H.F. writes:

I’m responding to the posts “Clueless Women” and “The Woman as Helpmate.”

To an outsider I look like another clueless woman. My life revolves around studying to become a doctor, often at the expense of spiritual life, time with family, and friendships. Yet I deeply desire to be a mother and helpmate. I’m 22.

Why, then, do I waste my youth poring over textbooks rather than trying to start a family?

I was raised without religion but joined the Church as an adult, to my parents’ disappointment and embarrassment. During my childhood both my parents worked full-time, so I saw little of them. They’ve spent many thousands of dollars on my education. Earning a professional degree is expected of me.

In college I told my parents about my longing to be a housewife. They laughed and said that no man would want a freeloader. They can’t fathom forgoing an income. I tell them that I’ll marry only a Catholic man, or a man willing to convert. They laugh and say that I’m being unreasonable and inflexible, that I can’t expect a man to convert just for marriage. They view marriage as an optimal financial plan rather than as a sacrament. Although they promise to help me find a husband, I have little confidence in their ability to judge virtue, so I can’t rely on my parents for help. While I’ve tried earnestly to meet a virtuous young man, a good man is hard to find. The best men I know are becoming priests.

But the above doesn’t explain why I’ve chosen such a long, grueling educational path. I should be clear: the decision was mine, not my parents’. Prayer illuminated to me that being a doctor is my life’s calling. Based on my personal strengths and interests, medicine is the best way for me to obey Christ’s commands. In fact, I feel that God has called me to be a physician more strongly than He has called me to be a wife and mother.

I understand that medicine isn’t like any other profession. At minimum, it requires substantial time and attention. Being a good doctor and being a good mother are probably mutually exclusive. If I have children, I want to do things right. For instance, I would homeschool my children. Telemedicine is growing in demand, so as a doctor I could work from home while teaching my children, but the quality of the patient care would likely be diminished.

It took me a while to realize that my choice to become a doctor will impede marriage and raising children. At first I was distraught, but after reading some of your writing about lifelong virginity and several articles on Tradition in Action about the nobility of celibacy, I came to accept that I should devote my life entirely to serving my patients. Yet I still feel a lump in my throat when I realize that I might never get the chance to mold a young life or to join my soul to another’s. When I tell my family members about this sadness, they assure me that everything will work out in the end, that I’m young (which is true), that I should stop worrying. But I can’t take them seriously because they live without any sense of a higher purpose. How could they when they don’t believe in God?

I’m writing to share my viewpoint with you and your readers and to ask for advice. Though I have much more to say on this topic, I must wrap up this email at some point.

[Comments? Write to thinkinghousewife@msn.com]

Laura writes:

Thank you for writing.

I am moved by your sensitivity and the grace that has poured into your life.

You obviously have given this all much thought. You are, of course, not clueless at all. Given your strong inclinations toward medicine, it seems you should proceed with that plan. But please avoid trying to get rid of the tension you feel. Even if you remain celibate and unmarried for the rest of your life, you may never entirely dispel that tension. There will be moments when you wonder whether you should have had a family. There will be times when you will be sad and lonely. Do you think the men who become priests don’t sometimes feel it too? Embrace that uncertainty and tension as part of the particular suffering of your chosen life. You are not in control of it. It’s just there — to humble you.

One practical concern: If you take out big loans for your medical education and then meet someone you’d like to marry, you could be in the position of not being able to give your children proper care. It’s a risk.

Try to take time during your busiest days for prayer, including mental prayer and meditation. Focus on being, not doing.

I wish you great success. I will pray for you too.

— Comments —

Penelope writes:

Dear Clueless,

Please don’t stop looking for a husband because you are studying medicine.  You are still in the position to date and find love now.  Many young women doctors marry other doctors and there are many creative ways for you to stay home with your children.  I would also think very carefully about becoming a doctor vs. a nurse or nurse practitioner.  Even a physician’s assistant.  These professions are much less time consuming and expensive than becoming an MD.  You could also work once the children are out of the house etc, without having as much debt etc, as well as before you have kids.  You seem to possess the intellect to become an MD, but I wouldn’t let perfectionism and striving deter you from being in a medical related profession that gives you time to date, get married and raise a family. Attend Catholic singles groups, my cousin married from one of these events.  I would also try Internet dating on a Christian site.  Help God help you by making yourself available to a godly man.

Best to you, Penelope

Laura writes:

Thank you for your advice.

A warning about “Catholic” singles groups: Many of them are not Catholic. H.F. would have to make it clear that she is a Catholic — often known today as a “traditional” Catholic — and her spouse would have to convert or, in a worse-case scenario, agree to raise the children as traditional Catholics and follow the Church’s teaching on marriage and contraception.

See more comments here.

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