A READER writes:

Please forgive my poor English. It is not my first language.

So, a little background: I’m a 20-year-old college student in a major university in my country, currently in the third year of my undergraduate course. As a good fraction of male college students, I come from a very socially awkward adolescence, and, as soon as I got in college, I was desperate to go to all the parties, and drink all the alcohol, and please myself from all the college girls that would be anxiously waiting for me, in these places. I should have gone to a total of about 20-30 parties, until a few months ago.

It turned out that all the repressed feelings of my adolescence that brought me into this quest lead me to nothing but a deep sense of disappointment. I have found that alcohol is not the happiness potion that people try to make it seem to be; that most people who call themselves “friends” of yours want nothing with you but to not leave them alone in these parties; and, most importantly, that the process of finding mates in these parties is the most humiliating and hurtful thing I have ever subjected myself to.

The worst thing is, even when you put your shame aside and walk up to some girl, and then go on with the nonsense chatting that constitutes the act of flirting, and finally convince the girl to make out with you, no glory is achieved. Only a superficial and very temporary sense of pride, mostly because of the story of success that you will tell your friends. And, after it all ends, you are left in a degenerate lonely state, thinking that similar events in the future might lead you to a better state of mind.

Well, they never do. The realization of this fact, and of the fact that I need to cultivate some dignity and pride in order to not fall in a hole of neuroticism, made me choose to cut the fake bonds with manipulative “friends” around me, and just stick to a more conservative routine.

The thing is, currently I find myself without knowing what to think. People around me talk all the time about these parties, and about things like polygamy, open relationships, some unrealistic and nonsensical feminist ideas, drugs and even about disturbing stuff like the legalization of incest. It is very clear, in my mind, that all of that goes strongly against my essence. But I just can’t describe exactly what this essence is, and so I can’t tell exactly what my place in society, as a young male, is.

Well, I would greatly appreciate if you could comment on the things I have written here, as they are a major concern to me. Also, I would like to thank you for keeping your blog. I have read only a small fraction of it, but have already found plenty of interesting ideas.

Laura writes:

Thank you.

You are surrounded by people caught up in bad ideas and wickedness. In many cases, they are afraid of adulthood and the demands life will make on them. So they act tough or indulge themselves. They are cowards. These parties are not a good way to get to know people. It’s better for you to find activities — join a hiking club, a choir, a theater group, a political campaign — that puts you in regular contact with women. Your instincts are right.

As for your anxiety, you cannot find your essence on your own. It will not come to you with blaring clarity, but in a soft voice and an inner whisper. It can only be found in relation to the Father who loves you and watches you every hour of the day. St. John of the Cross said in his Sayings of Light and Love,

A bird caught in birdlime has a two fold task: it must free itself and cleanse itself. And he who satisfies his appetite suffers in a twofold way: he must detach himself and, after being detached, cleanse himself of what has clung to him.

He who does not allow his appetites to carry him away will soar in his spirit as swiftly as the bird that lacks no feathers.

Seek purity and love of God, and you will find who you are. God has a unique mission for you and no one else can fulfill it. Paraphrasing John of the Cross, I advise you to love discretion, love light and love love. The wise saint also said:

Deny your desires and you will find what your heart longs for. For how do you know if any desire of yours is according to God?

O sweetest love of God, so little known, he who has found its veins is at rest!

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