JOHN DOE writes:

I am currently a twenty-year-old engineering student who has had the fortune of discovering the insanities of feminism at a young age. Considering that I have already acquired a very good job, once I graduate I intend on marrying a Christian woman. To state it plainly, I want a Christian woman who wants to be a housewife, but it seems my views are in the minority, even amongst many Christians. My arguments for wanting a woman with that aspiration seem quite rational, but they are also theoretical. Thus I have a few very important questions I hope you can take some time to answer:

1.) Would you consider a housewife a luxury? (I hear this one quite often.)

2.) As a housewife, how do you combat social isolation from fellow adults?

3.) What do you think are the reasons why a man should pursue a housewife over a career woman?

From time to time, I will hear or read from others that a man wanting a housewife is old-fashioned or authoritarian, that housewives are lazy, unambitious woman, and that to have a housewife is a luxury, and unnecessary. I have an answer to every single one of these objections, but I want to hear your opinions first. These are very big questions, especially the last one, so I am hoping you really take your time.

Thank you.

Also, please leave my name out. I do not want potential feminist acquaintences bothering me.

Laura writes:

Nice to hear from you. Here are a few things for you to consider.

Would you consider a housewife a luxury? (I hear this one quite often.)

A mother and wife at home is not intrinsically a luxury. She is a necessity. For a home to run well and for children to be raised well, it’s necessary for a mother to be there physically (not necessarily unemployed for she might be engaged in money-making work at home). That’s not to say that children can’t be raised well in a home where a mother must work for basic necessities or where a mother is absent due to death or illness, but even in these cases a home is less comfortable, home-like, healthy, civilized and harmonious if she is not there. There are always exceptions. In the case of a mother who is, say, insane, it is better if she is not there! In the case of a woman who is resentful and angry, a home may be miserable even when she is there. But in that instance, the problem is her anger and resentment not the fact that she is there. In the case of a woman who is lazy, the problem is not that she is home but that she is lazy.

We live in an economy that does not function well and places terrific strain on families. It is a materialistic culture so one risks serious social isolation if one doesn’t keep up. The idea that economies are based on human self-interest is largely to blame for this anti-family economy and the collapse of the one-income family. Economies do not flourish when self-interest is held to be the supreme economic law.

However, the economy is not primarily to blame for the idea that having a wife at home is a luxury. If home-making had not been thoroughly degraded by feminist thinking, people would complain more about the fact that women are pressured to work outside the home. They would view the wife at home as a necessity which they are denied because of economic pressures and they would agitate for change or question the status quo.

As a housewife, how do you combat social isolation from fellow adults?

The best way to combat all problems is to engage in spiritual warfare with the self. The woman at home must be a spiritual warrior. Her chief enemy is within herself. Any social isolation I have experienced has benefited me. It’s made me stronger. It used to bother me that I was basically the only woman at home in the middle class neighborhood where we live. (This would definitely not be the case in wealthy neighborhoods nearby.) Now it doesn’t bother me at all because I know that any social isolation I have experienced has been well worth it. Solitude is good. It is good even when it is painful. All loneliness is an illusion.

However, a woman can always find company with other adults if she engages in some kind of volunteer work. There are also lots of blogs and chatboards on the Internet for women at home.

What do you think are the reasons why a man should pursue a housewife over a career woman?

First of all, it’s very unlikely that you are going to find a woman who says she wants to be a housewife. Maybe you will, but I doubt it, given the pervasive conditioning and groupthink. Most women even if they want to do that (and I believe most want it in their heart of hearts and think they can have it after years of working at a career) would feel like losers if they admit to such a thing. They have been taught to think that, as you say, homemaking means laziness and a lack of ambition. Furthermore, they have no idea how much work it is to manage a home and family life. No idea. They are complete innocents. They have also been taught that large families are too much work — when in fact large families are in some ways easier over the long run.

So I don’t think you necessarily should “pursue a housewife over a career woman.” A career woman does not have to remain a career woman. Your family life will be much better if your wife does not work outside the home before your children are fully grown. All this is not simply a question of individual preferences. It’s a matter of duty. You have the duty to provide for a family as best as you are able and your wife has the duty to remain home if she can. You have the obligation to welcome children without conditions.

What I would suggest is that you look for a woman who is kind, considerate and even-tempered, a woman who is not mean and not subject to frequent emotional storms (all woman are passionate and emotional, including me, but those who are totally dominated by their emotions are likely to be more conformist and subject to social pressures.) Let’s say a woman says cutting things and gossips about her friends or other people. That is a sign that she is insensitive and may be insensitive to you and her children someday too. Sometimes the life of the party is no party at home because that elation has its dark counterpart. It’s hard for men, a curse really, to choose character over beauty. But every beautiful woman will be much less beautiful someday.

Look for a woman who is not obsessed with her career plans and has other interests. If she has artistic interests or any intellectual interests, she will be able to find occupations at home. Many women are preparing for careers that could conceivably be converted into money-making activity at home, such as running a small business. You should view a wife’s role as not entirely absorbed in home and family. All women at home should have an independent life too with interests of their own. A housewife should pursue the type of excellence which motivates her and suits her temperament. One great thing about homeschooling is that it is interesting and stimulating work. If you do have a housewife someday, talk to her about the importance of learning to say no because many people think that women at home have nothing to do. She does not have to say yes to everything or meet all requests from organizations, requests that can truly suck a woman’s energy dry by demanding all kinds of things from her. Some women become totally burnt-out by this and find a job easier.

Anyway, even if you have a wife who is a housewife, you are not guaranteed an easy married life. In fact, there is no such thing as an easy married life. The important thing is what you and your wife are seeking, not what you have. I hope you find a wife and that your entire life together is animated by the ideal. In the end, that’s the general difference between a housewife and a career woman.  The housewife need not be, as feminists say, a drudge. She is not necessarily a drudge even though she may do menial things all day long. She is an idealist. She drapes her home in the ideal. It does not require a big house or many things to do this well. It requires love, vision, confidence in God and the steadfast conviction that this world is not our true home.

— Comments —

Vicki writes to John Doe:

There are thousands of families in the United States who are raising their daughters to be godly housewives.  I do not know your religious affiliation, but they come in so many denominations.  Some of the sites you may wish to peruse are Raising Homemakers, LAF/Beautiful Womanhood, Teaching Good Things, Home Living, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Adventures in Keeping House, and many others.  You can see for yourself how these girls are being raised.  They are waiting for a godly husband.

My prayers for you as you seek God’s help in finding a wife.  He has been raising her up to be the perfect helper for you.

Laura writes:

Thank you for your concern and good wishes for Mr. Doe.

The sites you mention are essentially for women, not men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s good, though probably not much help for a man looking for a wife. But there is a serious problem with these sites, despite their often beautiful and inspiring affirmation of women at home, and that is that they promote something called “biblical womanhood.” Biblical womanhood, when used in the sense that one can find all supernatural truths simply from private or congregational perusal of the Bible, is false.

In the end, there is only one Christian denomination. God is one. God’s people are one. He most certainly cannot be worshipped through a sea of contradictions, as represented by assorted and conflicting denominations. Christ left the Holy Eucharist as an ongoing manifestation of his love and a reenactment of his sacrifice at Calvary. These sites deny the Eucharist. Similar to the Protestantized Novus Ordo Church, they have no (or little) reverence for this ongoing miracle.

Lydia Sherman writes:

The churches of Christ throughout the nation and the world celebrate the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ by taking the bread and the fruit of the vine every Sunday.  Those who are unable to attend on Sunday morning religiously observe communion in Sunday evening worship services.  When Jesus instituted the Lords supper, he said, “This do in remembrance of me”:

 For I have received of the Lord that which also I delivered unto you, That the Lord Jesus the samenight in which he was betrayed took bread:

 And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me.

 After the same manner also he took the cup, when he had supped, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood: this do ye, as oft as ye drink it, in remembrance of me.

For as often as ye eat this bread, and drink this cup, ye do shew the Lord’s death till he come.

 Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord.

 But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.

For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body.

From 1st Corinthians 11:23-29

Laura writes:

Thank you for writing.

As I said, sites such as Home Living offer beautiful and inspiring affirmation of women at home. I especially like many of Lydia’s writings on that subject. However, the concept of “biblical womanhood,” when it means that what is biblical is determined by individuals and their communities, is highly problematic.

The varying definitions of the Eucharist (usually not referred to as the “Eucharist”) are one example, a major one, of how resorting to private interpretation of the Bible leads to doctrinal chaos. In the churches of Christ, Christ’s institution of the Eucharist is honored but as a memorial of the Last Supper only, involving “communion,” or fellowship, with Christ. It is not seen as a sacred reenactment of the sacrifice at Calvary and there is no transubstantiation. The bread is not changed into the body of Christ. The churches of Christ adamantly reject the sacramental theology of the Eucharist.

 Feb. 4, 2014

Donal Graeme writes:

First, you are correct that most of the sites out there are directed towards women, not men. And even more so, towards raising young women, not necessarily helping them marry. As for men, there really aren’t any resources out there for young Christian men looking to marry Godly women. Personally, I think that says an awful lot about many supposed traditional or conservative Christian circles.

Second, your comment about “Biblical Womanhood” was spot on. Everyone can and does interpret the Bible in a different manner, so the concept of “Biblical Womanhood” is entirely meaningless. Same for “Biblical Manhood.” When everyone’s definition differs, and it means different things to different people/denominations, it ends up meaning nothing at all. The sad thing is that this kind of madness was warned about at the end of the Book of Judges: “In those days there was no king in Israel; every man did what was right in his own eyes.”

As for the Eucharist, here is what Saint Ignatius, disciple of Saint John, had to say about it:

“Let no man deceive himself. Both the things which are in heaven, and the glorious angels, and rulers, both visible and invisible, if they believe not in the blood of Christ, shall, in consequence, incur condemnation. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. [Matthew 19:12] Let not [high] place puff any one up: for that which is worth all is faith and love, to which nothing is to be preferred. But consider those who are of a different opinion with respect to the grace of Christ which has come unto us, how opposed they are to the will of God. They have no regard for love; no care for the widow, or the orphan, or the oppressed; of the bond, or of the free; of the hungry, or of the thirsty.

They abstain from the Eucharist and from prayer, because they confess not the Eucharist to be the flesh of our Saviour Jesus Christ, which suffered for our sins, and which the Father, of His goodness, raised up again. Those, therefore, who speak against this gift of God, incur death in the midst of their disputes. But it were better for them to treat it with respect, that they also might rise again. It is fitting, therefore, that you should keep aloof from such persons, and not to speak of them either in private or in public, but to give heed to the prophets, and above all, to the Gospel, in which the passion [of Christ] has been revealed to us, and the resurrection has been fully proved. But avoid all divisions, as the beginning of evils.”

This was the same Ignatius who almost certainly helped edit John’s Gospel for him. The Real Presence was official doctrine as far back as the Apostolic era. To deny it is to deny the very people who brought us Scripture in the first place.

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