THE Babylon Bee has this late-breaking scoop:

U.S.—After state governments across the country directed their citizens to shut down their businesses and just kinda hope things worked out, a new order has been issued: everyone is to jump off a bridge immediately.

A government official issued the order to solve our current crisis, and everyone immediately complied.

“Everyone jump off a bridge,” said a representative of the government.

“OK,” said everyone. “If the government says so, it’s probably a good idea. Besides, what can we do? It’s the government. They definitely have the best people working on it.”

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