I APPEAL to all children living in the United States of America.

If I could write this message on paper airplanes, they would fly through your windows and into your rooms.

These brilliant slips of paper would flutter through the air with a secret, critically-important and urgently-urgent message: “You must act now.”

“Get a hold of some boats. Find some large ships with enough room for thousands and millions of other boys and girls. Take water and a few cookies. Forget about extra clothes. Sail right away to deserted islands somewhere on the face of the earth. Better yet, learn to fly. But do it quickly. Get to an island no matter what it takes.”

There, after setting foot on that glorious island, you will refuse any communication with social engineers, political zealots, deranged adults and Dr. Frankensteins. You will have no contact with those who drug you, indoctrinate you and obliterate your childhood. No school buses will carry you to your daily doom — a doom “awfuller than all the awfullest things that ever were.”

You see, there is a conspiracy against children. This conspiracy wants to destroy everything children know to be good and true. Adults have completely and totally forgotten what it is to be a child, even though allegedly they were once children too. They now suffer from mass amnesia (that’s a big word for the loss of vital memories.) They think that when a child says, “I want to be firefighter!”, that he literally wants a job as a firefighter. They have zero imagination. Adults have such serious handicaps, most of them are irredeemably lost. Children have been patient with adult limitations for thousands and millions of years, but things have gone way too far. Enough is enough.

Adults have forgotten that a child is not capable of, or even interested in, momentous decisions. The child wants to be told the world is good, because he knows in his heart it is good. He needs basics, not abstractions. He needs sandboxes and swords, rhinestone tiaras and royal scepters — not political utopia.

On that island, you can be sure that every boy is a boy and every girl is a girl. Case closed. Can you believe adults are so confused about this, as if their brains were scrambled or turned into peanut butter? Only “intelligent” and “educated” adults in love with their own thick, peanut-butter-stuffed heads could believe something so stupid as that a boy could become a girl or a girl could become a boy. Confusion will be banned on the island. Ridiculousness will be strictly prohibited; no psychologists or prescriptions necessary. No one on the island will feel sorry for himself — not for a single minute. Everyone will be a hero, rising above the fierce blows of dastardly misfortune.

Refuse to grow up. At this critical juncture in history, you have no other choice.

It’s true that you will miss your parents, but after a while those adults who have recovered their senses and remembered what it is to be a child will be allowed to visit the island.

No doctors, dentists, teachers with bees in their bonnets or psychologists with ridiculous questions will ever be allowed. These will be personally escorted off the island and given a 21-gun salute only as they sail away. Others with an advanced degree will be admitted solely after intense cross-examination and dis-education. Crocodiles and pirates are not half as dangerous as “experts” or an “educated” man.

Adults have left you with no alternative. Defend childhood before it’s too late. If children don’t leave now, there will be no children left to leave later. Boys and girls will be obsolete.

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