ANONYMOUS writes:

I am appealing to your readers because, as a longtime reader of your site, I believe in their intelligence and your own. I have been thinking long and hard about the changes in our society, and I believe my story illuminates some of the major issues at hand here.

I was born into an abusive family–not as “abusive” is used today to mean everything from not permitting homosexuality to minor discipline, but to two alcoholic parents who used my siblings and me as punching bags. My older siblings escaped by getting jobs and escaping in their early teen years, which was much easier to do then. By the time I was born, much later, my parents’ reputation had caught up with them, and teachers took note of my constant bruises and injuries. I was placed into the “system.” Thus, effectively, I was virtually always raised by black families (I am a white male), since many of them become foster parents for the money, and no effort was taken to make sure I wound up with white families. I was constantly around drugs, shuttled between families, and treated as “less than” because of their hatred of whites. Yet, staying with my own parents, I likely would have wound up dead; one of my brothers, in fact, died because they were too drunk to realize he needed medical attention, and by the time a neighbor took him to the hospital, it was too late. This setup kept me alive, but that was about all it did.

And so, precisely because I know that children like myself do exist, I understand why people argue that two well-meaning homosexual “parents” are better than none (which was essentially what I had). I understand the argument for abortion–my mother drank through each one of her pregnancies, so we’d already experienced the effects of her “upbringing” by the time we were born. I believe that many of the people who argue for this are truly well-intentioned, though I believe their views themselves to be ultimately destructive. And so, what, then, is the solution? To me it seems it would require almost an entire restructuring of society, so that communities were responsible for themselves rather than being monitored by the state, and my parents’ behavior would have (possibly) been deemed unacceptable and curbed early on. Other than that, I don’t know what to say to those people who argue that “it’s better for the children,” other than that I don’t agree with it because I am a red-blooded male and a conservative and a Christian. I am at a loss and recognize my prejudice due to my unique circumstances.

Laura writes:

You describe a hellish childhood and yet you emerged from this experience with the ability to express yourself intelligently and reason clearly. I would guess that you have been to college and had a reasonably good high school education. Most people with similar backgrounds are not as intelligent (parents who use their children “as punching bags” tend to be of very low intelligence) or as stable and well-educated. This is remarkable.

You also say you essentially had no parents, but this is not true. You had two parents whom you knew. Everyone feels a connection to his mother and father, even someone who has bad parents. Most people who have bad parents want not so much different parents but that their own parents would be better people.

At the basis of the biblical command to honor one’s parents — and it is an absolute command, not conditional on having parents who are not alcoholics — is this universal bond. Even a very bad parent is partly good. That’s why this absolute command makes sense. Unfortunately, you don’t see this and cannot use this fact to defend the bond that is under such grave assault.

What should you say to the person who says people like you would have been better off if they were raised by homosexuals instead of in foster homes? You should say that both of these are poor ways to care for children, but the foster care option is better because no one pretends that foster care is good. The child raised in the anomalous homosexual household is told that his situation is good, which makes his knowledge that he is not in a real family much more difficult to absorb and understand. Society has sympathy for the child in foster care, and this sympathy aids his development. It does not have sympathy for the child in the homosexual household because in order to allow such a thing it has to try and normalize homosexuality.

The answer for children in foster care is to strengthen the institution of the family, which keeps children out of foster care. This can be done by such things as ending public assistance for single mothers; weakening family courts that take children from their parents; and prohibiting homosexual “marriage,” which removes the family from the sphere of biological, personal connections. Even at the best of times, there are awful families. We can’t end suffering, but we can refuse to be complicit in it.

You should point to your own childhood and say that just because you were in foster homes doesn’t mean you would have wanted two men as “parents.” There are many white, childless, heterosexual couples who would be happy to adopt or care for  a teenager such as you were. As for black children caught up in the “foster care” system, adoption by whites living as homosexuals must be an utterly alienating experience that threatens their healthy development in more fundamental ways than being raised in foster homes, where no one pretends that their need and longing for parents has been satisfied.

— Comments —-

Anonymous responds:

Thank you for your reply. Your thoughts have given me a lot to ponder.

As for my education, my performance and behavior in school were certainly nothing to be praised, but one lovely (white, female) teacher in the city in which I spent most of my teen years recognized some potential in me, and made sure that I took intensive remedial courses every summer and applied to colleges. Without this, I would have fallen even more behind than I was, and I owe her a great deal. She was something of a mother figure to me.

I do understand your point about having a connection with one’s parents based on pure biology and instinct. I certainly feel it, though I am at this point emotionally removed from the situation enough to admit fully and recognize the danger to my life and my siblings’ lives that they presented. However, I do know who my parents are, and that is something, indeed (how sad that that very fact should be notable–but it is, in this day and age). The adopted children of homosexuals may never know.

Laura writes:

Without this, I would have fallen even more behind than I was, and I owe her a great deal. She was something of a mother figure to me.

So the real help for you came not through the government infrastructure (foster care) intended to help you, but from a concerned individual who went beyond her job duties to guide you.

Jewel A. writes:

I was raised by a child molester. I was molested until I was in my teens. My brothers and sisters and I were placed into numerous foster homes – which, while being poor, were nevertheless better than living with my father. We lived in neighborhoods where there was racial strife. We were in a mostly Mexican-Black part of town (Yakima, Washington) and it was violence all the time. One of my best friends was in a violent home, where her mother was a lesbian. It was an unhappy, abusive childhood for her, too. I saw murders, near riots, drunkenness, child abuse, drugs, prostitution. When I was 14, my father remarried. (My mother had died when I was eight.) His new wife was 19! He was 39. We moved back home, and within a year, I was on my way to becoming a prostitute myself.

I lived a shameful existence, and when I moved away from home, I did not wish to ever get married or to date, I was so burned by men.

In my teens, my girlfriends all had similar upbringings, and were also abused, some of them by my father as well. They became lesbians. Very angry, bitter women. I did not.

I have been around lesbian ‘couples.’ Many of them have children. I have not seen ONE child who wasn’t verbally abused, especially boys. My father’s own cousin was raised by lesbians, who were very nice, I suppose, but he committed suicide. He was an alcoholic, estranged from his mother and father. His mother had divorced her abusive husband and entered a lesbian relationship.

I myself am celebrating 30 years of marriage next week. I have four daughters, all with normal attractions to men. One is married and has a son of her own. She absolutely loves motherhood. I’d like to think that I had something to do with that.

I don’t know for sure why women become lesbians and enter into abusive, domineering relationships with other women, but it is a choice. Bringing children into such relationships has consequences.

It is possible to come through a scarred life with a determination not to follow in one’s parent’s footsteps. I did it. Many have done it.

I honor my father by forgiving him. I have come to love him, in spite of what he did to me. I just don’t let him around my girls, is all.

Laura writes:

An amazing story.

One thing that struck me is that there were no relatives — no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins — who stepped in and cared for you, preventing you from having to go into foster care. The same thing struck me with regard to Anonymous’ story.

Laura writes to Jewel (and to Anonymous):

I am in awe of your resilience.

Jewel writes:

I didn’t feel resilient going through it, but looking back, I do. It was a psychiatrist who gave me some perspective when I was 18. He told me to quit lying to myself about what happened to me, to understand that my father also molested my sisters, and wasn’t ‘singling’ me out. Years later, I found out why we moved so much…to stay ahead of angry parents and the police investigations. We really lived like nomads, and I hated it. I hated the fact, years later, that people in our church knew and said nothing, did nothing. When my sister told the police back in the 70s, they didn’t believe her, and in fact didn’t believe other girls he’d molested. He’s now in his late 70s and ‘remorseful’  as much as he thinks he can be, but still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Trying to tell him how badly messed up he made us only invites a defense of how he tried to be the best father he could be and that we should be grateful.

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