LAURA E. writes:

I enjoyed your post on the importance of fasting.  To that end, I thought I might share with you the homily from my cousin’s wedding in June 2013. The Nuptial Mass, a Latin high mass, was presided over by the groom’s brother (also my cousin).  He is a cloistered monk (and a priest, obviously) at a monastery in the Midwest.

My cousin’s homily argued that the ability to fast is the most important trait to seek out in a marriage partner. The full text is rich in themes that would be well-appreciated by your readers. Here it is.

Homily for the Marriage of XXX and XXX

“A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife…”

In the Name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

For a young person to find the spouse to cleave to for all of one’s life is a great challenge, whether one be man or woman.  This afternoon, I’d like to address most of my words to the young women in the church, and speak a bit about what to look for in a husband, in a man who is worthy of having a woman cleave to him as he ought to her.  The rest of you out there can tune out, or go to sleep for a while.  It won’t bother me.  Or listen.  As you wish.

There is a wise old priest in Seattle, Fr. Joseph Stanichar – some of you know him – with a reputation for giving good advice.  Occasionally a young woman will go to him and ask, “Father, what sort of man should I marry?”  And he always says the same thing: “Marry a man who can fast.” (By the way, it’s the same priest who says, “The glue of marriage is prayer and children.”)  Marriage is largely about self-sacrifice, self-denial. If a man is able to fast – deny himself – for the sake of God and his own soul, then he will be able to deny himself for your sake and the sake of his marriage.  If he can say “no” to small things like the Twinkie in front of him on the table, then he will also likely be able to say “no” to bigger things, for example, to things on the Internet which he must avoid at all cost, out of fidelity to God and fidelity to you.  (And when I say “at all cost,” I do mean “at all cost.” Men need to relearn that some things dishonor their own self, their own manhood.)  But if he cannot say “no” to small things then, sooner or later, he will not say “no” to larger things, and he will not deny himself for you.

Such acts of self-denial can have big effects in our families.  A while back, a group of married men, loosely grouped around the monastery, would meet together from time to time.  One time they were discussing the difficulties of being a husband and father in today’s world, and they decided to try something practical about it.  They all agreed that they would, each of them, fast one day a week for their families: in the course of the day, they would eat one full meal, plus two smaller meals which don’t add up to another full meal.  They settled on Wednesday and, helped by the knowledge that all the others were out there doing the same thing, they began.  And they all rather quickly reported an improvement in their family lives.  The Gospel tells us that some demons are only cast out by prayer and fasting.  (Mark 9:28) [Yes, I know that there are other versions and translations floating around.]  And do not families today have need of such exorcism? Fasting is, after all, merely a standard part of the Christian life.  Our Lord tells us that His disciples will fast when He is taken from them.  (Mt. 9:15; Mk. 2:20; Lk. 5:35) So if we actually are His disciples, we must practice some kind of fasting.

St. Josemaria Escriva used to say thatt a meal without mortification is a meal taken like a pagan.  What did he recommend?  He meant take one less dash of salt, perhaps your second favorite soda or salad dressing, a little more of what you don’t like or a little less of what you do.  This is nothing that will affect your physical health; your neighbor at table will never notice anything.  God alone will see it.  (cf. Mt. 6:18)  Or what about fasting for a little while from noise, the media, the Internet? These are small acts of love, and also provide a means of keeping up a running battle with the demons, making them keep their heads down.  Fasting is about God, not vainglory; it is a means, not an end; but I think you’ll notice a difference in your family life.

Now, young ladies, you don’t have to listen to me on this point.  You are free to marry a man merely – or primarily – because he is funny or handsome or even wealthy.  All these traits are fine and great in themselves, but first of all make sure that he is able to fast.  I really do have your best interests and happiness at heart, and I’m trying to spare you a lot of trouble and heartache and marriage counseling.  At the top of the list of what to look for in a prospective husband, put the ability to fast in the number one slot. If a young man can’t fast, don’t marry him.

A second thing to look for: is he Christ-like?  And here’s one way of answering that question.  Does he imitate Christ in honoring Our Lady? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ spent roughly 33 years on earth, but only the final three of those were spent preaching, healing, etc.  Roughly the first 30 (cf. Lk. 3:23) were spent in a quiet life of prayer and work with Our Lady.  Thirty out of 33 equals 91%.  So Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gave 91% of His earthly time to her, and nine percent to the rest of us.  That’s what the Gospel says.  If you have any difficulty with this, you’ll have to take it up with Our Lord and His Holy Gospel, ‘cuz I’m just telling you what it says.  If we’re going to be serious about “WWJD?” – “What Would Jesus Do?” – then perhaps we ought to first ask, “WDJD?” – “What did Jesus do?”  And the answer to that is: He seriously honored Mary.  So young ladies, your Christ-like man, the kind that will lay down his life for you, should be such as spends some time with Our Lady.  In Western Civilization, men have historically respected and honored women because they have historically respected and honored Mary, seeing Mary reflected in all women.  A man who respects the perfect woman, the one whom God chose from all eternity to be His Mother, the one from whom He took His Blood, the very Blood that redeemed us, as every page and every chapter of St. Paul cries out to us, such a man as this will likely respect a woman who has a few imperfections, such as – yes, let’s be honest her, young ladies – you.

Pray the Rosary with him.  The family Rosary does work; if anyone says otherwise, tell him to come talk to me.  With every Rosary, satan loses ground.  And with every Rosary in your courtship, satan loses ground in your courtship.  And with every Rosary in your marriage, satan loses ground in your marriage.  And with every Rosary in your family, satan loses ground in your family.

A third point: he’s got to be mature.  Maturity has nothing to do with the ability to physically reproduce, or the ability to take care of oneself.  Rather, the criteria for maturity – and this applies to both sexes – is twofold.  Firstly, it is the ability to take care of others, and secondly, the liking of doing just that.  One is mature if one can take care of others, and like it.  One of these without the other is insufficient.  There are many people who can take care of others, but dislike or even hate it.  These people are not mature.  On the other hand, there are those who really want to take care of others, but who can’t quite manage it.  One thinks of the four-year-old who tries to help Dad in working on the car, or help Mom in the kitchen, or take care of the older sibling who has a cold.  Despite all the good will in the world, they just aren’t quite yet able to actually take care of others – but just give them time: they are on the right track, the maturity track.  In any case, we instinctively prefer this four-year-old who wants to help, rather than the forty-year-old who can take care of others but dislikes it.  If this be the right notion of human maturity, then we’ve all met some mature kids of ten, and some immature kids of riper years.  Make sure that your prospective husband can take care of others, and that he enjoys doing it.  If either of these is lacking, he’s not mature: don’t marry him.

So let’s review: Number One: marry a man who is able to fast.  Number Two: marry a man who loves the people whom Jesus loves, and who spends time with the people whom Jesus spends time with.  Number Three: marry a mature man.  And finally, here’s a Number Four: if you find a young man with all the above traits – and by the way, you probably won’t find one without a great deal of prayer, for such a grace can come only from the mercy of God – then, if in addition to these, he also happens to be able to hunt whitetail deer safely and competently, well, then, honey, throw a lasso around him.  But that’s just a bonus question; the key is in the first three.

A word to the young men here: learn how to fast.  You’ll likely need to start small, perhaps very small, especially if you’ve received no training in this. Keep at it.  This has nothing to do with getting your weight down to make the wrestling team, unless perhaps you mean the kind of wrestling of which St. Paul speaks in his letter to the Ephesians: “Our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but principalities and powers in the high places…” (6:12).  It has everything to do with first of all becoming a man, and secondly laying hold of the Kingdom of God.  You cannot be worthy of being called a man if you cannot, by leaning on grace, say “no” to yourself and your own fallen nature.  There are many males in the world who can’t or won’t say “no” to themselves: the news headlines are full of them, and the world is dying because of them, and we don’t need any more of them.  Pope Benedict XVI used to tell young people: “The world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort.  You were made for great things.”  You will be called to provide for and protect your families, and this is first of all a spiritual providing and protecting.  Too many men think they’ve done their job merely because they’ve materially provided for their families.  This is, of course, essential, but it is secondary.  The first protection and providing is spiritual.  Don’t marry a young woman you can live with, or even a young woman you can’t live without.  Marry a young woman whom you desire to get up in the morning every day and die for.  And if I may suggest to you something to consider: if she would make a good mother, she’ll probably make a good wife.

All you parents out there – if you want a supply of mature and self-sacrificing young men for your daughters, or mature and self-sacrificing young women for your sons, help by forming your children as spouse material, as solid young men and women of virtue.  Much could, of course, be said here on the topic, but I will limit myself to pointing out a reference work.  Buy and read the books of a man named James Stenson, published by Scepter Press. (And no, I have no financial interest in any of that.)

Young men, let me actually come back to you before I close.  The world is in desperate need of men who can say “no” to what is unworthy, and who can then say “yes” to what is noble.  So I leave you with a short phrase to think upon: “cowboy up.” Now that saying originates in Texas, so I’ll have to translate for those of you who came from a distance today, or who aren’t from around these parts.  “Cowboy up” is what one cowboy says to another after the first has come back from his own job or his own bronco ride.  It’s as if to say, “Your turn, cowboy. Let’s see what you’ve got.” And Christ is saying that to you, after He Himself has completed His Father’s work on earth, even though He remains with us until the end of time.  So in the Name of Christ, and for the love of Christ, and by the grace of Christ, cowboy up.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

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