The Hardships of the Single Life
May 22, 2019
The Mower, George Seurat
PEOPLE who are married and raising children sometimes look on those who live alone with feelings of envy or superiority. The single do not have the stresses they have. Boy, things must be easy for them! They don’t have to wake in the middle of the night to feed babies or drive children to all kinds of activities or do much laundry. They don’t have certain daily irritations that come with living with others. They don’t have to work to understand a spouse. Their bills are much smaller too. Why do they need to worry much about anything?
The single life is in some ways easier, but the single person who through choice or circumstance is single for many years or for life has hardships that are not often recognized. The loneliness is recognized but not other daily burdens.
The single have the hardship of worrying about everything themselves. Their future stretches before them and they alone are responsible for it. In a way, they never have time off because they can’t say to someone else, “You take care of it for now.”
They may have close friends with whom they share their thoughts, but will those close friends be there to make them soup when they are sick? A single person may live in a small apartment, but it is still a household that has to be maintained. And he can’t pass the burden on to someone else. There’s no one else to take the car to the shop or wait for the appliance repair man to show up.
I have noticed that people who are single for a long time are often very focused on the necessities of life and it’s understandable that they are. If they lost a job, it would matter even more. Sometime their friends may expect them to have lots of extra time to do things for them, and they may have the time. But the business of survival may be too consuming for that. If you have a single friend and sense a shadow of anxiety, this may be why. The independence of modern life is especially concentrated for them. If you feel as if you have no time off because you are busy raising children, remember that your friend has no time off from his own survival.
For 29 years, my husband and I have lived next door to a man who lives by himself. (Not voluntarily; his wife left him decades ago.) He’s now getting pretty old. These last few days I have noticed that his grass is uncut and he appears to be away because there are no lights on at night. His absence has made me marvel at all the years he has cut the grass himself and cleaned the gutters and paid the bills — and just survived on his own. He has always been pleasant and uncomplaining. He has never once invited pity.
No one has been a burden to him — but he has not been a burden to anyone.
And there’s something heroic in that.
— Comments —
A female reader writes:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the essay, “The Hardships of the Single Life.” I have been single all of my life, and will turn 59 this summer. I sometimes still think about marriage but, realistically, I expect to spend the rest of my days alone.
I am at work, and your essay moved me to tears such that I had to step away from my desk a couple of times. Fortunately, I have a couple of kind friends (married ladies), who listen to my woes when the sky feels like it’s falling. I am in survival mode ALL of the time, and the pressure often seems overwhelming even though, on a purely superficial level, I may not appear to be all that “busy.”
This article gave voice to my life, my pain, better than I ever could. Thank you for your understanding and compassion.
Laura writes:
You are very welcome. Thank you for your kindness in writing.
Life is hard, really hard. And God sees your crosses even when others don’t.
One thing that prompted me to write this is that I was thinking about an aunt of mine who died two years ago when she was in her 80’s. She never married and always supported herself, and the anxiety of worrying about her future really got the best of her at times. Some of her worries were irrational, but some were well-founded. It was a tough existence, partly because people would think, “Oh she has nothing much to do.”
And, by the way, I just saw my neighbor mowing his lawn! All is right with the world. : – )
