A Bit of Erma
February 6, 2016
THE housewife-humorist Erma Bombeck raised three children and churned out newspaper columns in this suburban house in Centerville, Ohio. She wrote the column below, “Are We Rich?,” for publication on June 3, 1971. She eventually did become rich from the hundreds of clever, satirical pieces she wrote about her domestic world. She neither romanticized nor disparaged her way of life. It was a world where men were still men and women were still women. Having started them in 1964, her columns were syndicated to 900 newspapers by 1978. Though she would later go on to campaign for the Equal Rights Amendment, she was not initially enthusiastic about the feminist movement, once saying of Betty Friedan and her fans, “These women threw a war for themselves and didn’t invite any of us.”
“Are We Rich?” by Erma Bombeck
The other day out of a clear blue sky Brucie asked, “Are we rich?”
I paused on my knees as I retrieved a dime from the sweeper bag, blew the dust off it and asked, “Not so you can notice. Why?”
“How can you tell?” he asked.
I straightened up and thought a bit. Being rich is a relative sort of thing. Here’s how I can always tell.
“You’re rich when you buy your gas at the same service station all the time so your glasses match.
“You’re rich when you can have eight people to dinner and don’t have to wash forks between the main course and dessert.
“You’re rich when you buy clothes for your kids that are two sizes too big for the one you buy ‘em for and four sizes too big for the one that comes after him.
“You’re rich when you own a boat – without oars.
“You can tell people have money when they record a check and don’t have to subtract it right away.
“People have money when they sit around and joke with the cashier while she’s calling in their charge to see if it’s still open.
“You’re rich when you write notes to the teacher on paper without lines.
“You’re rich when your television set has all the knobs on it.
“You’re rich when you can throw away a pair of pantyhose just because it has a large hole in it.
“You know people are loaded when they don’t have to save rubber bands from the celery and store them on a doorknob.
“You’re rich when you can have a home wedding without HAVEN FUNERAL HOME stamped on the folding chairs.
“You’re rich when the Scouts have a paper drive and you have a stack of The New York Times in your basement.
“You’re rich when your dog is wet and smells good.
“You’re rich when your own hair looks so great everyone thinks it’s a wig.”
Brucie sat quietly for a moment, then said, “I think my friend Ronny is rich.”
“How can you tell?” I asked.
“His mom buys his birthday cake at a bakery, and it isn’t even cracked on top.”
“He’s rich, all right,” I sighed.
Thank you for your post on Erma Bombeck. I didn’t really appreciate her when I was younger, and I do find some of her writing dated today. However, she did turn out some gems regarding family and values. I have a column of hers I saved from the year she died, when the local paper reprinted classic columns twice a week. The one originally from Nov 1971, “The Lawn and the short of it – raising a boy” – very much resonated with me as the mother of two sons.
Laura writes:
You’re very welcome. I have not read a great deal of her work, but I heard a monologue of hers on the radio recently and it was a riot. She churned out so much copy, so I imagine there were plenty of duds too.
