MARIA writes:

I am a 35-year-old woman currently living a housewife life, without stating it loud and clear.  I live in Europe, in a Western country suffering from all the evils you have been describing in your posts.

In my heart and soul, I am thrilled to be living a housewife lifestyle, even if it is in secret. It took me many years of struggling before I managed to live the life of relative ease of mind that I have now. Only when I took to dating seriously and started praying for a husband, did I meet my current husband. Even then things were not easy. He wasn’t the “Christian man” I desired and he wasn’t much into the idea of marriage either. But he is a good man, a wonderful husband and a good provider. Needless to say that if I had not married him, I would have very likely been childless and single today.

I don’t personally know any woman my age in this city who is housewife or stay-at-home mum. Actually two of them I suspect, but just like me, they are hiding in shame. We all pretend to be busy, e.g. by starting our own businesses or taking some temporary (often low-paid, quasi-intellectual) jobs here and there, all for the sake of showing that we are of course capable just like any other woman. But the stress of work, even when it is freelance or part-time work, and even if done from your own home, is simply not worth it I believe.  I have heard that stay-at-home mums are quite common in the U.S., but we are an endangered species here in Europe. (Of course, Muslim women are an exception. Nobody finds it strange that they get to spend their days with their kids, and are often paid by the state to do so).

Actually, most Western women I know (in their early to mid 30s) are unmarried, living in cohabitation. Some, very few, do have a child or maximum two but even then it is with their partners, not their husband (they don’t see the point in  marrying!). Needless to say these women are all very bent on working, functioning almost as independent units, and basically living in a barren world where children and husbands seem to be of extremely little importance compared to work.

The main problem however is that I cannot even receive the needed support  from my own husband, as he too has been brainwashed. Just like many men of his age and social status, he has enjoyed the benefits of being raised by a loving stay-at-home mum and he has never been in day care. However, he somehow got the idea that his mother’s unhappiness was due to the fact of being dependant on the father. (In reality, his father is a narcissist. His mother is unhappy for the lack of love. She was an amazing, active, energetic mum who made life absolutely beautiful for her children).

So the issue is this, my husband insisted and still does that I should be a working woman. I have however been very disillusioned with the world of work and I prefer to take some years completely out of it to be with my family (How many years? One , two, three? Is there a magic number? When will they need me less?).  In the past I did succumb to his pressure: I started working on a new job when my first-born son was only four months old. I had those great “balancing jobs” where you can work from home, but I obviously still needed some kind of childcare. After understanding  the sheer horror of leaving such a small baby in day-care ( the norm in this country is four months old), I found a good nanny, but then my entire (miserly) income was used to pay for her salary. How ridiculous the choices we make sometimes!

The stress I lived with having to work (lots of mental energy spent on some very silly projects) and take care of a very demanding little baby boy, made me lose my breast milk and become resentful at a time I should have been enjoying my long-dreamed ideal of motherhood. There I was, giving the most precious gift of life to my baby (and to my husband) and raising a new generation, and yet, the only thing that seemed to matter was if I was still “employable.” This was almost three years ago. My son is still a demanding little boy, in need for my attention and time, but I have recently stopped working and have luckily gotten pregnant again. I am now very determined to avoid the unnecessary strain on our well-being again. I want to keep my marriage healthy. Take care of our beautiful home, and be the rock upon which the whole family will rely. But how in the world will I do that if my husband expects me to get a job anytime soon? I can imagine him counting the days /months when our second child is born.  Of course, he is right, two incomes are indeed needed for us to keep up with the good lifestyle and home we have. But, I know now, that a life in a cottage without any luxuries would be preferable then spending my days in some mindless dead-end job, far away from those who need me most.

What strategy would you adopt so that somehow gets it – that this housewife and stay-at-home mum business is after all, the true business of life ?

Thank you!

Laura writes:

Perhaps things are much worse in Europe, but housewives are an endangered species in America too. Fortunately, there are pockets of resistance and also pockets of wealth where housewives are more common.

Now, you say that your husband is brainwashed, but it is probably also true that he is resisting not just a less materialistic, possibly more financially-strained way of life, but may sense that a woman who is not absorbed in a career is more likely to make spiritual and moral demands on her family. You are heading in a direction he does not want. All of us, due to the effects of Original Sin, have an inherent tendency to resist God. And that’s probably where he is, in a state of deep denial of the very source of his existence. He doesn’t want the truth. You say he’s a good man, but he is not good.

He’s resisting practical realities too. When a man insists that a wife leave home, except in cases of dire financial need, he’s saying that her core purpose in life is no purpose at all. He’s saying that what she does isn’t necessary, not the millions of domestic tasks and not the work as a moral and intellectual guardian. Children need constant moral training and domestic order up until the time when they leave home for good. That’s just an inescapable fact of life. It’s an insult to a woman’s femininity to say she is not needed.

As you now obviously know, it’s best to resolve this before marriage, but unfortunately our feminist culture leads us to think we don’t need to work anything out at all. How could you have known when you were told lies? So you were caught off guard and are now in a difficult situation. I don’t have any brilliant strategies for you. Basically, what I would do is continue patiently and lovingly to go about creating a happy home. I would explain to him patiently what you do and how you don’t fit in with the surrounding culture. If he insists that you return to employment, keep patiently explaining that your true place is at home and that this desire of yours is a reflection of your love and care for him. You are not obligated to pay as much attention to him if you return to work, of course. It’s not possible to do it all. But please don’t bring hostility or resentment into your marriage. You married him as he is. He is capable of change. Human beings are not created once, and then done. They are works of constant creative activity. Pray that God creates a new man in him and focus on what God wants from you.

Does a husband, given his natural authority over his wife, have the right to insist that she leave home for employment? No, he does not, not unless basic survival is at stake. He does not have the right to order her to do wrong. However, he could also make her life difficult if she does not do what he wishes.

If you should have to work at paid employment because of his constant resistance, you can still be committed to the housewife role that you lost. You can help others understand its importance. You can continue to try and convince him. You can fight for what you know is right even if you personally have lost it. You can uphold an ideal, and keep it in your heart forever. You can accept the lot you are given as God’s way of drawing you closer to Him, and make good come from it always.

Laura adds:

By the way, your husband’s blaming of his mother’s unhappiness on her traditional way of life is so typical of feminist thinking. Unless a housewife’s life is perfect, it is not valid.

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