Happy National Pizza Day!
February 9, 2017
I HOPE I am the first to wish you and your families a most joyous and love-filled National Pizza Day!
This is a time to celebrate. A holiday established by the bigwigs in the Pizza Industrial Complex is indeed a special occasion. And celebrate you should. Instead of having just four slices today, have eight! Instead of giving your children just pizza bagels for breakfast and Pizza Crunchables for lunch, go on and have yummy pizza burgers (above) for dinner too. It’s the patriotic thing to do. Pizza may have originated in Italy, but America has devoted so much culinary creativity and capitalist energy to this dish that pizza, in its modern industrial form, can rightfully be said to be American, not Italian. Who needs home-cooked meals when you can have a hot dog pizza with FREE mustard dip instead?! Who needs Mom when Papa Johns is just a phone call away? Pizza stands for progress.
An Ode to Pizza on the Occasion of National Pizza Day, 2017
We sing to thee, O stalwart crust.
Thou inspire us with such wholesome lust.
You’re the staff of life, you’re our daily bread.
If it weren’t for you, all thrills would be dead.
Our families are demolished and we’re buried in debt,
But that car outside is Domino’s, I bet.
Hurray! Pineapple, ham, pepperoni too,
On delicious foam board, rubber and tomato glue.
Zach’s gained 40, Brittany’s gained 65.
But, thank you, Lord, they’re definitely still alive.
They’ll see Dad next Tuesday, maybe Mom’s boyfriend at 10.
The boxes will be empty and greasy by then.
Political pedophiles and presidents love it, they say.
But it’s the pizza proletariat who mostly salute this Day.
O, pizza stars, pizza trees, pizza mountains, please.
May the whole world soon be covered in cheese.
