Raising Daughters
October 19, 2016
LESLIE L. writes:
I have enjoyed your blog for quite some time. I am a housewife myself and thoroughly enjoy what I do. Yet I am facing a huge problem that I am hoping I can get some advice about.
My oldest daughter, who is a teenager, doesn’t want children. I don’t believe she is 100 percent adamant about it, because I think she gains some satisfaction at my dislike at the thought (maybe a control issue for her), yet I am worried I am just not setting a good example for her.
She is not the “average” teenager in that she participates in bible study nightly, doesn’t support the LGBT community (which she says is common at her high school), she doesn’t swear or dress immodestly, and wants to save herself for marriage. All of that in itself sets her apart from the average American teenager in my opinion.
Yet, she seems sort of pushing or tiptoeing on some feminist ideals and it worries me. For example, if I mention having children and staying home with them, she gets defensive and says why can’t she pursue a career and only a man can. She somehow has gotten it into her head that we have been treated unequally and she isn’t going to grow up a “damsel in distress”. She loves reading classics, yet has commented on how “sexist” it was back then, and sometimes she overuses the mere word “sexist”.
I honestly feel like a failure. Am I not doing a good job as a mother? I know I have my weaknesses but am working on them. Am I not doing a good job of showing her that being a housewife and raising children is an important job and one worth devoting her life to? How can I show that to her anyway?
Hopefully you can shed some light on what you think is going on here, and what I could do.
Thanks for your help.
Laura writes:
Your daughter is surrounded by feminism, as a fish is by the sea. Most of us have swum around in that sea. So it is not surprising that she is challenging your way of life. Not surprising at all.
You know, the relatively contemplative existence of a housewife is not very impressive to most of the world. Ha! So it’s not surprising your teenager is not impressed. Yes, I think she is expressing adolescent defiance. She is testing ideas. But, remember the world we live in. A housewife is considered an anachronism. She’s sort of like a blacksmith or a tailor. The influence from school and the world is powerful. Organized forces are waging psychological warfare against every woman’s deepest inclinations and distinctiveness, robbing her of feminine dignity, pumping her up with ambition on steroids and instilling her with envy.
Besides, it’s human nature to think all things are possible. It’s human nature to want to sacrifice nothing. It’s human nature to rebel against reality. And, what she says is correct. It is unfair that women can’t do everything men can do. It’s deeply unfair. But that unfairness is not man-made. There is no family leave law that can change the laws of nature. And that unfairness has magnificent, relatively invisible compensations that will probably never be mentioned by any of her teachers in all her long years of schooling. For lo, the Kingdom of God is within you. Not out there.
The fact that you enjoy being a housewife does not mean she will be drawn to it or strive to make it possible. I would drop the subject of her eventually staying home with children for a while. Let her cultivate her interests, her knowledge, her strengths and her skills (including homemaking skills). Nothing is wasted if she marries and has children. Let her prepare to work at a paid job.
I think it is important, however, for you to talk with her again and again as the years go by about the virtuous life and the heroism it entails. If she goes into a marriage with the idea of not having children, or limiting their number, she offends God and risks everything. Remind her of the lonely old age without children; of the fact that her descendants will live on long after a career is over; that a single couple can create what becomes a small society over time, but most especially, of heaven and hell. She will suffer greatly if she does not please God. Her body is not her own. That’s the bottom line.
Your daughter may lead a life very different from yours. But that doesn’t mean you’re a failure or that you have to approve of it. You are only remiss if you don’t try to advise her — without anxiety or pressure — as she enters adulthood. The outcome is not guaranteed. She has a mind and will of her own. Here is some good advice:
When they enter into a certain state of life, it is they, not you, who will have to bear the burdens of that state; therefore, it is they, not you, who must choose the state whose burdens they have to bear.
You have no right to command in this matter. But you have a right to direct and guide your children in the choice of a state of life, and you should do so. If you watch them closely, you will know their abilities sooner than they will themselves; you will even know their likes and dislikes before they have realized them themselves. You may be able to suspect what are the designs of God in regard to them; and then it will be your duty to do all in your power to help them realize these designs.
As soon as they express any inclination for a certain state of life, you should examine this inclination for them, and try to find out their reasons for wishing to enter that state, showing them the obligations, the consequences, the dangers of the course they wish to take. If you know that the choice is a bad one in itself, or that your children are not fit for the position they are inclined to choose, it is your duty to do all in your power to persuade them not to make this choice. You cannot command in this matter, but it is your duty to advise; and if through want of your advice and direction your children make a bad choice, God will not hold you guiltless.
Your daughter is approaching adulthood. That’s a big transition for you. I hope you will be confident, dear mother, that the wound that may form in your heart if she embraces the standards of the world can be healed over time — or at least put to good use in reparation for your sins and the sin of others — with prayer, patience, and a mother’s hope.
— Comments —
Aservant writes:
A sincere question for Leslie L. Where is her father in all of this? Having a 14 year old daughter myself who is also a very “abnormal teenager”, I can say that the approval of her father (myself) has great sway over her. It really hurts her to disappoint Daddy.
Although I am not a fan of his in general and don’t really follow him, Joel Osteen does give some pretty damn good sermons from time to time. I just happened to catch one a couple of months ago on TV where he spoke of the importance of the “blessing of the father”in the spiritual development of children, especially daughters. In secular terms we would call it “approval”. Studies in recent years have overwhelmingly confirmed this as well; daughters with healthy relationships with their fathers are much less to suffer from all kinds of dysfunction as adults than daughters that don’t have this relationship.
Laura writes:
Great points!
Paul C. writes:
“Unfair” is an inappropriate word. Men and women have strengths that we cannot change. It is the natural law, which Catholics and other Christians accept. It is God’s plan, which cannot be unfair.
I agree with the rest of the article.
Laura writes:
It is “unfair” in the world’s view of fairness. Women cannot be actors in the world in the same way men are. Women are more dependent. It’s a mistake to deny this fundamental inequality. Leslie’s daughter doesn’t want that dependence, and that is understandable, though misguided.
Oct. 21, 2016
Sibyl writes:
I have four daughters, 19, 15, 10, and 8. What I have noticed in them is also what I remember from my own teen years. When a girl is growing to maturity, she feels the need to make up her own mind, even with the very best example in the world in front of her. She wants to separate her own identity — a good thing! — from that of her mother, and to contrast her mother’s views and traits with her own.
So on a small scale, for example, I made the decision several years ago only to wear skirts or dresses, because I feel that showing feminine dignity is easier that way. My oldest, quite headstrong, often said how she didn’t like that, and made jokes (but not mean ones) about homeschooling mothers and denim skirts, etc etc. She also said she didn’t think she would get married, and wanted to join the military.
Well, by the first year of college she was routinely wearing dresses and talked about how many admiring comments she got. And when the other day I was talking with her about not settling for a guy who would treat you poorly, or that would expect you to be physical with him and yet too cowardly to get married, she said, “I know that, Mom. I have such a good example, just watching you and Dad.” She really meant that, too.
As they near adulthood, they need to see that you respect their ability to choose wisely and to be their own person. When she says she thinks that there is a lot of sexism in marriage, the best response just might be a smile and some mild comment, like, “Not with a good man, sweetie. Most women are deeply happy in marriage.” And leave it. It’s okay if she doesn’t buy it, because life will teach her, and your witness is more powerful than you know.
And if it makes any difference, when I was a teenager (sullen, snotty, certainly not a Bible-studier, by any means) I told my own mother I would never have kids. And now, having had six of them, I only wish I could have more.
