THE U.S. SUPREME COURT ruled today, in the landmark case Scarsbury v. Scarsbury, that under the Due Process and Equal Protection clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment, children are entitled to establish their own bedtimes and eat whatever they darn well please. The 5-4 ruling was the culmination of years of struggle by children’s rights advocates. It was widely hailed as a victory for equality.

Eight-year-old Zachary Scarsbury spoke at a press conference outside the Supreme Court Building. “My parents made me do so many things I didn’t want to do,” he said. “I didn’t have any rights at all. This is a victory for equality.”

Zachary has been living in a five-bedroom condo funded by George Soros’s Children Rule campaign while awaiting the decision. “I finally can go back home,” he said. “With the federal government backing me up, my parents understand their obligations and probably won’t give me anymore trouble.” Zachary prefers macaroni and cheese without any vegetables on the side.

Mr. and Mrs. Scarsbury, who sold their four-bedroom house two years ago to meet legal expenses, appeared somber as they addressed the press outside their mobile home. They said from now on they would do whatever Zachary ordered them to do. “We were living in the past,” Dan Scarsbury said. “It’s time to move on.”

Parents across America reacted to the ruling with indifference. “I’ve been letting my children do whatever they want for years,” said Heather Jones, a single mother interviewed on the street in downtown Columbus, Ohio. “I think everyone should have equality. My children prefer double-crust, cheese-stuffed pizza from Pizza Hut.”

Richard Helward, interviewed in Macon, Ga., said he gets angry whenever he thinks of how parents controlled their children in the past. “If my son wants to play video games for 12 hours a day, I think he has the right to do it. Who am I to say, no?”

The court also ruled that parents are no longer permitted to impose their religious beliefs on their children. Under the First Amendment, no family can establish a religion.

“My parents kept forcing their fairy tales on me,” said Zachary, who is an atheist. “I felt sorry for them.”

“They can still give me presents at Christmastime, but that’s it.”

— Comments —

Mrs. Thiry writes:

Oh, but this is good news!  We can finally solve that pesky overpopulation problem that Catholics should be so concerned about!

Any word yet on when the Pizza Pride Parades for Children will begin?

Keep up the good work!

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