BILL CLARK DEAN,  also known as “Sir Guy,” blogged for many years at What Women Never Hear.  He was an older man devoted to helping women better understand men in marriage. His wife, Grace, provided crucial input to the site. The successful marriage depends on a knowledge of essential differences between the sexes. When men and women are expected to act, think, and feel the same way, they don’t understand each other and run into serious difficulties, he argued.

Dean — and his wife — understood that sometimes indirectness is the solution to marital problems.

I was sorry to learn only recently of Sir Guy’s death last year. May Bill Dean rest in peace! Fortunately, his blog is still online, thanks to his son; an internet forum is dedicated to his advice; and he also published a book, Where Did All the Good Men Go?

His post “Make Marriage Work” is a good introduction to his work:

* Males become natural role models through direct actions, that is, leadership by directness. Females become effective influence dealers through seed planting and patience, that is, leadership by indirectness.

* A man expects his bride not to change after they marry. Women are not only willing to change to get their way when living with someone, they expect to change and have their man accept it either knowingly or unknowingly.

* Husbands don’t expect to change, won’t change, and they resist it except under one condition. They will listen and heed one woman; the one to whom they are devoted but only if she reflects her expectations indirectly and without challenge, blame, and guilt. That is, once again, leadership by indirectness.

* Both sexes are unschooled and seemingly uninterested in improving their leadership above and beyond what they have absorbed accidentally in life. Feminism discourages finesse and sophistication for women, which makes men abstain from any concern with it.

* Leadership by example is the most effective kind for both sexes. But the lessons take time to be absorbed. Leadership by indirectness, however, is essential for wives to lead husbands. Children readily follow direct and indirect leadership provided it makes sons feel they are admired and daughters feel they are important.

Here’s more:

[…]

Woman-think rules the home in advanced societies. Nowadays, however, the cultural fallout of Feminism makes man-think the predominant power. What does it take to overcome modern pressures? It takes women who pay attention to their nature—their need, drive, and ability—and early girlhood hopes and dreams. They learn to ignore pop culture values, feminist propaganda, and what other women say. They follow instincts and intuitions emanating from their modest hearts and expect the same natural obedience of men to their own nature. She can lead a husband to think, but she can’t make him matter in their lives—until and unless he wants to.

Out of the mix and match of their primal natures, one woman takes one man and convinces him that she is the epitome of his expectations for a mate. Men won’t and can’t do it. Each gal has to learn to overcome natural male resistance with the tremendous and superior-to-men’s ability provided by God’s design, Nature’s endowments, and hormonal guidance.

In another post, he wrote of the little attentions he received from his own wife, Grace:

* “We” don’t do things; “he” does it. For example, when she talked to others about going somewhere or doing something, she said it like this: “He took me to breakfast today at … and then took me shopping at….” (Incidentally, we gave up a second car after 25 years of marriage in order to bring us closer together; it worked too.)

* She would always leave me the last bite of dessert we might be sharing or of hers if we had separate desserts.

* She recognized and took gentle, unobtrusive, almost undetectable action when I need to be ‘perked up’. Usually something of my interest.

* She grabbed my hand when walking. Fear of appearing as an old, dilapidated couple prevented her holding onto my arm.

* Before I started going to church and she took the boys, she fixed a breakfast for me each Sunday.

* When I got riled up, she departed my company. Thus, she gained silent influence over my stubbornness. I think she thought it best for me to stew in guilt, and sometimes I did.

— Comments —

Lydia Sherman writes:

I always thought this man’s column was the best on the web, because it was free from the religiosity of the teachers and preachers who spend more time explaining who is the leader and who is the follower, than they do on how to make the marriage work in a way that is pleasing the the couple.   I especially like that he brought out how the woman uses her instincts to help the husband go in the right direction, and vice versa. Too often the religious teachers don’t allow women to be real helpers in the marriage when it comes to decisions and direction.

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