Valenti know how to unjam a 1911 A-frame .45. Does Gloria Steinem know how many rounds fit into a standard clip for the Glock Model 19? Can Hillary Clinton tell me the mid range trajectory of the 160 grain 9mm when fired out of a Baretta 92-FS?

More like “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…”

Imagine you’re a guy looking to connect with a cool girl/woman. You want to know if she’s been divorced. If her friends are all into scamming the VAWA act. If she’s likely to scream RAPE! because you don’t call her by 10 a.m. the next morning. This girl can plug the black bullseye from a dartboard with a S&W .40 .cal at 80 feet? Oh, yeah. Sally Simperweathers is not her maiden name.

Chicks with guns. Just as feminine, and not even slightly liberal. Some of them even wear lace. BBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Laura writes:

So it really isn’t her shooting or holding a gun that’s attractive. It’s that her being comfortable with a gun indicates she’s outside the culture. It shows she doesn’t despise masculinity.

Laura adds:

I guess I’m still confused by this. I trust what Kevin is saying about the appeal of a woman at a shooting range. I’m just trying to grasp the psychology of it.

Does this mean a female soldier is attractive to men today?

Kevin writes:

It shows she doesn’t despise masculinity.

Laura writes:

Okay, I get it.

So, in other words, a female soldier would be going too far in welcoming the masculine into her life.

Kevin writes:

It’s something most men don’t understand, either, and I believe it’s principally cultural. When I was working in Saudi Arabia, it stunned me that all of my 17- to 25-year old male students knew how to cook with extensive skill. Cooking is not “woman’s work” in the Middle East (Muslim M.E.) even though in the Muslim household 99 percent of the cooking is done by Mother and her daughters, it’s something you do because food needs to be prepared like a camel needs to be saddled. Stop a 19-year old Muslim man on the street and ask him how to cook a chicken and rice (kabsa) dinner for 8 and he’ll tell you all the needed ingredients, spices and cooking utensils, procedure, time involved and how to serve it with elan. The segregation of the sexes required males to cook for themselves when away from family. It’s likewise quite common for Arab women to be quite handy rewiring a lamp or fixing furniture when the men are gone.

In countries where traditional gender roles remain strong (Russia, Japan, etc.) there is very little “genderization” of domestic skills and avocations. Masculinity and feminity thrive not because either sex wallows in both, but because both select their predisposed favorites and excel at them. When a woman excels at auto repair, she isn’t behaving in a masculine manner; she’s welcoming the masculine world into her life. Maggie Thatcher exceled in a man’s world, but only her enemies claimed she was…less than a lady.

It’s only natural and logical that women tend toward certain jobs, activities and leisure persuits in the same manner men do. But when society labels such jobs, activities and pursuits as “manly” or “girly” do we begin to resent what we do not pursue; and the inescapable concomitant of that mentality is misogyny and misandry. We subconsciously loathe what we don’t believe to be “ours.”