{"id":20247,"date":"2011-02-11T15:07:02","date_gmt":"2011-02-11T20:07:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp\/?p=20247"},"modified":"2011-02-11T17:12:00","modified_gmt":"2011-02-11T22:12:00","slug":"an-ethical-dilemma","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/2011\/02\/an-ethical-dilemma\/","title":{"rendered":"An Ethical Dilemma"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

M. <\/strong>writes:<\/p>\n

I wanted to pick your brain, and those of your readers, on a subject that is of some concern to me. How does one deal with the birth of a child whose illegitimacy is \u2026 planned?\u00a0<\/p>\n

My wife\u2019s brother and his girlfriend live in a European country, and have let us know they are planning to have a child. When they came to stay with us last spring, I did what was both difficult and distasteful, and told them that we\u2019d prepared separate rooms for them to stay in. Maybe some of your readers won\u2019t agree that this was the right thing to do, but we did it according to Christian conscience. They didn\u2019t especially like it (which is understandable), but they put up with it. It was just for a short time, and they had planned a few side-trips anyway, so it was only a minor inconvenience. (I\u2019d say it was more uncomfortable for me than them, because I\u2019m basically a live-and-let-live type, but this was an \u201cunder my roof\u201d situation, I have kids to think of, etc., etc.).\u00a0<\/p>\n

When the topic of children came up, I spoke with the girlfriend in a kind of nudge-nudge way, telling her great, but why not have the wedding first? She replied \u2013 sweetly but firmly \u2013 that marriage may be a priority for my wife and me, but not for them. I gently pushed, asking in essence, \u201cWhat\u2019s the obstacle? You\u2019re obviously committed to each other. Why not just put it all on paper?\u201d Well, she said, weddings cost a lot of money, they\u2019d want to do it right, have all their friends and family, etc. I reminded her that we had only had 50 people at our wedding, and it really needn\u2019t be an elaborate affair. You could even do it at City Hall, and maybe, if you wanted, have a formal ceremony later, when funds permitted.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Well \u2026 as you\u2019d imagine, the subject got changed.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So, here\u2019s my question. Let\u2019s say the child comes along. Do we say congratulations? My wife says she couldn\u2019t say it in good conscience. But when I suggested that we say something like, \u201cI\u2019m sure this must be a very happy occasion for you,\u201d she thought that was a little too obviously sarcastic. (Ya think?)\u00a0<\/p>\n

I know this may sound trivial to some, but I\u2019d be curious as to how you and your readers would respond, or better yet, if anyone has had any experience in this area.<\/p>\n

Laura writes:<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s your responsibility to let people who are close to you and who don’t know what’s right know what is right<\/em>. However, it is not your responsibility to change them or to\u00a0make every action you take in relation to them an effort to change them. You have let your\u00a0brother-in-law’s girlfriend\u00a0know what’s right. You should let\u00a0her know again. They\u00a0probably consider\u00a0marriage an artifical\u00a0formality, even a symbol\u00a0of insincere\u00a0intentions. <\/em>To love and love alone, is probably\u00a0their view.\u00a0(The idea that they are not getting married because of the cost of a wedding is preposterous.)<\/p>\n

Let them know again. Tell them what is right and that it bothers you\u00a0a lot that they are not doing what is right<\/em>.\u00a0Drop it for awhile and then bring it up again, and again,\u00a0without risking a rupture.\u00a0Please wish them well when their child is born. After all, you do wish them well. You want them to marry and to raise their child\u00a0together. Their baby will be your neice or nephew.\u00a0You should sincerely welcome this child though your reaction to them would understandably be\u00a0muted.<\/p>\n

They have to\u00a0want to change and you should allow them the opportunity to perceive their own mistakes. Assume the best of them, that they sincerely do not understand what is terribly wrong here. Life is so alienating and lonely in the modern world and they may have no one else other than you and your wife who takes their situation seriously and who genuinely cares that they are doing something wrong. They may need you.<\/p>\n

The fact that they are not marrying is a sign of weakness in their love for each other and for their family, no matter how much it may be the fashionable thing to do. That weakness will catch up with them and when it does, they will have you and your wife as an example. Live your own life in confidence that others are watching you and that your example counts. Don’t destroy your relationship with them by doing anything more than creating some civil distance because of serious differences. If your children are young, you don’t need to discuss it with them or worry they will be affected.\u00a0You will be teaching them what is right.<\/p>\n

I am only responding on the basis of what you’ve said.\u00a0There may be aspects to your relationship with them that make things more complicated than this.<\/p>\n

Laura adds:<\/strong><\/p>\n

On a lighter note, there are still people in the world who are enthusiastic about marriage. A\u00a0friend told me that he was watching Dr.\u00a0 Phil<\/em> at the gym yesterday and there was a woman on the show who had arranged her entire wedding. She has the date. She has\u00a0the place. She has the caterer. She has\u00a0the photographer. She has the musicians.<\/p>\n

However, she has not yet found someone to marry.<\/p>\n

M. responds:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thank you for your response. I agree with everything in it, though in the most immediate sense, I still don’t know how to get the words “We wish you the very best” (which we do) without some preliminary remark … like “Congratulations!” or “That’s wonderful!” “Best wishes” works well on a card, but in a phone call … maybe not so much.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Maybe I’m overthinking this, but I thought I’d ask.<\/p>\n

Laura writes:<\/strong><\/p>\n

How about this. “You are parents now!\u00a0I can’t believe it. A mother and a father.\u00a0That’s amazing.”<\/p>\n

M. writes:<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Well, well. How about that!”<\/p>\n

Laura writes:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Exactly.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 M. writes: I wanted to pick your brain, and those of your readers, on a subject that is of some concern to me. How does one deal with the birth of a child whose illegitimacy is \u2026 planned?\u00a0 My wife\u2019s brother and his girlfriend live in a European country, and have let us know […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20247","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20247","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20247"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20247\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20255,"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20247\/revisions\/20255"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20247"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20247"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thinkinghousewife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20247"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}