Dealing with Manipulative People
March 11, 2024
A significant minority of people in our competitive society are selfish and stealthy manipulators.
Traditional psychological therapy focuses on the neurotic, the person who suffers from a surplus of self-deprecation. Manipulators torment others with an excess of hidden aggression and the desire for control. They are often overlooked and only in recent years have the problems faced by their victims been more adequately addressed. I think the reason for the neglect of this issue is that manipulators just aren’t good customers. After all, they usually don’t seek psychological help because they think they don’t need it. The manipulator has little interest in the error in his or her ways.
In his writings and interviews, psychologist George Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, has tried to help victims of manipulation identify and understand the tactics of people who are covertly aggressive. These are people who are “at heart fighters.” Although Simon doesn’t mention it, I believe the rise of competitive careerism and sports competition among women, both of which cultivate aggression, has led to a true epidemic of female manipulators. That’s not to say men don’t use the art of tormenting others with smiles and stealth too or that female manipulators haven’t been around for thousands of years.
Many manipulators have charm and likability; they often are socially popular. They use these skills to bring others under their control. Some have an insatiable drive to dominate. They have no problem complimenting with smiles one minute and stabbing in the back the next. They have no problem praising you and then destroying your career. They have no problem using an arsenal of covert and artful tactics to get what they want or to punish those who displease them. Their consciences, at least when it comes to subtle deception and bullying, are weak. As long as their crimes are undetected, they are untroubled by them.
It can be fatal not to understand this personality type. For the innately compliant and submissive, a relationship with a manipulative person can lead to exhaustion, defeat, intense self-doubt and depression. Victims describe the effect as similar to slow poisoning by a noxious gas. They are suffocated by an invisible toxin. Arm yourself with knowledge of this poison. Otherwise, this type may unexpectedly take you off guard in the workplace, friendship, romance and family relationships. Simon writes on his blog:
There’s hidden power in manipulation tactics. That’s just one reason why the tactics are so effective. The tactics are inherently powerful persuasion tools, which is why manipulators use them. But the persuasive power behind them eludes easy detection.
Because the power behind manipulation tactics isn’t easy to see, it’s important to understand personality, character, and the ways some folks operate in this world. Once you know certain people are, and how they generally operate, it’s easier to discern what they’re probably up to when they engage in their tactics with you.
The stealthy power of manipulators often comes from their insight into the character of their victims:
Manipulators gain advantage over you by knowing what makes you tick. So, they know just what tactics to use to play on your sympathies or create doubt in you. But you gain power back when you know who they are and what they’re up to. You gain even more power by knowing what to say and do in response to their tactics. Actually, the less you say, the better. Too many folks erroneously believe what traditional psychology told them: mainly that manipulators don’t really know what they’re doing. That’s why victims often waste time and breath trying to get their abusive partners to “see” what they already see.
The key to empowerment in manipulative situations is in the doing, not the saying. Dismissing the tactics as just that: stealthy attempts to get you to cave-in or knuckle-under, and then standing firmly on principles of respectful conduct is where the power is.
The word “gaslighting” has become part of the popular lexicon. That’s because more people are the actual victims of gaslighting in their private lives and, of course, by manipulators in government and popular culture. Simon writes:
In recent years, gaslighting has come to be regarded as a specific tactic. It’s understood that disturbed characters try to make you doubt yourself as a way of having their way with you. But not as much attention has been given to the specific tactics they use to make you question your judgment. And that’s unfortunate because it’s precisely the relationship between the manipulation tactics that narcissists and other disturbed characters employ and the gaslighting effect they induce that you need to understand to maximally empower yourself.
Victims of chronic gaslighting don’t just question their perceptions and judgment. They start to question their very sanity. They become so full of doubt that they can even stop growing. Folks equally skilled in the arts of positive impression management and the tactics of manipulation can invite a person to doubt quite intensely. But that’s why I’ve written all of my books and have published so many articles. Once a one-time victim comes to realize who their manipulator really is, what they’re really up to, and why they really do the hurtful things they do, the path to renewed personal growth and greater empowerment becomes clearer.
In the video below, Simon says more about manipulation tactics. He also writes:
So, the most important thing to to remember is that no matter what tactics they might use, be it evasion (dodging the issues you want to bring to their attention), diversion (shifting the focus off their behavior and onto someone or something else) or externalizing (blaming someone or something else), you must always keep the focus on them and their irresponsible behavior. Character-impaired individuals do their best to shift responsibility elsewhere. Your job is to keep the ball of responsibility solidly in their court. This is one of the prime “tools of personal empowerment”: keeping the weight of responsibility where it belongs: on the person exhibiting the inappropriate behavior. So when you feel yourself going on the defensive, recognize it’s because the tactics covert fighters use are meant to make you doubt, hesitate, second-guess, and back-peddle. In your heart, you know it’s them, but manipulators do their best to make you think it’s you. And succumbing to their tactics is how manipulators gains control. It’s up to you to recognize their tactics and to keep the focus on the person displaying them. That’s a major key to empowering yourself. [bold added]
Remember this important insight because surely you will need it.
— Comments —
Sally writes:
I have not read the book you cited, but I think the term used to describe “narcissists,” as such, also covers the term “manipulative people.”
I unfortunately have years of experience with that issue in my own family, particularly with my sister. As the victim of what would best be described as narcissistic abuse, the cost to me in terms of time, energy, heartbreak, money loss, and damaged relationships has been life-altering. I have some hard-won valuable insights into “diabolical narcissism.”
It is my belief that these individuals are best portrayed in the book People of the Lie, by M. Scott Peck. The age-old premise dating back to Jesus’ time, is that evil still exists, and these people’s MO is a direct manifestation of evil. Jesus called out the Pharisees, the original manipulative people, diabolical narcissists.
There are many articles and Youtube videos on how to deal with narcissists, who are the master manipulators, and who are, by most people’s account, evil. They tend to target for manipulation those who are kind, good, empathetic – in other words, their opposites. The four prevailing emotions of narcissists, being devoid of charity, are: anger, hatred, jealousy and fear.
Know this: if you have Christian charity in your heart, you will be an apt target for this kind of person. There are ample descriptions in Scripture relating to this phenomena, starting with Jesus’ quote: “Know if they hate you, they hated me first.” Also “Satan wanders the earth like a lion, looking for who he can devour.” References to limiting contact or going no-contact with evil people exist in exhortations to “shake the dust off your feet and walk away.” And or course there is the Ephesians 6 “armour of God” that we need to wear daily, particularly in dealing with evil, manipulative, narcissistic people. In a nutshell, people of good will have to be “wise as serpents, but gentle as doves.”
I hope these thoughts help someone. I do also believe that, here in the end times, we are seeing manifestations of evil more and more in our world, and it is compelling for all people of good will to prepare and protect themselves accordingly.
Laura writes:
Excellent. Thank you for writing!
Know this: if you have Christian charity in your heart, you will be an apt target for this kind of person.
Truer words were never spoken. The manipulator feels free to target someone who operates under stringent ethical commands against defamation and revenge. In their own minds, they have nothing to lose. They can backstab, exaggerate and lie, fully knowing that their victim will not backstab, exaggerate and lie.
The manipulator wants to win.
These people are perfect for corporate “human resources” departments. That’s because they treat people like human resources. They make great corporate managers too. They are taught strategies for manipulating others using positive language and other skillful techniques. So much of corporate, bureaucratic language is covert aggression and rhetorical bullying. They don’t lose much sleep over booting some middle-aged guy from a career.
Kathy writes:
Excellent posts! I also have not read this book, but another good one is The Sociopath Next Door. It was the behavior of supposedly Christian co-workers who led me to the realization of Original Sin, which I believe explains this. I worked with primarily women in healthcare. The backstabbing, the drive for control over others, the cliquishness, turf protection at the expense of all else, enviousness, nosiness, the willingness to dump on co-workers to get an “easy assignment” were everywhere. Women are naturally manipulative and indirect. This works in a family setting, as long as within bounds. These qualities are disastrous in the corporate or government world.
LOL. I had one co-worker who was very sweet to me, even had a baby shower for me, and although she was younger, I considered her a friend. One day I walked in on her absolutely trashing me to our department head, and from what she was saying, it wasn’t the first time. I was astounded. Suddenly, it dawned on me why this dept. head was always cold toward me. Hilariously, the thing my “friend” was upset about, my strategy for staffing, ended up becoming policy. I received no apologies. In fact, I was blamed for walking in on the behavior by the department head, who had instructed us to settle disputes among ourselves, rather than come to her.
Narcissism is thought to be the result of poor parental (usually maternal) bonding during the stage of personality development in the child, around two years of age. So we see why the push for early “pre-school”, and mothers returning to work six weeks after delivery. The demonic forces want more dysfunction, more narcissists, more evil. The conversion of people away from Christianity and to moral relativism, makes this narcissistic behavior acceptable, especially in the corporate bureaucracy: “Let the games begin!”, when some poor soul has no idea a game is in play. I could tell you horror stories about the dirty deeds of “HR”. I am glad people are becoming aware of these behaviors so they are not sitting ducks for it. My advice to young people is work for a small company with ethical owners, or self employ.
