MY sincere apologies to readers for failing to keep up with the latest pizza developments in recent weeks. To tell you the truth, the loneliness of my position on the pizzafication of our nation sometimes gets me down and I simply have to back away from it all. However, in the latest news, there is the “flavor-packed” pizza burger above, which actually is old news since pizza burgers have been around since the early days of the Pizza Revolution. Its entrenchment is still worth noting. There is also the laser-guided pizza cutter here. Technological innovation in the field is breathtaking. The average number of pizza vendors per acre will continue to rise as there will be greater accuracy and speed in slicing. Call that a prediction or a prophecy, whatever you will, it is almost certainly true.

A word of caution to readers who live in cold climates: Pizza deliverers do not as a rule slow down in icy weather. Here is the disturbing account of a close call involving a pizza delivery, as told by the editor of the industry publication Pizza Today:

The other night, I was driving home from a meeting. It had been dark for about an hour and our area had experienced snow, lots of ice and exceptionally blustery weather. The temperature was dropping fast, and on my drive home I quickly found myself wishing that I would have had enough common sense not to get out in the first place. At several intersections, despite driving slowly, braking slowly and being generally cautious, I found myself sliding on the ice when I attempted to stop my vehicle. I saw a pickup truck in a ditch near the Interstate and another one in a ditch on a city road near my house. On the radio, I listened to weather forecasters talk about the dangers of being out in this kind of weather. I listened as the news broadcasters said the mayors of Indianapolis and Louisville (where Pizza Today is located) were asking local schools and businesses to close. In short, they said, don’t be out on the roads unless you absolutely have to.

As I pulled into my neighborhood I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and exhaled a bit. It was a relief to be off the roads.

Then, as I pulled to a stop sign, I noticed a car coming in the opposite direction. It was difficult to see as the ice blew around in the dark night air. First I heard the brakes locking, then I noticed the vehicle sliding down the hill, uncontrollably, right towards me.

I spun my wheels for a split second as I stepped on the gas pedal in an attempt to move out of the way. Just as my vehicle lurched forward the driver of the incoming car regained control as well. I zigged one way, he zagged another, and we barely missed each other.

As we passed, he gave me a look that seemed to say, “I’m sorry, man.” I noticed the illuminated pizza delivery car topper sitting on the roof of his vehicle and waved at the pizza delivery boy as he returned to the store to prepare for another dangerous run in what was sure to be a long and hazardous night for him. I wondered which one of my neighbors had ordered the pie. I also wondered what it would take for the pizzeria to stop delivery and heed the warnings of local officials, who were asking businesses to close for the safety of their employees.

— Comments —

Mary writes:

That ad is unintentionally amusing. Or depressing. Or maybe both. It claims that Burger King’s latest creation is “made for sharing” as if it brings people together. Nevermind that one big guy will probably be the biggest purchaser of this product and will wolf it down alone in his car, chased by a supersized coke. Or that Burger King is doing it’s best to kill off what remains of the erstwhile family dinner hour. So much for sharing!

I started losing my enthusiasm for pizza probably ten years ago. I was simply sick to death of it but I also started to notice that most pizza places don’t make anything from scratch anymore and as a result most is dreadful. This experience didn’t help: many years ago I stopped at, not to name names, but, I believe it was – o, the shame! – Pizza Hut with my kids to pick up dinner to take home. I had a few minutes to wait before our order was ready and standing at the counter I had a view through to the kitchen, though only of the hands of the pizza makers. As a homemaker I watched with vague interest as those hands plied their trade, using time-saving inventions such as a large, two-handled curved blade to slice an entire pizza in 4 seconds instead of the time-wasting 15 that it used to take. But I digress. At one point, the pizza making hands picked up an aerosol can and sprayed the surface of a pizza with its contents. What on earth…?  The can was then placed so I could read the label and if memory serves it read Garlic Flavored Spray. So started the beginning of the end of my love of commercial pizza.

Laura writes:

We all have committed pizza sins. All of us.

I am very impressed by Mary’s honing in on that phrase “made for sharing.” I think it means a number of things:

1. This burger is huge.

2. If you don’t have enough money for one, get someone else to pay for half of it.

3. You will probably end up eating this in your car all by yourself, but (as Mary pointed out) it’s still a dining experience.

4. Even though we care about nothing but convincing you to buy this product, we are really altruistic in nature.

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