Save Lives!
April 25, 2020
The Anti-New York Times proposes that the Federal Government impose a series of directives which will save countless thousands of lives each year. Should any of you pro-shutdown normies chance across these life-saving proposals — we’d like to know if you support such suggestions. And if not, why not?
* Crisis: About 40,000 Americans are killed in automobile accidents each year.
Life-Saving Proposal:
*A 25-mile-per-hour speed limit on the nation’s highways — 15 mph on roads and streets. All new and used cars to be fitted with automatic speed limiting technology.
*To reduce non-essential travel, an additional $2 per gallon gas tax will be imposed
Estimated Lives Saved (as per computer model): 30,000 per year
* Crisis: About 30,000 Americans die from falling each year. The victims are mostly elderly, but not always.
Life-Saving Proposals:
*People 60 or older must use a walker at all times. Hidden cameras placed in homes will ensure that the policy is being followed at home. First offense: $500 fine // subsequent offenses to include jail-time
*Homeowners prohibited from cleaning their own gutters or painting over 6 feet from the ground
*Sales of step-ladders forbidden to those 60 or older
Estimated Lives Saved (as per computer model): 20,000 per year
*
* Crisis: About 5,000 Americans per year choke to death while eating
Life Saving Proposal:
*All food — whether sold in markets or served at restaurants — must come de-boned and pureed. Strict compliance enforced by fines and imprisonment for repeat offenders.
*Crisis: Various forms of annual cold & flu kill an average of 35,000 Americans per year. For the 2016-2017 season, an estimated 60,000 Americans lost their lives. In both 1958 and 1968, more than 100,000 Americans died (at a time when the U.S. population was about 40% smaller than it is today)
Life Saving Proposal:
*Implement the current economic shutdown and social distancing laws every year from December through April.
*Make mask-wearing mandatory all year round.
Estimated Lives Saved (as per computer model) 25,000 per year
*Crisis: Obesity is considered the main contributing factor in 300,000 deaths in America per year.
Life Saving Proposal:
*Mandatory weekly weigh-ins at designated fat-watch precincts. A $1 per pound overweight tax imposed at each weigh-in. Failure to pay fees will result in liens and wage garnishments.
Estimated Lives Saved (as per computer model): 150,000 per year
— Comments —
Janice writes:
Haha! The intrepid ‘editor-in-chief’ over at ANYT always has a way with satire. (Should we keep our fingers crossed that our Orwellian overlords will not attempt to use his comical suggestions as real items in their dictatorial agenda?)
Laura writes:
They make far too much money off of junk food to do that.
Katherine S. writes:
Another item for the list:
“A more recent analysis estimates 128,000 Americans die each year as a result of taking medications as prescribed – or nearly five times the number of people killed by overdosing on prescription painkillers and heroin.”
From the Sept. 27, 2016 issue of US News
Amazing! And people want to trust Big Pharma!
