A FEMALE READER writes:

I’m hoping maybe you can shed some light on this dilemma I am having.

Have you ever heard of a mother in possible mourning because she isn’t having any more kids? I have been wanting at least one more child for years, and my husband doesn’t want anymore. He says we can’t afford it even though he makes a little bit more than he did when we had our previous kids. I have joked about having another one for a long time, but didn’t realize how serious my heart is breaking because I’m realizing I may never have another one.

A few things have made me go from making harmless comments the past few years about wishing I was pregnant to feeling like I’m mourning:

1. My 34th birthday is coming up.

2. I only have three children; my youngest will be six soon and my oldest is a young teen. I just received my order of hundreds of pictures off my computer of my children growing up. Seeing these positive, happy memories they formed together makes me realize that even if I had a baby now, he/she will never share those memories with the kids that were formed. And worse, he/she will lose out on developing a close relationship with my now-teen.

3. I’ve spent the last week babysitting a two-year-old and a four-month old, and may start babysitting a four-month-old continually. If I don’t, it would be because it’s too hard on me emotionally. I’ll be living my life as if I had a newborn, yet he wouldn’t be mine.

What may sound surprising is that I currently homeschool my other children. I love it. And most people would think since I already have my hands full, why would I want to add?

I’ve been wanting another baby since my now six-year-old was three. I get SO incredibly sad and envious when I see other mothers at church with more than three kids. And with these previous three things happening, I’m just consumed with sadness. Extreme sadness. It’s a feeling that there is at least one more child waiting for me to meet, and I keep prolonging it. This feeling has been going on for years.

My husband thinks we can’t afford it, but I told him that with babysitting (if I choose to) it will give him time to find that job he wants. He has an advanced degree, yet is having trouble finding a career in that field. I honestly think it’s his lack of confidence. He is SO smart..yet he needs more confidence in himself.

He says we should just wait till he can make more money, but I’m not getting any younger. That right there proves to me he is still open to the possibility of more children. I wonder if him saying to wait until we have more money is really hiding another fear. I’m confident that I WILL have regrets if I don’t have anymore.

Yet I’m still sad that it’s been so long, and it still will seem like he/she is an only child (relative to siblings) if I do end up getting pregnant anyway.  I’m just here crying and feeling like I’m in mourning. Like I’m grieving. Is this normal?

Thanks for your time. I appreciate it.

Laura writes:

Whether it is normal to feel this grief anymore, I don’t know. But I know for sure that what you are feeling is healthy and right.

You are meant to be a mother. You are meant to say yes. Children are an expression of your hope and confidence.

You and your husband are complicating this issue. Stop trying to make decisions that are not yours to make.

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth. [Genesis 1:28]

That God only cares about our spiritual lives is a common fallacy. He cares about your physical survival too. Remember, in the account of the ‘fishes and loaves,’ when all the people came to listen to Christ and they didn’t have enough to eat? He gave them enough to eat. He cared about their survival because they trusted in him. Gathering there in multitudes with no thought of what they would eat or when they would eat, they must have moved him with their trust:

And when he had commanded the multitudes to sit down upon the grass, he took the five loaves and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitudes. And they did all eat, and were filled. And they took up what remained, twelve full baskets of fragments. [Matt 14, 19-20]

God cares about your family’s well-being. He will provide for you. He will give you the means or the strength to survive with less. All you have to do is obey, and trust. Remember that you are children too. 

Please remind your husband that it is not his obligation to provide a college education to his children or anything else but basics. It is his obligation, however, to have as many children as possible. Try to explain this patiently to him. In 30 or 40 years, when he is old and weak, he will not say, “Why did I have so many children? Gee, I wish they would stop visiting me and taking care of me.” When we meet a person and marvel at his individuality or good qualities, does it ever occur to us to think, “Oh, well thank God, his parents wanted him?”   No, we know that whether that person was wanted prior to his conception doesn’t much matter.

For the rest of your marriage, let God decide how many children you will have. Anything else is sinful. Put away the contraception for good. If either of you doesn’t want more children or is afraid of having more, then turn to God. Confide in Him and ask for help. Talk to him about it. He will not be offended by anything you have to say to him on this issue. He has given you this creative potential. He is not going to punish you for using it. He is going to bless you extravagantly, as he already has done. At the very least, you owe him gratitude for the wonderful children you already have. Show that gratitude.

By the way, your point that anymore children you have will not be able to share in the full life of the family because your older children are so much older is just not true. It will be different from the earlier stage of your family life. Perhaps it will be harder, perhaps it will be easier, but it will be just as meaningful.

In the meantime, be happy for other mothers. Someday you truly won’t be able to have more children. But there will be other good things in store for you.

There is enough for everyone. There is enough for you.

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