I WAS in the dentist’s chair today, undergoing torture, when the announcer on the pop station playing overhead interjected between two songs, “If your wife’s angry, tell her she’s over-reacting! Try it!! It works.”

I had to laugh at the way he just tossed that in there and moved on to other things. I bet electricians, roofers and other tradesmen listen to that particular radio station all day. As they are working, some of them are probably thinking, “What did I do wrong?”

I don’t mean to make light of men who have lost almost everything because their wives are mad. Those serious cases aside, is this a good suggestion for the ordinary kind of anger a husband may encounter? No, I don’t think it is — even if she is over-reacting.

Men may be genuinely perplexed or taken off guard when a wife gets mad at them. They may truly not understand why she is so upset. The worst thing they can do in response is 1) get angry themselves or 2) just dismiss a wife’s feelings. Saying, “You’re just over-reacting,” is a form of dismissal. I think it will just make things worse.

In his book Overcoming Sinful Anger, Fr. T. Morrow has some better suggestions:

Now, when a husband has an angry wife, whether she expresses childlike anger** or explosive anger, what can he do? One thing he shouldn’t do is lose his own cool. If she expresses childlike anger, he can smile back at her, but he should be sure to tell her, “I’m sorry I made you angry. Will you forgive me?” as the man in the earlier example did. Simple enough. If she expresses explosive anger, he should listen carefully until she is finished. Then, once he knows why she is angry, he can offer to discuss the matter. He could say, “Tell me what I did wrong, and I will try to improve.” That’s often a winner. When a woman is upset, angry or not, she often wants to talk about it. He needs to listen.

One husband told me that he often could not talk about whatever the source of contention was because he was not exactly clear on why his wife was angry. I suggested he make a firm date with his wife, perhaps the next day at 5:30 p.m., to discuss the whole matter in detail. Never leave it hanging.

(Morrow, Fr. T.. Overcoming Sinful Anger (pp. 54-55). Sophia Institute Press. Kindle Edition.)

**By childlike anger, Fr. Morrow is referring to the teasing, playful anger recommended by Helen Andelin in her book, Fascinating Womanhood. That style of anger toward a husband (not the other way around) can be very effective.

— Comments —

Helen writes:

Volumes could be said about this topic, especially by post-feminists in recovery.  Being angry at a husband was a favourite sport among my peers.  Men were immature, didn’t contribute to child care and household responsibilities, were boys, really.  Who could bear it!  Angry jeers at their incompetence would (somehow) shape them up we thought.  Wives were expressing themselves, it was healthy for us to tell it like it is.  That approach got us divorce, not usually initiated by the hapless husband but by the outraged wife.  Including me.  Feminism told us we were correct in our assessment. Turning on the television and other media confirmed our collective frustration at the male of the species.  Masculinity was toxic!  Men deserved the outrage of women!

What a sad failed social experiment is feminism.  The oligarchs told us we deserved it all, so today many women are childless and husbandless, mollified not at all by a designer dog and a one-bedroom condo. Bitter looking back at the rage fueled and applauded by the social engineers.

John E. writes:

That radio station clip is funny!  I didn’t hear it of course, but sounds like the announcer was making a joke (at the expense of those men who took him seriously!).

Maybe we are to assume that Fr. Morrow’s advice to a man with an angry wife is predicated upon the man actually doing something that required asking for forgiveness?  As it is presented, it looks like the man is advised to request forgiveness simply for making his wife angry.  I don’t think I could do this as it would be false at least in many cases.  It assumes that the wife is either angry for a righteous reason, or at least that the husband was careless, callous, etc. and disregarded proper attention due to his wife’s feelings, thus making her understandably angry.  But this is often not the case, and while a husband might express sorrow at his wife’s anger whatever might have been the reason for it, it does not follow that he must be sorry for having been the cause of her anger.  If he is first answerable to a higher person, he obviously has no control over his wife’s reaction to many of his actions/decisions.

Laura writes:

I think the announcer was serious!

Yes, an apology when nothing wrong has been done is false.

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