ANTHROPOLOGY LIFE magazine reports an exciting and potentially ground-breaking discovery. Scientists have come across a remote South American tribe that has never eaten, or been exposed to, pizza. The Zuga-Zuga of the Amazon rainforest are believed to be the last people on earth to remain untouched by the Pizza-Industrial Complex. Tribe members have never even seen a stuffed mozzarella stick.

Scientists view this as a rare opportunity to study the effects of pizza consumption. Over the next two years, the Zuga-Zuga will be slowly introduced to a pizza diet. The tribe, which will be trained to use cell phones for quick delivery, will be divided into three groups. One will eat Domino’s, another Papa John’s and the third Giordano’s Tropical Delight Stuffed Pizza with Canadian Bacon and Pineapple. If after two years, tribe members demonstrate some of the same thickening of brain cells and midriffs common among American pizza-eaters, there is the distinct possibility that Obamacare will provide three hot meals a day in a three-star French restaurant to anyone addicted to pizza. If not, the Amazonian tribe members will be given a lifetime’s supply of coupons for the brand that wins out in a phone survey of their preferences. Scientists have spent years looking for anyone on earth who has not had a slice. This thrilling discovery is the talk of deliverymen everywhere.

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