[An imaginary conversation based on a true story.]

ALLSWELL: Hello.

BARKLEY: Hello, is Jason Allswell there, please?

ALLSWELL: Yes, this is Jason.

BARKLEY: Oh, hello, Jason. This is Colin Barkley of the Colin Barkley Family Funeral Home.

I hope I haven’t caught you at a bad time.

ALLSWELL: Oh ….

BARKLEY: Oh, good. I tried to catch you before, but no luck.

ALLSWELL: I didn’t recognize your number. I’m on my way to work now so …

BARKLEY: Mr. Allswell, it’s been a year since your mother’s death — and let me say once again how very sorry we are for your loss —

ALLSWELL: (Silence)

BARKLEY: Yes, it is hard to believe. She was a special person.

ALLSWELL: (Silence)

BARKLEY: My sincere condolences once again.

ALLSWELL: (Audible sigh)

BARKLEY: I’m just calling to remind you, Jason, that (voice lowers) we still have your mother’s remains here. I know how hard it must be ….

ALLSWELL: You’ve saved them?

BARKLEY:  Of course. We take pride in keeping all cremains safe and secure. Unclaimed remains — sadly, some are unclaimed — stay here for up to one year and then we reach out to family members in the hope that something can be done. We realize how busy life is.

ALLSWELL: (Silence)

BARKLEY: As a special ‘thank you’ for your business, we would like to offer you complimentary shipping.

ALLSWELL: Ship them? Here?

BARKLEY: We take exceptional care with packaging. The temporary urn would arrive, safely sealed, in three to five days.

ALLSWELL: And what am I going to do with them!?

BARKLEY: Well, we also have a full selection of burial and columbarium options. I went over them with you before, but we could go over them again, over the phone if you like. I’d be more than happy to do that.

ALLSWELL: (Muffled swearing)

BARKLEY: Oh, and I should mention, a beautiful urn garden just opened a few miles from here and the fees are very reasonable.

ALLSWELL: To be honest ….

BARKLEY: I could send you a brochure and catalogue.

ALLSWELL: Look, I don’t want them.

BARKLEY: You don’t want anything fancy? I completely understand. We find that many of our clients value simplicity and ….

ALLSWELL: No, I don’t want them.

BARKLEY: Many people make a beautiful display in their homes.

ALLSWELL: I could care less what other people do. Look, they won’t harm anyone in a …. Just …. Can’t you throw them away?

BARKLEY: You mean, dispose of them?

ALLSWELL: I’m not a sentimental person …. And my house isn’t a funeral parlor!

BARKLEY: Would anyone else in the family be interested in taking your mother? I wouldn’t want to … Perhaps a grandchild?

ALLSWELL: No, no. Definitely not. We’re all so busy. In fact, I have to get going ….

BARKLEY: I see, I don’t usually … I’m sorry to hear that. It’s not really my business to dispose of cremains. You will have to sign a form. Bear in mind, we didn’t know your mother or her wishes.

ALLSWELL: Do you have my fax number?

BARKLEY: I have it here in my file. This was your mother, correct?

ALLSWELL: I appreciate it. I will sign as soon as I get it.

(Click)

BARKLEY: Thank you for your business.

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